[Mystical_Being]

Little bit of a back story- Last summer I was working with a therapist that meant the world to me but was unethical and had a personal role with me pretending to be my mom and went on a leave of absence and totally disappeared. It has been rough ever since with lots of grief and still not completely over that loss. Then in the fall I started with a new therapist even though I really did not want to because the hope at the time was that the unethical one would be back. I have been working with this new therapist for 8 months and we have done great work and there has been lots of progress. Last week she said she is terminating me because she wants to focus on her core specialty, needs the sessions I have each week for her new clients and that it is "to much" for her and she consulted with her supervisor who I am guessing told her its best to terminate. I have another month with her to figure out the next steps.

I have no clue what to do. I am still messed up from the unethical therapist and that ending and now have to end again. I don't trust therapists anymore and I don't have the emotional energy to start with someone new and I can't rehash my whole story again. Every time I have started over it takes months in the "get to know you" stage before real work begins and I can't waste anymore time. I have had over 13 therapists at this point and am traumatized and drained from starting over and ending so many times. I want and probably need to take a break from therapy but with the severity of my mental health and what is going on with my life, I am not sure its a good idea to loose that safety net. Has anyone else taken a break or stopped therapy because its to much to keep going through the pain over and over?

[Lostislost]

Some therapists are just not a good fit, or unethical and do more damage than good. I’m sorry this one has terminated you, hopefully the last few sessions will help you figure out what to do? What is her core speciality, never really heard of a T having one?

I have taken a break from therapy several times, usually when I felt like it wasn’t going anywhere with that particular T.

It doesn’t sound like much of a safety net if it’s just made you worse. If you feel like you can’t trust any of them and are drained and traumatised, then a break might be good. I guess your T might recommend someone else for you to see? I would find this change really hard too.

[Mystical_Being]

Originally Posted by Lostislost

Some therapists are just not a good fit, or unethical and do more damage than good. I’m sorry this one has terminated you, hopefully the last few sessions will help you figure out what to do? What is her core speciality, never really heard of a T having one?

I have taken a break from therapy several times, usually when I felt like it wasn’t going anywhere with that particular T.

It doesn’t sound like much of a safety net if it’s just made you worse. If you feel like you can’t trust any of them and are drained and traumatised, then a break might be good. I guess your T might recommend someone else for you to see? I would find this change really hard too.

I don't want to give to much away but there is a type of mental health disorder she specializes in and wants to focus on that but I honestly feel like its a cop out to not want to work with me. She knew of my issues when we started.

Thank you for your response. I guess its not much of a safety net but its better than falling out of the plane with no parachute. I want a break but at the same time want to have support but starting over takes energy I don't have. I have such bad luck with therapists that its like, how many times can you be dealt bad cards until you throw them away you know?

[Mystical_Being]

Anyone else?

[SlumberKitty]

Hi @Mystical_Being not sure I am going to be much help today because I'm battling some demons. But I had a thought. I know my insurance does this, maybe yours does too. My insurance has a care coordinator program where they will be like an advocate for you and help you find services and then coordinate those services. They also help you set goals that are reasonable and within reach but stretch you a little bit. I've done the program twice with my insurance and found it helpful. They also find you like crisis places and stuff like that. Maybe your insurance does this? Is this helpful? Maybe not.

As for whether you should start over or take a break, it sort of sounds like maybe you are in a fragile place and having a safety net would be better than not. I know starting over is a pain but sometimes it is better than nothing. Just my two cents. HUGS if wanted. Kit

[ScarletPimpernel]

Some therapists believe that therapists shouldn't be long-term. T believes that. She'll only see clients weekly for two years. After that, she tries to taper down. She'll always be your therapist and you can always return. She jist won't do long-term. I had a counselor who said that therapists should be changed often...like politicians. Made sense to me. However, I prefer long-term therapy and thankfully L is offering me that.

Whether you continue or don't, that's completely up to you.

I chose to continue after ex-T abandoned me. It didn't even occur to me to stop trusting therapists. I just knew that I needed help and the only help I knew of was to get another therapist asap.

About starting over: technically you don't have to start from scratch right away. Just present them with your issues and work backwards (and forwards). I did that with T. We did both every session. About 15mins on history and 35mins on present issues. We had to. If she would have just only concentrated on "getting to know me", I would have fallen apart. But she did need some background information so she could be able to help me better.

I also hoped that ex-T was coming back. I knew she wouldn't, but I still hoped. It was hard with T. I even told her at one point that I hated her. But we worked through it. And I'm glad we did.

Eta: one of the therapists in Ls office just switched to her own practice to work on more specific issues and population. It happens. It doesn't mean it's your fault or because of you.

