Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

t,

thanks for offering your help. i would have never asked on my own.

me

I wish it was possible for my mum to see you. I know it likely wouldn’t be ethical and she was adamant she didn’t want to see anyone last time I suggested counselling, years ago, but I wish she could find better ways of dealing with this long term stress. I think the main problem is the source is still “there” even though the circumstances are different. It’s also sad that this change has made me feel almost like I’ve been unshackled, my spirit is so much lighter in a way I didn’t realise was possible, but for obvious reasons, she can’t let go.
The silk painting turned out better than expected. The bee doesn’t look like it’s puking, now! I was nervous that mum would ask about the blue silk paint I spilt on my bootlace (didn’t have a good explanation ready), but weirdly she doesn’t seem to have noticed it.

Everytime I remember what happened this week I feel like such an idiot. I can’t believe how careless I was, I almost really hurt myself and the baby. I was so scared I had. I feel humiliated about the encounter with the police even though I know that’s how they treat everyone. I could have really hurt the other person too. Do you think it was cursed? I don’t know how I’m going to get another car before the baby is born.

I kind of remember how my previous T was a bit unprofessional towards me at times and now I don’t know what’s going on with current T. I just feel kind of alone right now. Maybe I need to give therapy a break altogether for awhile. I always end up feeling so confused.

Dear T,
I really need to stop checking the weather for tomorrow morning. You said you would rather just meet virtually if 50% chance of rain, but would be fine with 5%. What if it's more like 15-20%? I guess you said to just let you know an hour before, so I'll see what it's looking like then... Just hope we can meet in person, even though I'm feeling pretty nervous about it. Otherwise, we'll have to wait another week because I'll be away. Which, I know, is nothing compared to 15 months, but still...I'm getting antsy.


Love,
LT

What do I want to get out of tomorrow? I thought I knew, but now I'm not so sure.....

It’s been a while month now since I’ve seen you. That’s the longest with no contact in 4.5 years. Now the restrictions are being extended for another 4 weeks I guess your hope of possibly being back face to face in July looks unlikely so I guess we’re on our own for even longer. I’m still think on balance it’s for the best, for now. But some parts still feel like dying, like the separation is killing them…us…we won’t survive. I bought a book to read to them, I wish you could read it to them, they wish you could read it to them, safe in the same room. Maybe one day. Miss you.

Yes, I got the message loud and clear. You are not there for me.

It is merely a 1 hour conditional 'caring'. I am done with you.

Dear T,
It's sunny out. Now I'm nervous...

Love,
LT

This is weird. I know grief well, but not this kind of grief. I can dress it up and use whatever defences I want, but...



There was nothing 'peripheral' about that relationship. He cared deeply about every single person who crossed his path, whether in person or virtually. I was one of a great many whose lives were made more bearable, simply by the fact that he was in the world.

And now he's not, and I have to get through three more days and three more sleeps before we can talk about it, in a way that won't even come close to what I need.

@LostOnTheTrail I am so sorry for your loss.

I'm so sorry, Lost....

I know you told me last week that after your surgery you’ll be doing telehealth sessions from your bed. And that just creeps me the **** out. Why can’t you just take time off? Then your going to be super distracted and probably loopy from pain meds and with your usual weirdness and strangeness it will probably be even worse then usual and I’ll feel even more uncomfortable by you then I already do. On Wednesday when I see you I think I will strongly suggest we terminate and I hope you can switch me to someone who fits my personality better.

Dear T,
Thanks for meeting with me outside today. It was good to see you in person after 15 months. Yeah, it did feel more casual and a bit more friend-like, but I think that's OK? It helped me feel more connected to you, and I'm not under some illusion that we're actually friends vs. therapist and client. I think maybe I just needed to see that you were still there, in 3 dimensions. And that we could still connect that way.

