Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

Dear T,

I can't believe you are making me do this all over again.

I want to email you but I guess there’s no point to it? You said I could email you when I hear back about my surgery but I haven’t gotten the call yet. So basically I just want to email you because of how anxious I am. And I feel like that’s crossing boundaries I don’t want to get caught up in again.

But I’m anxious and I’m trying to give myself the support I need. Which basically means taking meds and using distraction.

Just finished typing everything up for today and it's printing now. If you don't include the picture of the Mood Elevator I included, it's only 4 pages this time so, not so bad. I decided not to print one of the dreams because it was long and a direct result of the thinking/writing I did that particular day.

Dear T,
A little sad we need to do virtual Sunday, but I know that's about your schedule, not Covid. I hope you are in fact willing to continue in person for the rest of next week. And maybe the week after? I do kind of wish you' be willing to do in person with masks rather than having to go back to Zoom if you don't feel it's safe. But that's your preference, so I guess it's not like I have a choice. I mean, OK, my being really weepy today would have been an issue with a mask, but I'd have controlled it more if masked. I wanted to ask, if you do switch to virtual, if you'd still be willing to do occasional outside sessions, once it's cooler out (but of course not like in January--or maybe we could bundle up? I guess they wouldn't have the tables outside then though). Maybe I'll ask that Sunday. It would just help to know that. I don't want to think that maybe I'd potentially have to go another year without seeing you in person, if this becomes more like last year.
And thanks for being empathetic today.
Love,
LT

Dear T,
I think you would find this a positive thing? Rewatching Frida, to watch someone manage to create art and have hope amidst her physical (and presumably mental) struggles. Maybe this is the sort of thing I'm needing to inspire me (perhaps I'll get some biographies on Kindle, too). I'm thinking how one way to feel life is less hopeless right now is to try to create something with meaning. I mean, not that I'm going to have a biopic made about me. But whether it's a memoir, some poems, artwork of some kind--I signed up for an online course in Japanese Sumi-e brush painting, too, as it feels like something I could be drawn into (and it's just one color of paint). I suppose now I need to actually do the paintings.

But I think this all is a sign I still have hope and am still trying. Sitting outside for a while today outside at the one taproom helped, too--I took to heart your saying to keep doing the things I still am able (and feel safe to) to. And I think I even befriended a new bartender. And then later I sat outside the house with D for a while.

I thought briefly about canceling Sunday after learning it would be virtual due to your schedule (part of my accepting it was trying to get in as many in person sessions--within reason--as possible until risks make you pull the plug), but I'm going to keep it, because I need to try to keep on a less negative mental trajectory.

Love,
LT

That response really didn't help T.....it REALLY didn't.

Grief is all-encompassing anyway. (I find that a preferable way to express it, better than 'consuming'.) Today, I am really in it, even though there's nothing to be in.

There are so many questions, and yet I am certain I could not handle the answers.

Dear T,

Thinking of you a lot right now, but also starting to feel like maybe I am coming out the other side of the hell of the last two weeks.

Pondering what the point of friends is, when I can't take them into the darkness with me, and wondering maybe whether it is to give us something to come out the other side for? Not sure really because when it feels like this I could throw all of my friends away and be quite glad of the solitude, but I also know that there are times now where I do enjoy the company and the feeling of friendship.

Your email was cryptic. Maybe it was cryptic because you just don't know what the future holds. Because you are thinking about what I have asked. Because you are trying to decide what to do with regards to our work. Maybe you haven't fully made your made up.... or am I in denial still.

In one sentence you say thank you to me for finding my way while it allows you to rest and tend to personal issues, and in another line you say you wish me all the best as I take steps on this new path.

To say I am confused about where we are and where we are going is an understatement. Clueless is probably a better word. Are you clueless too? I am going to keep trying to find someone to work with, because maybe you will never come back, but also because if I try as hard as I am trying, and it doesn't work out, maybe I can use that to help convince you to keep going with this.

I hope you are ok.

Love me x

I just received a newsletter from a theatre organisation I heard about through work.
I was unprepared for some of the content.