[Mystical_Being]

Originally Posted by SlumberKitty

Hi @Mystical_Being not sure I am going to be much help today because I'm battling some demons. But I had a thought. I know my insurance does this, maybe yours does too. My insurance has a care coordinator program where they will be like an advocate for you and help you find services and then coordinate those services. They also help you set goals that are reasonable and within reach but stretch you a little bit. I've done the program twice with my insurance and found it helpful. They also find you like crisis places and stuff like that. Maybe your insurance does this? Is this helpful? Maybe not.

As for whether you should start over or take a break, it sort of sounds like maybe you are in a fragile place and having a safety net would be better than not. I know starting over is a pain but sometimes it is better than nothing. Just my two cents. HUGS if wanted. Kit

I saw your post on the couch. Big hugs to you kit. That insurance idea is a great thing you brought up. I had no idea insurances did that. I will have to look into if my insurance does this. Thank you.

If I am being very honest, this therapist and my last one have put me in a fragile place. So at this point its a question on if therapy has helped more than it has harmed me.

[Mystical_Being]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

Some therapists believe that therapists shouldn't be long-term. T believes that. She'll only see clients weekly for two years. After that, she tries to taper down. She'll always be your therapist and you can always return. She jist won't do long-term. I had a counselor who said that therapists should be changed often...like politicians. Made sense to me. However, I prefer long-term therapy and thankfully L is offering me that.

Whether you continue or don't, that's completely up to you.

I chose to continue after ex-T abandoned me. It didn't even occur to me to stop trusting therapists. I just knew that I needed help and the only help I knew of was to get another therapist asap.

About starting over: technically you don't have to start from scratch right away. Just present them with your issues and work backwards (and forwards). I did that with T. We did both every session. About 15mins on history and 35mins on present issues. We had to. If she would have just only concentrated on "getting to know me", I would have fallen apart. But she did need some background information so she could be able to help me better.

I also hoped that ex-T was coming back. I knew she wouldn't, but I still hoped. It was hard with T. I even told her at one point that I hated her. But we worked through it. And I'm glad we did.

Eta: one of the therapists in Ls office just switched to her own practice to work on more specific issues and population. It happens. It doesn't mean it's your fault or because of you.

This therapist that is terminating me right now said in our intake session and sessions after that she did long term therapy and that was fine with her. Now that she has decided to terminate she is saying that the main thing I came to her for should have been resolved by now. I am being vague here but the stuff she says now is messy.

That's a good idea of doing part of the session on current issues and part on background. I just don't know if I have the emotional energy to go through it all again. I also had hoped my ex T was coming back. When I look back on it therapy has caused some worse issues than it has solved so to speak or perhaps my luck is just bad.

[corbie]

Weird. Raises some red flags, based on xT experience. Were you in agreement on what the "main thing you went to her for" was? And what is it about 'should have been resolved'? Either it is, or it isn't. Decisons based on 'should' are fishy. Of course, if she's planning a change of direction in her career and you're in the way, that's ... cold, but hard to argue with :/ She knows about your attachment issues, right?

Anyway, very hard to give advice - only you know what you need help with the most, what feels like help to you and what alternatives you have. You still have time with your current T, so it might help if you can openly discuss these issues with her. Hopefully she doesn't get defensive or dismissive (though it sounds a bit like she might have already?)

After the xT Fiasco Part 1, I felt like I don't want to ave anything to do with bloody therapy ever again. AFter a few months I decided I'd try to sort things out with her, and after about half a year I sterted considering more therapy with her. After Part 2, I again felt like taking a break, but after maybe about a month I started looking for therapists again (mainly thanks to encouragement from a friend who ... long story, but managed to find someone she could work with) I might be lucky, but so far the one I ended up with seems to work out better than I dared to hope. Part of the reason is that unlike xT, she refrains from telling me where I should be and how fast I should proceed, she seems to be content to work with what is. BTW I'm still not over the xT stuff, after well over a year, even though that was the main focus for a while and still comes up in sessions every now and then. It does feel like a lot of time wasted, but out of the realistic alternatives, it's probably as good as it was likely to get. One thing I finally managed to learn over the years (maybe, kind of) is that trying to hurry things WILL end badly for me, no matter what anyone (including myself) thinks.

[Mystical_Being]

Originally Posted by corbie

Weird. Raises some red flags, based on xT experience. Were you in agreement on what the "main thing you went to her for" was? And what is it about 'should have been resolved'? Either it is, or it isn't. Decisons based on 'should' are fishy. Of course, if she's planning a change of direction in her career and you're in the way, that's ... cold, but hard to argue with :/ She knows about your attachment issues, right?

