Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

Dear T,
I feel good intellectually about today's session. Don't know if my emotions have caught up yet, though. We'll see what happens when they do. Still, my goal is not to email you this weekend, even though you said it's still OK to do so.
Love, (I'll save that word for here instead of when actually talking to you)

LT

Hey L.

Sigh.

Love,

me

My last therapy session with my old T was 45 days ago. Yesterday and today were really rough. I know it won’t get 100% better until I move. But it hurts today.

New T I wish I could email you.

Dear T,
If ex-MC was my favorite meal...was it laced with poison, as my friend said? Also, perhaps that makes you the healthy meal that's not as good in the moment, but better for me in the long run? But I still want some of the unhealthy stuff now and then...
Love,
LT

T. I don't know if I can see you again. No decision has been made yet. because... to not see you again means that "this is it". This is what my life will be. I don't know if I can accept that or not.

But. I can't move forward. I can't do this bit. This is the block. And I don't know how to live with that. Its... unacceptable.

I don't know which unacceptable choice to make.

And... here's the kicker. At the heart of it all I know I don't deserve more. Or anything, really. I know I am unacceptable. I certainly do not deserve your time or kindness.

I will never tell you this of course. So, I will likely just not return. It seems to be the best for all concerned.

But, I really do appreciate all the time and effort you have given me. I am sorry I wasn't strong enough to use it.

Hi R,

Your use of 'used to' in the context of talking about previous sessions bothered me.
For what it's worth, I need to believe that we will regain the proximity and connection we once had.

Thanks,

Lost

T, i know there's nothing you can do about the new person in the next office slamming the door just as I'm settling in, but this is the second week in a row I've had a trauma/sensory meltdown in my session because of it.

As you know, so many ordinary everyday things are triggers for me because so much of my abuse took place in the context of ordinary everyday life. Add in the sensory issues (the world feels too loud/bright/textured/heavy) and a slammed door throws me off-kilter. And not only for our session but still now, two days later. I've spent all day in my pyjamas (soft) with the same song on rotate (soothe) trying to restore some kind of equilibrium.

I wish you were here to hold my hand. It sucks that after a wrecked session like that, I have to wait a week to come back. But also, your office is starting to feel even more unsafe than it usually does. There were already so many sensory and trauma triggers to contend with. Just being out in the world is painful and challenging enough. I don't want to be losing my 90mins/week safe(ish) place too.

I’m doing ok today without you.

Dear T,
Emotions still seem OK regarding yesterday's session. I imagine if we'd had this conversation a year or two ago, I wouldn't be OK right now. Growth? Progress? Greater trust in you?
Love,
LT

Hey L. Gosh darn it all anyway.

Me

My husband has another doctors appointment this week. It is 3 hours before you and I have our appointment. Once again it is an hour from home. I pray that things go as planned so we will not need another phone appointment. I am not sure I can handle that 2 weeks in a row.

Since your fully vaxxed and I will be after Tuesday, why can't we meet in person now?

I am so angry at you. I have never felt this much anger towards you. I do feel emotionally abandoned. Things have changed. You used to reach out to me! Now you say "I don't know what you want"... This is not a game, L! I really am ready to say **** it all.

10th week without you now.

Other T only had one more session on a tueday free for this week. I was waiting to see how I felt today to see if I wanted it and it's vanished! Maybe it's for the best.

I still want you.
I still want you.
I still want you.

Even though I will be OK, I feel like I wasted our session last week. Being fully present is something that I am aiming for, and that includes being fully present in session. I don't know how far it's possible to be fully present when in emotional pain, but it seems as though I am getting a crash course.


Ultimately I will assemble some of these thoughts into an 'email' I am unlikely to send, which will therefore become a crib sheet for the 22nd. Do I mention the thing that bothered me about last session? I think my previous experience makes it risky to talk about things that bother me within our relationship.

Ugh, I'm still getting used to the new antidepressant. I'm really checked out and spacey. I feel like I wasn't fully there for our session.

Hey L. Damn it, I want to call you and just clarify if you were joking or not with that question. But I can't do it. Because if you really think that, then you would consider a phone call between sessions more of the same, wouldn't you? I need to find that little wooden box I painted and "put" my concern about it in the box, leave it in there until Friday and bring it with me to talk about then.

I am now convinced that you are going to dump me on Friday. Well, that would probably be a good thing anyway. Just be gentle when you do it. Okay? And don't try to stop me from leaving immediately after.

Hi T. I wish it was Friday. I just re-listened to the song you sent me. It is so thoughtful and perfect. <3

disconnecting from you is getting tolerable at times, and then your appt reminder text comes in, and I lose it. No matter how many times I repeat your moving but its not changing virtual therapy sessions it doesnt seem to matter i cant help to feel like a child. A very hurt, sad, depressed, and disappointed child. Then my anger part takes over, SH, and its all over. there is not issue here. and yet I think and want to be okay and that i can feel everything and my automatic freeze and shutdown nervous system takes over and i have no control on how i am in sessions or when I think about how therapy will be soon. Your house is CONTIGENT already 21 days listed and its almost sold nice not sure how to explain things to you. its like part of me is so protective and even trying to talk to that part there is not budging allowed. and she feels for good reason obviously see

T,

Triggers galore. I thought I had skillfully managed that therapy homework item by seeking help from people who would understand why I needed verses paraphrased, and validate the religious abuse.

Then there were other triggers from other places, catching me unexpectedly. Someone's fear of their sibling perpetrator ignited mine.

Then a disagreement between 2 friends I value, both with their own religious trauma. Back to being triggered horribly. Calmed down, had a discussion. Thought I was OK. Boom, pain and more pain. Talked to partner, calmed down. Then overwhelming anguish at a glimpse of how my parents betrayed what should have been a good faith, crushed my spirit, creating this split of inside me.

Then a friend sharing vulnerable fears which I relate to so very much. More than words can say. I don't feel you'd genuinely understand on a visceral level because I don't think you've lived it. You'd understand as a therapist working with complex trauma stemming from childhood and attachment injury, but you probably never felt that all consuming terror of loss, of being utterly betrayed by parents that you had to dissociate or go insane.

Hey. I know that when I asked recently if you think I am too dependent on you, you said "No" but I don't think I believed you and I guess I still don't. If I wasn't afraid you were serious about that question I would probably even call to say I don't want to come this week. I honestly want to run far, far away from you/therapy right now.

Dear New T (Dr K) Please don't look at my paperwork and make quick judgements about me. Please don't think there's going to be a quick fix either. I saw on your practice's website something about brief therapy. I need someone there when I'm in crisis and I need to work on substantial things when I am not in crisis. Please be a good T for me. Thanks, Kit

Dear T: I feel really effed up after writing down all my medications and my diagnoses for the new psychologist. I can't tell you this in person because I haven't told you I am interviewing psychologists. I know you wouldn't care but I still sort of wish I could tell you about it. Kit

I feel yuck and ick. Part of it is allergies and partly that I've been lying in bed all day and not exercising.