:-(

Mouse_ · Jan 21, 2008, 11:03 AM

I just come back from T where I talked about something I had no idea I was even going to talk about, felt i had no issue as such....ppfftt guess I have to think again on that!....My issue was I use to emotionally stalk people...I'd take OD's only so I could get symphapy.....Ii mean man, I was an hostage taker emotionally....I can't tell you the wastied yrs I've spent doing this....someone showing me an ounce of sympahpy and I was stuck to them then....I just brought up to T how much better I am in this area now...have a friend at work that I talk too and leave it there...dont carry her around in my head 24/7.....can go to tea at work and if she doesn't get to have tea at the same time as me...thats ok....then T said that you must also feel disappointed?...%#@&#! her!.....I was trying to tell her how much better it is for me now with people and she had to throw that in....I told her yes I'm not saying I don't feel other ffeelings...but there not all Ifeel now...I can be happy on my own too....then I felt and still feel this anger in me...I told T that she doesn't know the pain I've l ived through by laching on to people tyring ot get something from them which is mostly in my head...then T said but it couldnt have been all bad?...bollocks it was....so I'd get a feeling of being cared about for a short while but it was always short lived...just like the drug to the addict and I AM do so much better now and I told T she isn't going to take that away from me....I may not be able to do relationships perfect...do intimacy perfect...I may have to retreat at times but if thats what I have to do to keep going forward then I'm going to do it my way...T said why would I want to take anything from you?...ok through my anger and tears driving home I know i've touched on a raw nerve here or why else my reaction to it...but I know whatever this is must be a very core issue for me because I feel very threatened!....I feel T has told me that I am no further on then I was when I was at my worse...I must be....I mean I dont even want to do this old behaviour...well least ways I have more control over it now...I can feel when I'm about to become the stalker monster and talk myself out of it....%#@&#! it! I feel this anger and defensiveness stuck right in my chest....I am so fed up with T being perfect..being able to know what I'm defending before I do....I told her I have to get out of here now! which was fortunate as time was up and now i;m stuck knowing that something is being pulled of me and I feel full of shame and fear and ggrr...I am better....

Perna · Jan 21, 2008, 11:22 AM

It's not black and white. Your latching on to others wasn't just bad, like you felt it to be, but you did get something from it (or you wouldn't have done it) as T points out.

Translate that to how you're feeling now, threatened. What did you say at the beginning, "felt i had no issue as such"? Well now look, "turmoil". Isn't that nice? T can't say you're all cured and throw you out.

There's always sides to everything so start looking for ones that aren't obvious to you. Yes when you're "happy"/pleased you can imagine that there will be unhappiness/anger/threat somewhere but what about less unhappy or unpleasant, more rounded feelings?

Think about your T and imagine her thinking about you :-) and what you're telling her. She's neither expressing the feeling that you are all cured and perfect at relationships or that you are horrible at them, she's just pointing out that there are other feelings in there, disappointment. But she's not any of those feelings, she is just going along being herself. Even keel. She's not caught up in your "whiplash"? She's trying to help you get to where she is, in yourself.

I use to try to observe my T sometimes (third person) and suspend myself with my roiling emotions during a session. They're calm and quiet, and trying to imagine what my T was thinking and feeling helped calm and quiet me sometimes too.

Mouse_ · Jan 21, 2008, 11:52 AM

Perna, I understand some of what your saying...not all...I know my head is leading me now....you know as T opened the door today she said "you leaving?" I stopped and said "what?" she said you were half way down the path...I turned and goes, was I? I didnt realise. its only now I:m home I know what starting this %#@&#! %#@&#! off...I was trying to see into her living room and saw a peanut and snacks dish out on her table and I remember thinking that she proberlby had friends round at some point and the pain and the disappointment, yes disappointment and jealousy that this has raised in myself! I could never tell her this! %#@&#! bollocks...was I leaving? I was trying to appear aloof I should imagine to hide from her my true feelings that I want her all to myself!!!!!!! I am so tired of this pain, why?, why?, why? what do I do this! why do I want this? I want it to go away....!!!!!!

Jan 21, 2008, 12:00 PM

(((((((((((mouse))))))))

I just wanted to give you a cuddle ...... Jinny xxxx

Perna · Jan 21, 2008, 12:07 PM

You have tattoos? SI? They're pain.

We have to check the living rooms for peanuts, the reality, before we can learn to populate our own living room with friends. You can only have what you can imagine, can only imagine what you can think about, put into words because all one's understanding is in words. Try to picture something without words. One can't do it because we're identifying and defining things we "see" in our mind's eye; even the call up of what to see is in words of some sort.

But think about yourself a year ago. Would you have tried to see in T's living room then? No, because it would never have occurred to you; you didn't have any concept of what you were "missing" back then, were nearly 100% self-involved.

It is wonderful that you noted you have the friend at work but don't have to be attached to her (or have her attached to you). That goes along with trying to look into T's living room; you and T are "separate" now. That's painful/"disappointing" but it's also marvelous like you know your non hostage taking self you've become is.

Mouse_ · Jan 21, 2008, 12:17 PM

Jinny, Thank you! I so need that right now!

Perna, Oh believe me I've tried to peer into her living room for the past 3 %#@&#! yrs I've been going to see her! ... I'm gonna have to tell her this tale in a near-enought-version when I go back on friday...miss the bit out about trying to peer into her home but say I was acting aloof trying to hide how much I need you..yeah I think I can say that...its doable...now ive got the rest of the week to get through so I guess I'd better get on with the rest of my live... and try and put this pain in the background on the back burner so to speak... perhaps this pain and jealousy has already happened and the situation is just triggering feeling memorys...yeah...thats it....

Perna, thanks for all the replys you do here to me and others!

Perna · Jan 21, 2008, 12:25 PM

What! You're not off today for Martin Luther King Day? :-(

LOL

Mouse_ · Jan 21, 2008, 01:16 PM

No not over here in the uk, you know that little island that is currently under loads of water LOL!

Mouse_ · Jan 22, 2008, 10:41 AM

I cried a bucket of tears last night...that pain I get or use to get more when I yearned to be loved hit me in the pit of my stomach...I had a flash back to all the times I'd been hospilised and how on one occassion as the nurses were pushing the tube down my throat to pump my stomach and being very harsh telling me I should make sure I do a better job next time, that still was better then not having anyone...it hurt to remember those moments...I had no ffeelings about them back then...just felt I deserved their judgement off my acts...but I remembered last night how sad and uncared about I felt and can still feel today...Perhaps this is half way to solving this ...the fact that I could feel the love for the me I was back then that I so yearned for from the nurses and others...I was a humanbeing hurting...I mean who would choose to have tubes and needles put into them mistaking that for being cared for??? o