Couch 226--CCXXVI Couch

Maybe just a here if you need me message would be better and leave it up to the person to get back to you.

I'm glad you've got people who do believe you. You know it's real and would also avoid reading stuff like that.

In the words of my favourite singer Hasley: "You're ripped at every page, but you're a masterpiece". Maybe it's time to embrace the Japanese art of Kintsugi. I think respecting the person that you have been doesn't come from trying to erase that person completely. See yourself as being joined back together with gold- better because of everything that made you break in the first place.



And in practice:

Hugs. I sort of cringe whenever T acknowledges and validates us, while someone inside definitely gets very happy.

Just out of session! I vaguely remember expressing to T I struggle to accept our multiplicity because it's facing the horrific reality of my past.

Dissociative amnesia is so bleeping bad lately, so my memory of most of the session is gone. However I definitely wrote notes in session, and a child alter told T to have some Easter chocolate. And we got a fist bump though it took a moment for brain to remember wtf to do.

Can you ask T if you can voice record your sessions so you can go over them later?

I honestly don't feel I should ask. I actually still record (I feel guilty!).

I confessed some time back (long before alters etc) and I remember (because I wrote it down) she said she wouldn't stop me but hoped I'd "respect the space" and stop.

She gets recorded a lot in other professional contexts like lecturing, giving workshops and webinars but I get why she wants me to stop as I didn't seek consent. (1 party consent here.)

She's also done a few public "ask me anything" Zoom webinars where the public gets to ask her tons of stuff I'll never know. Eg I literally can't even ask "how do you use countertransference in therapy?" without a discussion on why I want to know. While any other non-client would probably get answers with examples without identifying information. (I'm assuming that because back when I studied counselling, the lecturers would give examples of transference, countertransference in their practice.)

I admittedly feel my progress in therapy would be extremely slow, with a lot more ruptures without recording. And maybe I'm selfish: Even on the lowest end of sliding scale (and I paid full rate for a long time), therapy per session is literally 1.5 months of my grocery bill. Forgetting most of sessions feels like I'm pouring money down the drain. And the vulnerability (and therefore risk) is mostly mine. She's very relational but I know very little about her.

Maybe I'm rationalising away guilt.

I have a few options depending on the friend.

One appreciates "hey I want to check in, how are you? No pressure to reply, I'll leave this space open."

Another likes "Hey, how have you been? Here if you want to talk."

Another "Thinking of you. Let me know if I can help with [specific things I can help with]."

Hi Couch,

I'm having a tough time at the moment. April is hard, because of a couple of anniversaries. It's not fair on me to try and evaluate how I am doing whilst I am in it, right?

Sending good thoughts your way.

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk

Hugs. You're right: It's not fair to evaluate yourself during a difficult time, especially if you're prone to self criticism. You deserve compassion.

Seeing new T in an hour and a half. I feel super nervous.

I think you could evaluate later, but just getting though each day is a huge achievement.

Ah I didn't know it was something you were already doing. No judgement from me. If it helps it helps.

Hugs

I'm scared that I'm too effed up to make a romantic relationship work.

I've been with my BF for 4-5 months. It's the first time either of us have ever been in love. Now, we're having what is objectively not a big problem but it is making me so so so upset. I'm scared I'm going to lose him. Simultaneously, I'm also scared that every little issue between us is a sign that there's a red flag and that I should break up with him.

I just don't trust myself. I don't trust myself to not eff up something good, or to recognize when something isn't good at all.

*curls up in bed, whimpers*

26 mins now.

I hope it goes well, Lemon!

Hugs, Chihiro. I hope you're able to work out the issue.

Same with the bra-removal trick and guys always seemed impressed. It's not really that difficult...

I feel like it did, he was okay with me not displaying my video and seemed like someone I could actually talk to unlike Frey the previous T I saw. Who I knew it wouldn't work out within the first 1 min and 30 seconds as he was late.

G said that he could also see me at a discount for £37 a session and was okay with me setting the schedule and not wanting a fixed slot time. Also said that at one point he did 120h in a row by going everyday.

I wasn't used to him writing notes during session though. I asked to see a copy which he said he'd email to me.

At this moment in time I don't want to go super regularly. I also don't want to get attached again.

I'm glad it went well, Lemon! I think it's pretty common for T's to take notes in the first session or two, as they're getting basic background about you, so he might not do that at future sessions. Did you schedule another session with him, or are you just holding off for now?

Glad it went well, and that he's willing to be flexible on scheduling as well as willing to show notes.

I'm glad you're checking in with yourself on your needs and feelings about this.

Whatever the issue is, you're allowed to feel the way you do. Every relationship takes effort and there will be issues for everyone, but sometimes it is better for people to be apart then together and miserable. I used to think love alone was enough, but it's not if there's no respect too.

Maybe have a look here for red flags in particular not to ignore.

24 Relationship Red Flags You Should Never Ignore | SELF

Thanks, Lemon

The only thing I can find on there is that he does like to tickle me, but he always stops when I say "stop." (He's not ticklish at all.)

What's bugging me is that we're having a problem* and neither of us are very good at talking about it... and instead of trying to talk about it, he is being irritable. (Nothing egregious, just stuff like... I dunno, he has these freckles on the side of his face, and we have a cute little thing where I poke them. But when I did this a few nights ago, instead of laughing or poking me back like he usually does, he said, "how many times are you going to count those freckles?" Which was just a WTF moment.) But then if I ask him if something's up, he says no.

Red flag for being a poor communicator? I just don't want to have to forcibly drag this man through his feelings for the rest of my life, I guess

*TW for a sex-related thing -- defs TMI for most folks

I haven't booked anything yet. His booking system is all online so you can see what he has available. I'm surprised he also does work on saturdays too. For next week there's only one slot on tuesday free.

Today was a full fifty + 9 mins over that so does feel like a full session and enough for me. My exam is on the 22nd so I might book after that. I'd like to go every 2-3 weeks or once a month .

He did send a photo of his paper:

Are you seeing Dr T today for the session you asked for again or have you already seen him?