[shame]

I sit in my session - talk to T about the week etc.. and I begin to have horrible flashbacks of my childhood ... things i never thought i would remember again comes up .. then i tell her and she ends the session.. whats up with that? i come home in a bad mood all kinds of feelings .. and being my appts are on late fridays - she is never around to help me process flooding thoughts... by Monday everything is back to normal till i go back .. is this normal or a part of therapy - i dont think it is good to end a session like that but for some reason it always ends when i have a flashback while talking to her.. just dont know the reasoning in that - is this the way therapy is suppose to go??

[kaimarni]

I don't know why your T ends the session every time you have a flashback. Do the flashbacks always come at the end of the session or does your T end the session in the middle because you had a flashback? I would get really upset if my T ended the session in the middle and if this is what is happening you should definitely ask your T about it (if you feel comfortable). I can definitely relate to things in therapy putting you in a bad mood though...sometimes for me things dont really come up until the end of the session and then I have to leave with all these feelings.
I wish i could offer you more advice ... but this is something I have alot of trouble with myself...take care XX

Yeah, I'm also wondering about the timing. Do you see your therapist for a certain amount of time (e.g., so every session is uniformly three quarters of an hour, or an hour or whatever) or does your therapist cut the sessions short when you have a flashback?

I'm going to work with the assumption that the session times are constant (but I could of course be making the wrong assumption there).

If the session times are indeed constant then the question becomes: How come you tend to have a flashback near the end of the session? I too find this... That I only manage to home in on something meaningful for me to be talking about near the end of the session. I think that what is going on with me is that I kind of do want to raise this important issue, but I'm kind of scared about doing so. Ambivalence... And the ambivalence expresses itself by the issue just happening to occur to me when we are nearly out of time (such that we aren't going to talk about it at length, but so that I do get to raise it).

One thing you could do is work on some strategies to help you cope during the weekend. If flashbacks are occuring to outside sessions and you are having trouble coping with them then there are certainly strategies that your therapist can help you figure out such that you are better able to cope with them and htey occur.

If it is that your therapist is cutting your sessions short when you start talking about the flashbacks, then I have a reason why that might be happening... But it is pointless to think about that if the sessions are of uniform (or roughly uniform) length...

[shame]

i have a standing appt on Friday evenings because i do not have a car during the week ..
THe flashbacks come at different times in sessions - but is just pushed aside and not examined although i do tell her . and then most the time it is just before the session ends .. it is not discussed and i dont know why i have flashbacks when we are talking about something totally different .. it is all very strange to me.. are the flashbacks related to what we are talking about in someway or are they just intrusive thoughts that mean nothing?? Is there a connection?
I feel like when we end - nothing is accomplished and it is frustrating.. Maybe because it is Friday and she wants to go home? not sure.. Last week it all came out on my husband and he was floored - the anger - and asked is this what i am paying for your therapy for?? Just wish i knew what to do to prevent all the venting feelings after sessions cuz i feel lost and no one to talk to about it.

[SweetCrusader]

When you say your flasbacks are "pushed aside," what do you mean? Does your T pretend that you're not having a flashback?

I think maybe you should show your T these posts you've made, or try to remember what you've said here and share it with T.

[Perna]

It's quite common to have thoughts and feelings stirred up during therapy. When I had Friday night sessions I loved them because that gave me the weekend to process things.

When you get home, write stuff down and work with it; question relationships with what you were talking about at the moment they came up and what memories and thoughts you get, etc. Write down your dreams. Keep working on it until the next session. All that stuff has to come up and come out.

[sunrise]

free, when I first started with my T, I began recovering memories of my childhood that had been suppressed. (Usually the forgotten memories would occur to me at home, not in his office.) I had actually not remembered these awful things for decades. T and I worked on these things with EMDR. I asked him why I would remember these things now and never before, and he said it is because I am in therapy now, and they are ready to come out. They are just lining up, waiting to be dealt with. They come out when the time is right. We were doing EMDR therapy and I guess maybe my unconscious realized that here was a therapy that could help with these awful things, and here was a man who could be trusted, so voila, traumatic memories come out! He said it is very common.

It must be very frustrating for the flashbacks to come and your T shunts them aside. Please talk to her about this and why she does not want to work on your childhood flashbacks. This is very important! It sounds like you have several flashbacks that have occurred at the end of sessions. How about taking one of those flashbacks and beginning the session with those memories? That way, your T can't use the time as an excuse to not deal with them. At the very least you need an explanation from her of why she won't work with you on these memories.

