Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

Yo L. So that last question you asked me as I was leaving, after my comment? I've been a little worried about whether you were serious or not - at face value, I wasn't worried about it, but playing it over in my head.... anyway I have decided to practice not worrying with this situation, as a test. I know that I didn't do anything wrong, so I am just going to let you deal with your response (if indeed you weren't joking) and just leave it completely alone. If you honestly have a problem with it, then you'll tell me.

'Happy Easter' is hard for me...I hope you and your family have had a good day.

been writing emails in poetry form lately, not sure if you can understand what they mean, and sometimes I am not even sure but feel a desire to write and its how it comes out. You only once have ever remarked about the poems, so not really expecting anything different. I cant seem to stop it so its what is happening now. ony difference is the one seinding today is while I am a little tipsy,, Strange feeling more to come like that, but you will not know it. part of me wants to drink during sessions too lol might try it. see if you can tell. hell maybe virtural appts wont be so bad I can get drunk during them. Yep

I really like that bread you told me about. I’ve been eating it almost everyday. I don’t know what happened yesterday but today I only thought about you and it was not constant. Old T was pretty nonexistent in my mind today. I mainly thought about my move and getting things packed.

I really can't figure me out, you know. 2 days ago I was completely content to skip this coming Friday because of the scheduling issue. Now that I remembered I have a previously-scheduled vacation day on Thursday, I want to call you tomorrow to see if you're available that day. But then I don't want to either. Because I really need to figure out what in the sam freaking hell I even want out of therapy anymore. Argh! What do I do? What do I want? What is right? Does "right" even exist in this case?

H always tells me that the right decision is the one you make. Why can't I believe that?

Hi T. I am so offing sad right now. And overwhelmed. It sucks you are on vacation this week. You deserve it since you haven't had any time off in a long time, but it just is crap timing.

Hey T, it's been a week... can you please reply to my 2 highly vulnerable emails?

I think I (almost) got over my erotic transference. That's good, right?
The bad thing is that I probably got a crush on someone I have no chances with

Dear Former T:

Hi. How are you? I hope you had a nice Easter weekend and I hope you are doing well. As always, you are in my thoughts.


I received your response a couple of days ago. I wanted to think before I responded, so that I wasn't responding from an overly emotional place that was hurting and potentially lashing out or as my history goes, lashing in. I had an appointment with T on Saturday, so we were able to discuss your email and your decision; the discussion was moderately helpful. But not all the way helpful. I know discussing it with you will be helpful as well. Potentially more helpful than discussing it with T who I think didn't grasp the entirety of the situation.


I hope you realize that it took enormous courage to ask you if I could come back to seeing you. I knew it would mean saying goodbye to T for a time and I was willing to do that. I knew there was a big possibility that you would say no, but I knew without asking, I would never know. In this case, ask and you shall receive didn't work out, but I know it is not a decision that you took lightly and you probably put a lot of thought into it. I don't think you intentionally meant to hurt me in your message because your message was extremely cordial and polite and you very politely said no.


I can't say that I am not disappointed because I am. I can't say that I am not hurt because I am. My heart has been broken, again.


You, who I have trusted above all others, has told me that you don't want to work with me. That you don't want to see me. At least, that is how I hear it. I have an internal locus of control so I am blaming myself. I was "too much" as a client and took up "too much" of your resources and you don't want to deal with me. That is hard to deal with because I love you so much. I know you said I have your care but I don't really. And that makes me very sad.


T did what I think is EMDR as we were discussing your email, which I hope you don't mind, that I read it to her. I don't like EMDR. I don't get it. I think it's silly. I hate following her fingers with my eyes. But anyway, here's what came up. First layer, abandonment. Second layer, sadness. Third layer, confusion. Fourth layer, loss of trust. Fifth layer, anger. Sixth layer, resignation.