Anyway, very hard to give advice - only you know what you need help with the most, what feels like help to you and what alternatives you have. You still have time with your current T, so it might help if you can openly discuss these issues with her. Hopefully she doesn't get defensive or dismissive (though it sounds a bit like she might have already?)

After the xT Fiasco Part 1, I felt like I don't want to ave anything to do with bloody therapy ever again. AFter a few months I decided I'd try to sort things out with her, and after about half a year I sterted considering more therapy with her. After Part 2, I again felt like taking a break, but after maybe about a month I started looking for therapists again (mainly thanks to encouragement from a friend who ... long story, but managed to find someone she could work with) I might be lucky, but so far the one I ended up with seems to work out better than I dared to hope. Part of the reason is that unlike xT, she refrains from telling me where I should be and how fast I should proceed, she seems to be content to work with what is. BTW I'm still not over the xT stuff, after well over a year, even though that was the main focus for a while and still comes up in sessions every now and then. It does feel like a lot of time wasted, but out of the realistic alternatives, it's probably as good as it was likely to get. One thing I finally managed to learn over the years (maybe, kind of) is that trying to hurry things WILL end badly for me, no matter what anyone (including myself) thinks.

Yes we were in agreement that-the main thing I went to see her for is listed as one of her specialties. She did say in the beginning that she only worked with children who had it and still spent 8 months working on it with me. It’s a life long thing and in the start of our work she said it takes as long as it takes and now its “it doesn’t take this long to work through this”. She is now saying I need a therapist who deals with this in adults. She should not have taken me on if she has that little experience with adults. This woman is colder than doing the polar plunge in winter. Yes she knows of my attachment issues and is now saying she only deals with them in children and I need a therapist who does adult attachment issues. Don’t take someone on when you don’t know what you are doing and then ditch them later because its “to much” for you.

I have tried openly discussing these all of this with her and each time she argues with me, gets defensive and dismissive. Its like walking on egg shells and our arguments are like a toxic teenage friendship. She won’t allow me to discuss my feelings on it at all. It doesn’t feel safe to anyways. This this whole thing is so messed up. So you can probably see my hesitation in more therapy.

Thanks for sharing your experience. I am also not over my T before this one and its a long, hard, lonely road. So its helpful that I am not alone in that. Therapists don’t understand there impact on people or they do and use it for a personal power trip.

[corbie]

Originally Posted by Mystical_Being

Yes we were in agreement that-the main thing I went to see her for is listed as one of her specialties. She did say in the beginning that she only worked with children who had it and still spent 8 months working on it with me. It’s a life long thing and in the start of our work she said it takes as long as it takes and now its “it doesn’t take this long to work through this”. She is now saying I need a therapist who deals with this in adults. She should not have taken me on if she has that little experience with adults. This woman is colder than doing the polar plunge in winter. Yes she knows of my attachment issues and is now saying she only deals with them in children and I need a therapist who does adult attachment issues. Don’t take someone on when you don’t know what you are doing and then ditch them later because its “to much” for you.

Yeah, bull****. Let's assume she genuinely underestimated how different this would be from her exact speciality, and genuinely can't handle the situation - that sort of mistakes happen. In which case the correct solution is indeed to transfer you to someone else. BUT then she should effin' take responsibility for her mistake. Not blame you for not getting well enough fast enough and leave you alone with the problem. Sorry you're going through this

I have tried openly discussing these all of this with her and each time she argues with me, gets defensive and dismissive. Its like walking on egg shells and our arguments are like a toxic teenage friendship. She won’t allow me to discuss my feelings on it at all. It doesn’t feel safe to anyways. This this whole thing is so messed up. So you can probably see my hesitation in more therapy.

Thanks for sharing your experience. I am also not over my T before this one and its a long, hard, lonely road. So its helpful that I am not alone in that. Therapists don’t understand there impact on people or they do and use it for a personal power trip.

Oh, damn her Also, this sounds soooo like xT. Yeah, I do see why you're reluctant to engage in yet more therapy. If my current T pulled something like this on me, after nearly convincing me that she's reliable, I don't think I'd ever trust another one. I mean, at this point it does seem unlikely that she would, but I still fear that the moment I allow myself to feel safe something like this will happen. Clearly, even when you have a really solid reason to believe that the therapist knows what she's doing and things will work out, she still might just, dunno, get fed up and dump you.

And yeah, they're so blind to the degree of hurt they can cause. But not understanding? I'm not sure. Based on my xT, towards the end she developed an inability to understand things that I'm pretty sure we'd have no difficulty discussing and agreeing on in a neutral situation (or even things that I outright remember her explaining in a different context). (And I'm inclined to believe that in those specific situations she genuinely could not see those things - I have my own experiences with brain suddenly going empty and not knowing even what I know) So I think often it's more some stupid defense mechanism than an actual lack of understanding.