Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

Hi L. I'm feeling a little bit less lonely tonight. I painted earlier, which is soothing for me, and because I hadn't in awhile. And then my painting inspired a poem. And now it's almost time to go to bed. Why did you have to say what you did on Friday? Why? I'm questioning everything now and my brain is just sure you are going to say you can't work with me anymore because of what you said which would break my heart because it will just prove to me that I should have been the one to leave before you could leave me. Just like I've known all the **** along.

I still love you, anyway, you know. Just be gentle about it, okay?

I'm also not going to call because last time I asked to come sooner it seemed like you were booked up. And the way you said on Friday (before the fearful comment) that we should schedule the rest of the month to make sure I was on the books or whatever also made me think your schedule is full.

Artie bean there's no harm in asking if you want a session. She might say no, but don't let her schedule seeming to be full put you off. Maybe that was then but this is now.

I feel like I want to cancel the intro session I have for friday.

In this moment I actually feel disappointed we couldn't work out our last rupture.

Dear T... please reply to my emails...

I wish that you could somehow magically hear my thoughts right now and text me or something. I'm too damn stubborn for my own good.

I got a rocking chair that you mentioned might help. I’ve been rocking in it all afternoon. You do seem to have a lot of helpful suggestions.

Dear T,
Please be kind in your reply to my email. Also, I'm not entirely sure how to react to what you said about having had thoughts before that you wish you hadn't had your son. I mean you countered that by other times feeling intense love for him, but still... It might have been different had I been talking about similar things regarding D, but I wasn't. And even though I was sort of like, "yeah," I haven't had those exact thoughts.

I love you. I wish it was OK to actually say that to you...
--LT

Dear T,

I hope you feel better soon. I will be okay til I see you in 2 weeks. Just please take care of yourself and thank you for all your support. Hugs

This feels really hard. I am grateful that I hadn't planned anything 'special' for tomorrow's session, but the onslaught of everything is especially terrible timing.

I started to text you 3 different times today but didn't send any of them. (I'm pretty sure you can only see somebody is typing if you're actively in a texting thread already, and since we're not, hopefully you didn't see!) and then after i got triggered by something my sister texted i turned off my phone and just left it off that way i'm safe from texting you, too. I'm tired of feeling so broken. I know that the past year + has been difficult for everyone, I know I'm not special in that regard, so I just need to ****ing buck up already, close myself off, and stop being so damn needy already.

...um, eeeeee make that 4 times. I had to turn my phone back on to clear things up with my sister.

If I ask to talk to you or an appointment would you say yes or have the time?

£44.50 x9 tomorrow = £400.50p saved

Dear T,
I hope I don't regret reinstating my session with you tomorrow after initially canceling it. Please don't make me regret it.
Love,
LT

I had a dream last night about my old old therapist the one I had from March 2015-December 2018. It was weird. Mainly because I didn’t have pants on in the dream.

Why is old T not out of my mind today... she’s been running through my head all day and it’s driving me crazy.

Yet everything I think of that’s therapy related my mind goes to new T

I am so confused today

I really need to move.

Dear T.

I really hope you are okay and that you will be back in the office on Monday. It has been a very stressful week for me. I could use a extra session next week.

I guess it's time for a guilt mini-break. I don't know whether you noticed, but I didn't feel quite right in today's session. I was armoured to hell, saying words that might just have been what I thought you wanted to hear. I knew it was going to be a hard one, but apparently "Let's see what next week brings" is some kind of curse. I suppose I need to bring this up on the 22nd.

Ex T

I really hope at the very least you get some help so you no longer hurt others. I don't think you will ever know the depth of how you have hurt me but I am thankful for the lessens I learned in the process. But one should not need therapy to deal with therapy.

Thank you for asking time to call me today. It was helpful in calming me down. You have been amazing this week. Usually you are not great at reading your messages but this week you promised to try to do better be abuse I am struggling. You have answered all my messages within a few hours.