T didn't agree with your decision. I think she couldn't imagine not letting a client come back who wanted to. That's her way of doing therapy. It doesn't mean it is yours. She said as always I am free to go to whomever I choose even if I choose a different therapist each week. I am free to leave her and come back and that she will never leave me. She may die of course, but she will never abandon me. I don't think she should say such things. No one knows the future. She could be hit by a car and paralyzed and unable to work and have to suddenly stop seeing clients. It's best not to overpromise. I take it as, she would never intentionally abandon me or intentionally leave me. But I know better than to believe her promise because I never would have thought you would have gotten MS and we would have to stop seeing one another.


When you said, "Now that you have worked as hard as you have to get to a place of sobriety, there are so many doors open to you with T to explore growing in maturity and handling life without your previous addiction." T said, "I wish she would tell me what they are!" I don't think she entirely knows what to do with me. After we discussed your email and my feelings to a small extent we talked mostly small talk for the rest of the time. There wasn't any deep diving into the emotions or any discussions about how I kept myself from self harming over the rejection.


But I did. I did resist self harm. Self harm would have been simpler. It would have dealt with the emotions in one swift blow instead of me dealing with them over and over and over again in various forms. In a way, it could have been justified by me and to me, as the rejection of someone who means so much to me, who I love so much, well of course self harm would have been the desired method to deal with the rejection. But I didn't take that path. I did a lot of praying. I had a lot of feelings, which sucks, by the way. I asked my friends to pray for me and only later explained to them what was going on, and I talked to T. This is how I handled it. This is the evidence of the growth I have experienced. Besides I know that if I self harm, it is going to need stitches and that means the possibility of a hospital stay and I don't want that. I no longer self harm safely. I cannot trust myself to harm myself. It is no longer helpful. It is harmful to me. These truths I cannot deny.


I don't know if you will understand the magnitude of the sadness that I am experiencing. I had thought from our last discussion on the phone, a few years ago, that there was a chance that we would work together again. Of course, things change. People change. Circumstances change. I was hopeful that we could work together again but I was unsure of how that would work because of the intense hurt I had over losing you the first time. I wanted to spare myself that hurt if possible. Which I have done with T. If I never saw T again, I don't think I would hurt. I might miss her a little but it wouldn't hurt. I think I have held back on my relationships to avoid that sort of hurt again and I know that isn't healthy but I want to protect myself from that intense sort of pain. Peculiar wanting to protect myself from pain when I spent a lifetime of causing myself pain.

I don't necessarily think your decision is wrong, though I wish your decision was different. I think your reasoning might be wrong. That we were in no way finished before, so how could our time be complete? I wish I could understand better what you meant and understand your reasons for not wanting to work with me. Left to myself I devise all sorts of conclusions that may or may not be factual. Of course I blame myself. There is no one else to blame. If I had been a better client, an easier client, you might have taken me back. If I would have just been good enough.....


Still, I love what you did for me, all those years ago. That you held the stuff I couldn't deal with. That you allowed me to act out my pain. Now I guess I am at a point where my pain has all been acted out. Now it must just be lived through.


I can't quite come to grips with your decision. I keep thinking, it must be a mistake, it must not be true. It must be impossible that I will go the rest of my life without seeing you again. There's tears in my eyes that don't fall and there's a lump in my throat that I cannot swallow.


While I don't like your decision, I do accept your decision. I accept it in all it's finality as was stated in your correspondence. I don't expect you to change your mind. I hope you will better understand where I was coming from and I hope you will continue to dialog this with me for a little while so I can work through the ramifications of your decision. I hope you won't leave me stranded but will help me understand your reasonings, or at least hear and acknowledge my pain. If you choose not to, that is of course, your choice. I will be in pain for some time and I accept that as well. Pain and me have a long history. It's written on my arms. It's just no longer played out on my arms. I do hope you will write to me and help me with your decision. Your choice, of course. I will continue to love you, no matter what, and despite the pain. I'm not sure even you can fathom the depth of the pain that I am in. You who know me so well. You still may not be able to fathom it. It goes beyond all human reasoning. My heart hurts. Funny. I think I told you that in our very first session together. And you said, "Oh, you're sad." No, dear one. My heart hurts. I have to manage the pain so that it does not consume me. But like T said, I will survive it. Of course. What choice do I have?