You said that you found the flashbacks fairly overwhelming and had difficulty coping with them. The more you talk about / experience the flashbacks in therapy the more powerful they are likely to get outside therapy.

As such it is important to have some coping strategies in place before you really get in to talking about the flashbacks. So that you can cope and so that you don't get overwhelmed.

It might be that if the therapist is avoiding the topic (which I'm not yet sure they are) that is because they are trying to work within the theraputic window where you aren't overwhelmed.

can you talk to your therapist about this, though?

[shame]

She ends pretty quick after a flashback - doesnt matter when it comes - it is usually ignored but if she addresses it she says - well it wasnt your fault.

[shame]

alexandra .. she cuts it short after a flashback - normally we have an hour .
Session time is constant every week normally.
I dissociate alot .. I cant remember what happens in every session but when memories come up for me in a flashback .. for some reason between her office and home - my mood is totally changed.
My husband got a ear full on friday and asked why he was paying for my therapy . i think the flashback brought up alot of anger i didnt realize i held inside for so many years.
Maybe my T just doesnt want to hear it.. who knows.
What could be the resoning in that .. why she would shut it off so fast and end? it makes me feel so agitated.. i want to know why i am having them come up when we are talking about something totally different from the flashback ..?
Is the flashback related in some way or what is this?

[shame]

Perna .. yes i realize things will come up but happens when i am not looking for them .. how to connect them to what we are talking about is what i want to know.. i dont think i am "getting it".

[shame]

Sunrise ...that is a good idea to do with them memories that come up - to begin the session like that .. maybe she is just not experienced with it .. she is a LLSW .. maybe she has not trained for that - i dont know.. if she has - it doesnt seem like it. It makes me feel awkward when it happens because i have to stop and say ..wait i am having a flashback .. sometimes i dissociate into it .. and then she is just done with me.. thinking maybe she just doesnt know what to do with it..??? i dont know.

[Perna]

I think if you are dissociating a lot, that might be warping your sense of time too? Your husband getting the anger, that's after you have left T because the time is up; she has to end the session when it ends.

Our mind can "string" things, like pulling taffy, so if you think of something in session, your mind may just keep on going, keep on triggering things afterwards and there's not a whole lot your T can do about that. I use to do that, drive home hardly knowing what I was doing, driving too fast, missing my exit, etc. She may be trying to stop the stringing by not discussing some of the flashbacks so hopefully they don't string or not so bad or she may not be aware of how they are affecting you because you haven't told plainly enough so she understands?

You really have to tell your T what is happening so she can know and adjust what she is doing. We can only guess at what is happening and what she might be doing and the sorts of things that might be happening to you.

But T's are not "in control" especially of us/our minds; before, during or after our sessions and we have to work with ourselves and "adjust" to what is going on. Some of that is our work with our minds to do all the time and it gets harder with therapy. Not everyone is suited for therapy because they can't hold themselves together enough? My T and I once had a discussion along those lines and she offered to have me go see a therapist she thought was better than she at "telling" how far I could "bend"/go and whether it was dangerous for my health for me to be in therapy.

[shame]

Perna ~ i agree that dissociation in therapy maybe what is happening .. it happens all the time .. and yes i have gotten lost before going to T's office and then once coming home.. left in so much confusion i did not know where the hell i was going. . maybe i am not a canidate for therapy .. what is left? i know at times i cannot keep it together long enough to hear what she is saying because i drift away in my mind ..she sees that part and then stops and asks me where i am. i dont know most the time .. i just go off somewhere i guess. What she sees is the blank stares.
but i want to know what is happening to me in those times and why .. what causes that? Maybe she is a trigger for me?
Maybe i should stop therapy and stay away from ppl .. cuz everytime i am with someone - even alone - i dissociate..
for example - i was doing a cornice board this weekend .. had most the material on and measured etc .. went outside for a break - came back in and was totally lost on how i did that .. stayed confounded for over an hour before it came back to me. was frustrating..and is frustrating when that happens - i forget how to do simple things too.. i hate this about me and cant seem to do anything about it.

[Kiya]

for the longest time, when i would do that in therapy my t would change the topic back to every day things. i was dissociating too badly to talk to her or stay present. it too almost 3 years before we could actually work on stuff. she had to get me to trust her enough to stay present at least 90% of the time.

[MissCharlotte]

Yeah. T pulled me back to the here and now, and still does. But, I think you should discuss this with your therapist.

Are you sure that she is cutting the sessions sure after you have a flashback? Could it be possible that you are having a distorted perception of time, instead? One way to check would be to note the time when you leave...