In one of the event listings:

Today is rough and I feel like a small child who can only be soothed by you. I got better at “holding” you in my mind between sessions since I started seeing you, but today I can’t seem to access that and it hurts. I wish I could be part of your family, so that I could see you more than one hour a week. It feels cruel sometimes, how little I get to see you when I need you and love you so much.

Transference T hasn’t been running through my mind much lately. Although my favorite tea reminds me of her and I drink it when I want to remember her. But it’s more of a subliminal thing that I do without really thinking of it. Because I really do like the tea. I also got 5 mint Aero candy bars today because they remind me of her. So I’m not sure if I want to forget her or if I want to remember her but just in subliminal ways.

Current T I’m glad I don’t feel the need to email you anymore and that I worked through my anxiety on my own yesterday. But I wish we could continue working together. Hopefully the therapist you recommended and are switching me to will be helpful.

Hey L. I'm going to do things a little differently this week, and not bring so much in with me next time. My goal, actually, is to not even bring my notebook or any printouts or anything else - just myself. And we can just talk, I'll do a sand tray, whatever. I think maybe we need a little time to adjust to the recent shift in our relationship that we've both noticed, don't you? Without pushing ourselves as much as we did yesterday. I'm sorry for doing that to you again. I was just so excited (again) about all of my processing since the previous week - I didn't pay as much attention as I should have to how low your energy was. I'm recalling it now and I feel badly about not paying more attention to it than I did. When I asked you how you were and when you said that you'd actually gotten a full night's sleep, I didn't pursue it and now I wish I would have. I hope you are okay. I promise to take it easy on you next week. Get some rest and take care of you, okay?

Love,

me

Dear T,
Tonight (while on a date night, no less), I started to have this feeling that you care about my well-being more than H does. Based on his reaction to a few things I said. Like, trying to open up to him. But then I felt shut down. Maybe he's just bad at expressing it? Glad I kept tomorrow's session, though will be awkward having it at 9 am virtually, as would be a difficult time for H to get D out somewhere, and she might be upset about it because it's an odd time.
Love,
LT

I want to be able to wear my new flannel hoodies and my new boots and my new bootcut jeans to our fall sessions.

Please say you do in person sessions. I literally have my fall wardrobe planned out mainly for therapy since I don’t plan on going anywhere else.

Maybe we can do something fun on Friday. Like, that thing you said the other day. I mean, it would be fun of course, but I think it could also very much bring out some stuff to talk about. So, both enjoyable and useful therapeutically (or whatever you call what we are about these days).

Anniversaries are powerful, Lemoncake.

Dear Info,

I wish someone would rush to take care of me. (Not you.) But sometimes I want to be the squeaky wheel or the damsel in distress, you know?

ATAT

(Please do not respond.)

Dear Dr. S,

I will not email you tonight.

I do not like these changes - they are scary. I wish I could see you earlier tomorrow than our scheduled time. I wish I had more. I'm tired.

Love,
me

With what happened when I went to visit my mom, with my son with me. I know we talked already, Partly I want to be held by you. To sob in your arms. i partly dont want that. I just want you to sit next to me. Maybe with your hand on my back or shoulder. And no. just want to sit across from you and feel the presense in the room, feel that your near. This telehealth therapy encourages my need to disconnect. I hate having urges to be close to you. I cant talk about that anymore with you, not ever. I had asked you a question about attachment, and decided that I dont want to talk bout it. Not sure if its because of what happened with my mom, but strangely, I dont feel like talking about anything.

I thought when we first met you seemed unsure if you’d be the right fit for me. Just by the way you were talking. You seemed wary about taking me on as a client. So I guess I read the situation correctly. The way you just randomly had the name of another therapist when we talked more deeply at the second session was a pretty slick move.

Well, L, I wouldn't be me if it didn't.

And, so very much has just been clicking for me in the past month, it's almost hard to keep up with. I'm gonna be chill Friday though, and not talk your ears off, I promise. Thinking about what we can do that's fun but also therapeutic. I liked that one thing you said. Maybe that.

Dear T,

Saw another lady this afternoon. She seems ok. She seems like maybe someone I could work with. Maybe. I still want you back though.

Dear T,

Would you write me a letter, I wonder. From you. From the heart. If we are ending. Would you write me a letter?