Please write to me. Let not my pain be unacknowledged.


Take care, dear one, take good care.

Yours unendingly,

Kit

I'm in a state of overload. April is a season of suck.

I wish I could email you right now. But I see you tomorrow afternoon. I just need to hang on for a bit.

My gratitude is immense. I love you as much as I love any friend I've ever had.

Big feels tonight L, huge. I'm feeling so very lonely. Not doing a very good job of not worrying about what you said Friday. Still knowing that I didn't do anything wrong, but if you were serious with what you asked - then it puts into question just EVERYTHING. Like, if you were serious, then YOU DON'T KNOW ME AT ALL. Because I would never do that. I mean what the actual ****? You had to have been kidding. Had to.

I guess I'll wait til the 16th to find out. Unless you cancel on me and tell me I can't come back before then. Maybe that's what you should do. Maybe part of me wants that?! Goddess I'm broken.

Firstly, as I said in my email I’m really impressed by the fact you went to a recording studio and made your own album! I’m probably going to sound vain or like I’m making an assumption now - and I really don’t like doing that - but I do wonder whether the first track was at least partially inspired by our last session before your Easter break. It really spoke to me, even sounded like you’d used some of my vernacular lol. It punched me in the gut emotionally, but I can’t identify exactly how I feel. I broke down a little, though, I can’t deny that.

Current T: I don't know if I should come to see you, if you have any openings, this Saturday or not. I mean, can you even help me with this problem with former T? Someone please take the pain away. I can't handle it anymore. It's only been 5 days of pain. It feels like a lifetime. Kit

Hi R,

I would really appreciate it if you could acknowledge my email before we speak on Thursday. You know what Thursday represents to me, and now this...

'All I can taste at the moment is fear', as a Great British Bake Off contestant observed.

Best wishes,

Lost

Thank you for your message. I feel like I've been at saturation point for far too long.
Everything aches...I'm not sure what I'm bracing for any more, the stuff that has already happened, or what is to come...

idk if you were joking or not when you said that at the end of our call

Dear T,
OK, I think we'll need to talk tomorrow about that one comment you made. I just worry it's dangerous territory to wade into, because unless you're totally clueless (possible!), you'll know why it's bothering me. Though it's also partly from something I'd shared before (though maybe you blocked that out?)
--LT

I'm feeling so lonely, L. Even with h and 3 cats around me pretty much 24 x 7. I think the entire past year is finally catching up with me or something. I wish I could call you but I just can't because of not being sure if you were joking or not on Friday. I need to just leave it and you alone. I need a vacation so much. so much. I just heard about more changes coming down the pike at work and they are again NOT good for me, I'm going to need to find a new job now for sure and at 58, that thought terrifies me. I'm too old for all of this ****.

I like you a lot but sometimes I feel like you think I’m a bit mentally challenged. But this is only our 4th session so I’m sure we just don’t know each other very well yet. Then again the other therapist either talked to me like I was slow or talked like she seemed annoyed at me.

I don’t have SI or SH thoughts like I used to because. my meds got switched so I think we will have a different relationship then I had with old T.

i want to call you and ask for thursday but i'm afraid you'll get annoyed at me. even if it's cuz I totally forgot I had thursday off work when i said we oughta skip friday in case I have side effects from my 2nd covid shot - i still feel like because i said that, i made my bed, as the saying goes, and I need to live with it and not inconvenience you.

but damn i feel lonely.

Artie, please call. You’re worth being cared for.

L, I don’t know if I can keep doing EMDR. The more we proceed with this, the more easily and often I’m getting triggered. I don’t think I’m strong enough.