Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

"Do whatever it takes to stay alive". I know I have a lot to be grateful for but I really can't see or feel it. I'm tired of being an old record playing on repeat.



Ordered a friend some chocolate for her birthday yesterday ( magic stars + 200g bag of M&M's) which she said she still loved even though it wasn't a pricey gift like I used to do before.

I sent the photograph, and the song. I'm not sure what I was thinking about sending the song.

Much to discuss Friday, L... much to discuss. I think I figured out another element to what I wanted to say the other day as I was getting up to leave. I messed up trying to cram too much into that what feels like a tiny sliver of time, didn't I? I'm sorry. I'm understanding something through my writing about all of this though... I really am. I think I know what my next steps are.

I haven’t really thought about transference T lately. Actually after that email exchange with my new one on Friday I think things have calmed down a bit regarding transference T. I’m not exactly sure my current one will be happy with what’s been going on lately. But we’ll see.

haha L every time i'm having to wait for work to be assigned to me today i keep going back and writing more.

David was on form tonight. I needed to hear him say the words 'You are meant to fall apart.' [emphasis mine]

btw L, I really love that word pugnacious. It so precisely describes that autonomous part, doesn't it? Gosh, I'm starting to be really glad you offered next week now.

hi t. I am now really nervous to bring up the idea of seeing E for art therapy. mainly bc of the money issue. you are being so awesome right now and not taking my co-pay, but I am sure you will ask if she takes my insurance, which she does not as of now. so I would be paying her full fee. I feel like I can't not pay you if I see her. plus I just realized that I got scammed out of a LOT of money and you probably didn't think I even had that much. Hence, I should be paying you right now. I don't know. I am not sure I will bring it up on Tuesday. We'll see I suppose.

Is it Friday yet?!

You are out of town again. I am somewhat comforted by knowing that you are visiting relatives that you hate.

Dear T,
I had this thought of you sitting on the beach drinking a piña colada. Then I was like, "No, you're totally drinking coffee, and not iced either." I'm struggling a bit, but managing. Trying my best to rely on other support people in my life. And just take things day by day. Oh, and I used a Fitbit mindfulness meditation to fall back to sleep in the middle of the night last night. I think you'd like that I did that.

Miss you. And hope you're having a relaxing time.
Love,
LT

I am so nervous for tomorrow. Ugh.

Thanks for fitting me in Tomorrow. I hope you don’t think badly of me already for not being able to wait until our scheduled session next Monday. I want to do things differently with you then I did with the transference T. These hormones ****ing suck though and my transition is just wrecking my mental and physical health.

I kind of forgot when you said you were finishing your break, I will email you to ask, though. It’s not urgent, but I have stuff I really want to talk about, so I’m looking forward to seeing you again.

Dear T,

I wonder what it's like to be loved by you
I wonder what it's like to be home
And I don't walk where there's a stone in my shoe
All I know is that with time I'll be fine
I wonder what it's like to fly so high
Or to breathe under the sea
I wonder if some day I'll be good with goodbyes
But I'll be okay if you come along with me
Such a long, long way to go
Where I'm going I don't know
I'm just following the road
For a walk in the sun
For a walk in the sun
I wonder how they put a man on the moon
I wonder what it's like up there
I wonder if you'll ever sing this tune
All I know is the answer's in the air
Such a long, long way to go
Where I'm going I don't know
I'm just following the road
For a walk in the sun
For a walk in the sun
Sitting here watching the world going by
Is it true when we die we go up to the sky
Whoa
Whoa
So many things that I don't understand
Burnt feet in the sand when I'm walking in the sun
Whoa
Walking in the sun
Such a long, long way to go
And where I'm going I don't know
I'm just following the road
For a walk in the sun
For a walk in the sun
Yeah
Whoa

I don't quite know what it means, but it means a hell of a lot right now.....

I am not yet finished with this rupture. I know you want to move on and carry on, but £uck that. I am going to drag us back into the discomfort because this is too important for me to avoid. Ironically, you have yourself to blame for that, it's part of the progress I have made with you. I still hate you, £uck you, love you, etc.

I got it ok with my new therapist but transference T still crosses my mind and it can still hurt very badly. I still think things won’t totally be ok. But I’ve thought that about other places and people that I don’t give much of a thought to anymore.

Of course I know you won't... but that doesn't stop me from wishing that you would. And I haven't even told you what I'm wishing for. So ha ha on me I suppose.

Maybe I can pretend and write to myself what I imagine you would say if you did.

I can't help but feel that I hurt your feelings with that one thing I said awhile back, since you keep mentioning it in some way or other every session since then. Although I know you said the other day that I should flesh out that thought more. I know where it came from, it came from the Pugnacious One, but still.... ok. I'll work on that.

Not sure you can tell or maybe its clear,not really sure, but have been so dissociative lately. Making appointments and cant remember where or when, wrote it down and no idea where. I tell you things and apparently, I have told you before. I was writing an email to you the other day, which I did not send come morning when i read it. I had said that I'm dissociating a lot lately, and feel very strange, like I hear and see things that are not really there. First, why would I say that, when I m not sure its true. Like I would know right? And yet just did not feel it was right to send to you. I feel old ways creeping in. Insomnia worse. For instance did not sleep last night. been up all yesterday and so far all day today. I can hear you asking to check in and see who it is, but its never quite like that, is it? I mean if it was wouldn't it be easy to cure. I feel that in any one issue, the solution is not always so clear because of the pile of issues that its all connected to.

And why when I hear Amy Lee's voice, I really miss you. Whatever!

I'm mad at you.

So many things needed to be said that were not.

Why do I feel like you treated me like you treat someone else... like maybe you didn't transition appropriately from the person before me. Maybe you too are feeling to powerless. I feel done.

Holy crap, L. I have already written 3 pages. I think I am just going to print it all out and hand it to you on Friday when I get there, and ask you to read it while I play in the sand. It took me 10 minutes to read it start to finish just now. And I'll likely be adding more before Friday. I don't know that I can stretch out a sand tray that long - but maybe I will do two, one in the wet sand and one in the dry sand. I've never done one in the dry sand yet.

Don't be mad at me, okay?

p.s. I wish I could have 90 minutes. An hour is not long enough for all of this.

I am way, way, way, way too attached to you, you know.

My psychological landscape is a grotty-looking, empty, 24-hour diner located on a two-lane highway in the flat middle of the country, depending on night owls and truckers for survival. A place where only the desperate linger.

I’m in the booth furthest back, not eating, maybe drinking water or coffee or soda. The waitress is bored, leaning against the counter, cracking her gum, and examining her bright-red glue-on fingernails to see if they need replacement. She’s sixtyish, her legs have seen better days, and her skin is the color of nicotine.

Of course it’s raining, and the lights are dim inside, brightening only with each pair of passing headlights. The only sounds are the rain dripping through leaks in the roof and trucks splashing at speed through the puddles on the highway.

That’s as much homework as you’re getting from me.

If only I hadn't said what I said. If only I had agreed with you. You were off the ball, so I can see where you are coming from but I also stand by my statement that there isn't anyone else out there who u can do this with. I tried before I found you, remember. You were my last chance. I asked dozens, and all said they wouldn't work with me in this way. And of those who said they would consider it, you were the only normal human being.

I see you in about an hour. I’m kind of nervous. I don’t know how it will go. I’ve lost 7 pounds since our last session and I’m wearing different clothes then I was at our last session so it may be noticeable. I honestly don’t know how today will go since I still don’t know you or how you’ll react to the issues I’m having.

I ate a chili cheese dog this morning so you wouldn’t panic too much. Although maybe you’ll just see through my ********.