Will I feel a little sad that I'll be seeing you online Wednesday? Yeah, maybe. But I'm hoping this in-person meeting can hold me until we can meet in person again for real, inside your office. Or that maybe we can do another outdoor one next month, though it's only going to get hotter outside, I suppose (at least cicadas should be gone!).

And sorry if I had trouble parting ways at the end (maybe it wasn't obvious?). I sort of wish I'd been the first to get up and walk away, though I suppose I was standing at the same time you were leaving. Hm, I think we need to further address my fear of possibly overstaying my welcome with people. I mean, if you had a client at 11:30, you'd have had to get back upstairs and set up an online session, plus anything like using the bathroom. And I can recognize that intellectually. But emotionally, it's hard for me to end the first in-person session in 15 months with "Bye now."

Love,
LT

Try your best not to £uck this up. Can you recognise my emotional effort? It has felt monumental. I dread you being cold. Your inconsistency is acutely painful. I don't know how this will unfold.

It's hard when I'm not sure you understood what I was trying to say in my email.
I can't tell whether you didn't understand, or whether you were trying to help me be OK until we can talk on Thursday.

Not that this is OK, by any stretch of the imagination.

If I'm being honest and I know it's small in the grand scheme of things, but I actually feel annoyed with not being given a possible session date and it hanging over me. Given that I asked last week on Weds . You did reply on friday. Not including the weekend it's only been 1 working day.

I don't feel like I want a session a now. Maybe you were right about the on demand thing. Kinda wish I didn't email you when I was crying. My email restraint has improved though! No follow up emails in between!

Hey T. I hope to hear from you soon if/when we are meeting this week (in person!)? You said you were working on the schedule over the weekend, so hope my hard time slot works out ok. A little nervous.

still haven't heard from you

Hey L. Can... oh... never mind.

I’m sitting in the park by your house whilst R is playing on the slide. You’re literally a few minutes walk away and I can’t see you. It hurts, it hurts a lot.

Dear T,
I need to talk to you about some stuff from yesterday. I do think I need to leave out the fact that it *did* kind of feel more relaxed and friend-like, because I don't want you to say we can't meet outside again like that. Or even if you didn't do that, if you'd keep your guard way up.

But I think I need to talk about the awkwardness of the goodbye and also how you are requiring the full 24 hours (or at least 23 hours) notice re: Friday when in the past (including recent past), you haven't. And I *know* it's only fair to ask for that, but at the same time, if you were relaxed about it before, then suddenly aren't, I question why. And that, in turn, makes me worry about other potential changes.

I mean, let's be honest, I'll probably wind up keeping the session. But I also would like to have more time to decide, if at all possible. But I also don't want to turn this into a poorly timed conflict.

I think I just need to process some stuff with you about yesterday. Hm...I wonder if the stuff at the end, both with Friday and then the awkward goodbye, was more difficult for me because it *did* feel more friend-like for most of the session, and then you were asserting boundaries? Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's related...

Love,
LT

Omg, i’m seeing you in 5 hours. so nervous!

Two more sleeps. This is the first time I've ever lost anyone this way, and I hope you understand why I am severely impacted by it come the end of our next session.

Dear T, I hope you are ok. I'm thinking of you, way more than I would like to be truthful, but I am, and I think it unlikely that this will change over the coming weeks. I hope you are grieving, not in a mean way, but because it is a natural process and one that you have taught me is healthy. But I hope that you are coping. I hope that you are finding a way through it all.

I went to see old T this week. It was good to see her. Terrifying but good. She totally got it. Totally understood why I was feeling like I was, and helped me to see that it was a fairly natural response to the current situation. She has also agreed to be a therapy guardian for me, should anything happen to you or should you have to stop working for any reason. I'm very glad of that. It's been on my mind for a while, though my thoughts never turned to Old T for some reason.

I'm sure you'll be ok with that. I hope you'll be ok with that.

Please take care of yourself, like I am taking care of myself. Trying to at least. Sometimes that's all we can do, right?

Love me x