It sounds to me that your therapist is attempting to do things other than get you talking about flashbacks because you don't have the coping strategies in place yet to deal with them.

The more you talk about them the more intense they get and the more they occur to you outside therapy. If you are having immense difficulty with them as things are (as it sounds like you are) then it would be counter-productive to get you spending more time on talking about them.

1) Build coping strategies
2) Process trauma

If 1 doesn't happen before 2 then the client can be overwhelmed (it sounds like you are a bit already).

Can you talk to her about your concerns?

[shame]

wow 3 years? thats a very long time. sorry you had to go thru that

[shame]

yea i will

[shame]

yes i am sure she is cutting the sessions short after a flashback. Could be a distortion of time also.

hmm ... wondering why she hasnt gone much over coping skills - except breathing and writing.

wondering why it is so intense after and not during? because i feel out of control sometimes afterward.

yes it is overwhelming at times.

i will talk to her about this on my next session..friday.

[sunrise]

free1, I agree with what alex wrote. You do need the coping strategies first. Please don't assume you are not a candidate for therapy because you don't have the coping strategies yet. You can work on those. I think what is most important now is that your T share with you what she is doing in your therapy and why, so you don't feel that she is ignoring your flashbacks and deep needs. If she let you know she wanted you to build your ability to cope first, it would help you feel less ignored and basically "clueless" about the way she is treating you. Knowledge of your therapy will bring you comfort and confidence. Let us know what happens when you talk to her. Take care.

[shame]

so what am i to do when i do have flashbacks without the proper coping skills .. so far i dissociate and cant control what comes later after sessions with her.? - that is until i do have the skills in place?
All she says if i tell her about the dissociation is .. that can be dangerous! - i say yes it can .. so what am i to do? she always replies with .. it wasnt your fault. Wondering what that is about .. it wasnt my fault ... i dont know where she is coming from half the time .. it is like talking in circles - i tell her please talk to me clear so i get it .
I will talk more about on Friday and see if she tries to help me with this. If not then i have to stop because it is so maddening and confusing for me.

[sunrise]

It sounds like a very frustrating situation, free1. How about if you write down a short list of the questions you must have answers to before you leave her office next time and give it to her. Maybe even write down her answers in case you dissociate and forget. Perhaps your list would include "how should I cope when I dissociate?", "can you help me learn to cope?", "why do you ignore my flashbacks when I have them?", "do you have a strategy for helping me with these past traumatic events?" As you mentioned, maybe she does not have the training to deal with issues like yours. In that case, you could ask for a referral. Please do not think that the fault is yours and that you are not a good candidate for therapy. Hang in there and best of luck!

Added later: occasionally I dissociate in session, and when my T learned that, he watches for it now. He says he tries to retain a greater degree of connectedness with me when he sees signs it will happen and this helps me remain there with him.

[shame]

thats a great idea Sunrise - i will do that.

I used to have precisely this problem. I was hospitalised for quite a long time (a couple years) a long while back now. I was seeing a psychologist in the hospital - and she didn't want me talking about my childhood memories - especially my childhood memories of my mother.

At the time I was furious. Those memories were occurring to me outside the therapy sessions - and I knew that those memories were what were really flooring me. I thought that getting better meant that I had to talk about those memories. But she wouldn't. I asked her how I was supposed to get better if I couldn't talk about those things. She said that the purpose of her seeing me in the hospital was for me to get to be stabilized well enough for discharge. That the work on those memories would come, but it would come much later down the track once I was stabilized.

For me... The stabilization came from DBT skills. I learned a whole variety of coping strategies for when I'm struggling with intense emotions / memories. Writing and breathing are two coping strategies, to be sure. I use both of these. But there are many, many other coping strategies, too. Coping can be about... Trying one thing, that not really working, trying another thing, that not really working, trying lots of things until one finds some relief. Different strategies work best for me at different times. I'm learning (gradually) how to listen to my body in order to figure out what it needs / what is most likely to be helpful at the time. It is hard work, and it is an ongoing process.

DBT skills are typically taught in a group setting, but there is nothing to prevent your individual therapist teaching you them in a one on one therapy situation. It takes 6 months to go through all the skills and most people find a benefit to going through them twice. Establishing good coping skills is a significant achievement and I really can't overstate the HUGE difference that it has made in my life. It really is very important to get the coping strategies working well so that one can cope with trauma processing. And even when the trauma processing starts sometimes one needs a little time out from it to revisit ones coping skills...

Could you talk to her about wanting to increase your coping skills such that you are able to process trauma?