Couch 228--The Wellness Couch

I always got the impression you *were* the more involved parent, LT.

Could you have gone and gotten your daughter instead, to get some time alone together with her?

(I feel like I might be misreading your post, so I’m sorry if I am.).

So in the past...year--more than that, as it started pre-pandemic--she's been really attached to H. And rather indifferent to me, no matter what I tried. Though she and I had a good dinner out on Wednesday, just the two of us. I feel that if I'd gone and gotten her, she'd have flipped out and sobbed that it wasn't H getting her. Plus we were trying to give her a bit of time with H's home (first time she's watched her since the pandemic, and dinner only took an hour).


If things had been different, it would have made total sense to pick her up. But, for example, she was really upset when i got her at school the other day instead of him, even though we'd given her plenty of warning (and I'd intended to take her out to lunch--her Wednesdays are only a couple hours since return to school after pandemic).

I feel in a way, I'm more involved behind the scenes, like researching things, for example (like her IEP--individualized education program--for school, which she has from being on the autism spectrum, I'm the one who reads through that closely and comes up with questions or other ideas, while H will just be like "OK, I'm sure it's fine" without reading it until the annual meeting is happening). And there was a long stretch where she did vastly prefer me. But then it shifted for no apparent reason. And it has seemed like there's not much I can do to change it. And H also will act like some sort of martyr, like "Oh, she's attached to me all the time." When, I feel it's on him to set limits? As he'll tend to get mad if I try to step in to say to give him a break. I just feel sort of stuck in the margins, and I tried to talk about that tonight, but it went over very poorly.

The big difference is, compared to some conflicts in the past, I'm not sitting here beating myself up over it. I feel like what I said was reasonable. I was trying. I don't feel like I was accusing, even though H acted like I was at one point. He mentioned how this one particular thing with her that bothered him had been going on for a while, and I had no idea. Because he hadn't told me. And he seemed angry that I hadn't somehow psychically known what was going on? So I said I wanted to know in the future. So if nothing else, I could support him and back him up. And also so it wouldn't seem like his yelling at D seemed to come out of nowhere. (I also said how I didn't like him randomly yelling at her. That it would be better if he could say something to her before he got to that point.)

So, they just got back home, and...we'll see.

Hugs to all who need/want.

In short-story submission sagas, in honor of one of the Couch’s favorite words, I almost submitted to a literary journal called Defenestration. (I didn’t because they don’t accept simultaneous submissions, and they also take two months to respond, which is a long time to make only one submission for a finished story.)

Yay! You deserve a good rest.

Hugs if wanted LT. What you do for D is just as important.

Yes! He's so smart with his explanations of chaos theory, and I love the fact that he keeps saying "I told you so" when the park starts to fail. His delirium rant is the best when he says just because it could have been done doesn't mean that it should have been.

Hammond also gets eaten in the book and not in the movie. I would have preferred it if Lexi had been killed off rather then him.

I hope you can sort this out with him. You are correct though you can't know if something has been bothering him if he never spoke about it.

From a show I watched this couple had a notebook where they would write messages to each other, to start the conversation about stuff they needed to actually talk about but didn't know where to start.

Would you both consider going back to marriage counselling?

Yelling at a child isn't cool either.

I have spent all day on my bed because it is cold and rainy. I only got up to attned to pets, put a load of laundry on and make many coffees. I asked the property manager at the inspection last week if i could have new windows because thats what the window guy said i neede when he came to fix my shutters that dont cloes and guess what i am getting new windows in my bedroom inwill no longer get cold winds during winter.

That's brilliant, BCM! I'm so pleased you asked, and were able to get what you needed.

Thanks, QM.

Thanks, Lemon. The notebook is an interesting idea, maybe I'll mention it to him.


Unsure about marriage counseling. I mean, I'd be willing, but don't know about him. At one point a while back I asked him, and he said he'd had enough of marriage counseling for a while and would need a break. Haven't asked him recently, in part because it would have been basically impossible while D was doing virtual school. But she should be back full-time in the fall (she was back for close to full-time in March), so could be possible then?

It seems to me that phrasing your concerns as wanting to be a more involved parent should have gone well. Why was he put out by it? If this came up with my wife, I would be curious about how she felt and how she wanted to be more involved, even if I didn't think it was a problem from my perspective.

We have some pretty strong parental preference going on here too, and it's tough. It's tough to be the parent who the kid wants to do everything for them and it's tough to be the parent who feels rejected (knowing a toddler is not really capable of rejecting somebody but still feeling the sting). It definitely requires conversations between the two of us about boundaries and how to handle various things that come up. Also, I hate being around yelling and don't find it helpful in childrearing. At best, you're teaching the kid a pretty poor way of communicating.

I agree that marriage counseling might be helpful. You seem more confident about yourself and your views now, so that might make it more productive too. (Although presumably a more competent marriage counselor wouldn't get into the weeds of your personal "stuff" the way ex-MC did!)

We tried a new Thai restaurant last night - it was delicious and they gave us these little delicious tapioca/corn pudding cups for dessert - they are fantastic.

I love Thai food. There’s a place really close to us and they’ll often throw in little freebies. Last time we got an order of spring rolls. Which is smart for them because they were so good I’l that I’ll definitely order them on my own again.

I've never had Thai food.

My first experience of Thai food was fish soup. I wasn't expecting it to taste fragrant, but it inspired an interesting analogy about feelings in the therapy session I had a few days later.

I'd be interested to try other Thai food, but if it's all floral-tasting, I don't know whether I would like it.

Artie, I think you should definitely try to find a place. Personally, Thai is my favorite of the Asian foods. Well at least the Americanized version. My dad once was in China for a month and they weren’t eating General Tso’s.

I think I'll look for a place near my new house, I have a whole new area to learn what's here. So far we found a really good mexican restaurant but haven't looked for anything else yet. What's a good "beginner" dish to try once I find one?

Was that the tom luck soup? Floral is the word to describe it, i couldnt put my finger on it! It was on the tip of my tongue. All these clichés are just confusing my meaning!

Eta - not luck, tom yum.

They will advise you, esp regarding spiciness. I used to have to sign a waiver to convince them to bring me their extra spicy garlic
chicken broccoli dish, so good.

Pad Thai doesn't taste floral, though I've only had vegetarian versions.

Its a particular herb that is used. Kaffir lime leaves. I love them! I got a bag and add them to my rice noodle soups.

I expect fish sauce splits the couch.

That sounds utterly obscene, I am so sorry.

Una will forgive me if no one else can.