Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

Hey T, when you get a chance if you could please just text me back to make sure you know tomorrow I have an appointment. And that you know, you're still alive. Thanks, Kit

You learn more off your enemies than your friends,

Also, I thought that was kinda funny when you said "well, I know how your brain works!"

HEY!!! Yowsa. It just hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks.

I see what you did now.

I don't understand why all these past therapy sessions bother me now.

I love that my shirt still faintly smells like the candle you had burning today when I was there. That was so weird at that one point where I let myself get distracted by the way the wicks get almost covered by the melted wax and there's barely any flame anymore. I saw myself doing that you know, pulling my attention away from what we were talking about to purposely talk about the candle instead. It feels so strange, this self-witnessing, for lack of a better term, when it happens.


I wish we could have had another couple of hours to talk today. It was a really good session that ended much too quickly!

Everyone is leaving at the same time again. I'm not saying I would prefer to be a mother with no doubts about mothering, I'm saying I would prefer to not be a crazy and depressed mother. All I threw up was blood and water last night.

Been crying since I woke up because I dreamt of my dead grandmother, I got to tell her I was pregnant.. she didn't want to hug because of covid.

I can't deal with all these dreams and nightmares anymore, there's too many and they make me so sad and sick.

Ps. I miss you

I don't like me. I don't think you'll reply. You didn't reply to my list of triggers and my counter question even though you literally asked me what were the triggers and that particular question I don't understand.

It's not critical enough to go to the psych ER as I'm not actively suicidal. I know you've a lot of clients, and probably a bunch in worse shape who need you more.

I'll use my coping skills the best I can, don't want to give you more reason to feel our session frequency "reinforces dependency". I don't understand why so many of my friends local and overseas get to go weekly but not me even in a crisis. You wouldn't offer an earlier session, I'd have to ask. I don't want to because I think you'd say no. You'll say "that's an assumption" sure but you never ever saw me weekly no matter the crisis. Chronically passive SI and active SH was 2 weeks to.a month. Super dissociative the first session after a sexual assault? 2 weeks. And I don't want to overstay my welcome. Like you keep saying, I've seen you a long time, been at current frequency a long time. I have enough shame being an adult who feels so "needy".

I was just going to send you an email with the realization that I had last night - but getting an error that email server is down so I can't even pull it up let alone email you. You got lucky haha!

Debating whether or not to send you this 6 paragraph email. It seems way too much for out of session communication, but then I’m not sure an hour session would be enough to cover it without you reading and absorbing it first? My feelings about the subject (that old chestnut, my dad, and his latest incident) keep changing, too. This morning I was full of anger and wanted to yell at my parents, but it would’ve been futile - hence the email. That I haven’t sent, but there’s a high chance you’ll be reading at some point. Now, I feel much calmer, I’m not sure if that means I processed the feelings by writing the email though or if I’ll still want to talk about it later.

Thank you.

I am so relieved we will speak on Tuesday. Marinating in uncertainty is my least favourite place to be, and I'm spending almost as much time there now as I did 10 years ago. Trying not to think about where this situation may be heading.

Hi T. I surprised myself by actually telling you I was convinced you were dead and I wanted to text you to make sure, but didn't. Thanks for reassuring me you are doing fine Haha. Also, I don't think I can do what you want me to do.

ETA: I kind of like the fact that you'd like to sit with me and have a drink, even though it would never happen.

Why aren't you available to me 24/7? And if you were available to me 24/7 would I tire of you? Have you built a whole career simply on the state of being unobtainable and thus alluring? I have got to hand it to you, that's a pretty smart move for such an old buzzard.

Uggghhh...I thought I'd be fine with you having the day off tomorrow (our usual appt. day), but now it feels like Tuesday is such a long way off.

T - Not sure what to say, I want to say something but cant its just a feeling anyway so its not accurate. Because I never really stalked you. I got really close to it though and feel guilty would you say following you to your new house would of crossed the lines?? So dissociated in my head lots of things happened. reality I gave up and turned around. the thing is I am an adult that knows better and still I drove an hour to try to catch up with you!!! WTF! I am not proud of that and hate parts having a strong influence on me. So you have moved 2 hrs 30 min away big ****ing deal !! and yet I am chasing you like a damn child. Pleas for you to stop, to turn around and move back. Its real. You are no longer 13 mins down the road, and your office is no longer 10 mins away. Your gone,

I feel like I don’t want to risk getting another pet because that one won’t want to be around me, either. Like new cat and lone dog.

I guess senior cat spoiled me by actually loving me.

So I did part of my homework (the part that was my idea because of working on my fear of being bad/wrong) and it sucked as expected, so I'm looking forward to talking about it on Friday. The other part that you suggested, I will get done either today or tomorrow after work.

Dear T,
Nope, not telling you about that dream I had last night, even though it was probably more about, say, comfort and being part of your life vs. something else. Especially since it was a platonic sleepover, and your wife was chatting with me in the morning like there was nothing amiss. And the interaction between you and her suggested a happy marriage, too. Not sure what was up with the part where I put a pillowcase over my head though. Hm, maybe your saying I didn't need to wear it suggests I don't need to hide myself? Hm...

Love,
LT

I'm doing my homework for sure; I just wish I could pull this off better without you...I'm still very dependent on you. I guess that's the process. Anyway, I sure wish I was talking with you right now...I've been an anxious mess all day.

Dear T,
I felt a bit sad signing off today, as I'm used to saying, "Talk to you on [x day]," but don't know if I'll see you Wednesday (in case of possible side effects). Is it weird that even if I'm feeling pretty bad on Wednesday, and might not be up for a regular sessions, I might still want to meet? Just to get support through that? I'll see how I'm feeling then. It means a lot that you've said I can cancel that morning if I choose and you wouldn't charge me. I mean, I know you wouldn't generally charge a client if they were sick, but with this, it's a potentially predictable thing.


I do appreciate the "take care."
Love,
LT
PS: Also nice to know I may be able to see you in person in less than a month, even though I'm anxious about the prospect.

Not you, Info, but some people are just clueless* children spouting crap.

*or cruel. There’s a chance of that with this person at least.

I felt really connected to you today, in a way that I've found quite difficult to access since we started working on Zoom. I'm glad it's still there, and yet I am really looking forward to resuming in person with you. That's the elephant in the room. I can't bring myself to say the words.

Dear T,
Two hours to go...anxious. Though I'm trying to put it in perspective that this time 10 years ago, I was waiting to get a C-section. So, a poke in the arm is nothing compared to that, right?

Love,
LT