Also saying you were praying for me and Hwas really sweet and appreciated. You have always said and showed you care. Thank you for that.

I miss you T. So silly, as you are only gone a week.

T, you're running late and I really hope you give me my full 60 minutes.

I don’t know where the session went yesterday, do you? I hardly ever worry about you judging me anymore after all these years but yesterday,...it was so physical, what was happening to me, I can’t help but wonder how it looked to you, what you thought....all these parts they’re not calming down, they’re so active again today and I’m scared, I’m scared, I’m scared I can’t control their behaviour and I don’t know what to do, you can’t help us, no one can help us, I’m so scared, so scared of them but they are me and I am them and I have to listen don’t I, I can’t keep ignoring their cries because that’s when it gets dangerous isn’t it....but the screaming is too much, the memories are too much and I don’t want them, I don’t want anything to be real but now things are so confused and I don’t recognise myself in the mirror and my hands are not mine but who do they belong to? I just want a hug. I just want to sit in a room with you. Please.

I liked you, but I can’t see you anymore as the couples therapy has failed.

Well, another session wasted with....the same stuff from last time. I know your moving and its not changing our virtual sessions, and yet it changes what I was doing to help me get to the end of this to where we could see each other again. that is not happening, so after a mediation that i listened to and found tears in my eyes, I was able to realize what Virtual vs Office sessions means. Its a loss of a ritual of things, heating water to make tea, or using the coffee maker, feeling safe and secure once I crossed the door frame, seeing how beautiful you are and your sense of style, your hair down and looking radiant, seeing your smile. smelling the aromatherapy in the waiting area, having the 2nd office as my own to nap in after a dissociated state, and other things such as this. Now what Virtual means is looking at you, or staring out my window, having no real contact, wondering if your WITH me as I am crying, I sense lately, we are not in this, but just the motions of it, The more I let myself think about YOUR MOVING, I am starting to feel anger towards you. I do feel it was not as sudden as you say, but rather very calculated and planned but you put off telling me. Doesnt matter anyway. its done and over, One thing I will never say to you is your home is lovely, I love that backyard and would love to have something like it. For now like I said I am disconnecting from you, and not emailing unless I really need to. I guess I will work on my own Object permanence, as I drive by your home to see if your still there occassionally like I have many times before. No email doesnt mean your not there, just means your not responding to me. When you move I will have to trust your still there. Never could I say this to you, I love you. and miss you dearly.

As you know PrevT said,

TRIGGER WARNING !+++++++++.

“He (AbusivePDoc) forced you to do something sexual...legally/technically not “rape”...but in all ways despicable and abusive like rape.”
——
WHY WASN’T IT RAPE?

Even if she wasn’t calling it r*pe, she says it was still as despicable and abusive as r*pe.

I don’t understand why she didn’t talk to me more about it when I was in treatment with her?

It’s obvious to me now I was still confused by it because it wasn’t until years later when I started seeing you that it occurred to me that I still didn’t know what to call it. I was asking, “Wait, what happened to me??” Because I said, ‘no.’

I told her (and the police and the medical licensing board and my civil lawyer) exactly what happened, that I told him I wouldn’t do ‘that’ and he acknowledged that was fine with him...but he held me down and made me do it anyway, and I couldn’t breathe.. He wouldn’t let me breathe until I did what he wanted.

I told PrevT that afterwards I felt ‘happy I could do that for him,’ after all. Like, I wasn’t hurt..or mad..or distressed that he had forced me to do something I didn’t want to do. How screwed up was I!?

And she never challenged me on it, that I can remember. She never challenged me with, ‘Pre, you said you couldn’t breathe....you weren’t scared?...you were *happy* about that?’

And, no, I wasn’t! I think I must have been in shock and disbelief! She didn’t make me think about it. Why didn’t she challenge me about it? Maybe there was a reason she didn’t? I don’t know.
Why?
And why wasn’t it technically or legally r’ape? ?