Couch 229 - Acetominphen and

I think it's bugging me because he's not usually dismissive. There have been a few slight dings to our relationship lately. Nothing major, just little things. Like twice last week he "lost track of time" and we had to change session times, which makes me feel like he doesn't really want to have to talk to me while he's away for school. And the thing where he didn't give me a warning about the fire in the Netflix show he recommended.

I've been seriously questioning my ability to be in a therapeutic relationship with him and being able to accept its limitations and being able to accept that it's going to end by his choice. It feels like I can't really open myself up fully to have this conversation with him because it makes me feel ashamed that I wish those limitations weren't there and I feel like he's probably glad they are there because who the hell would want to be friends with me. We're supposed to have a phone or video session this evening and I have been considering just cancelling it and the rest of the week and picking back up when he's back in town. I don't know what to do or say.

I cancelled my last session with Dr. K because I was feeling really stable and stuff. That was on June 15th. Then he went on vacation and is still on vacation and I don't have an appointment with him until July 19th. Only today I am suicidal (no plans, just thoughts). And I have no professional to talk to. But likely I wouldn't have anyway because of Dr. K's vacation. Sigh.


I let one of my support people know and I also let my Noom Coach know. Not that I expect her to do anything about it (but it is affecting my motivation and my food choices). It came out of nowhere. I was feeling good about seeing my sister and my nieces tonight and tomorrow. My birthday is tomorrow and I was feeling good about that. I took tomorrow off of work so I could just enjoy time with my sister and nieces. And I'm going to Disneyland next week, and I have new cat Helen plus Amelia. There is no reason for me to have these thoughts/feelings right now. They came out of nowhere and they are very heavy and distracting.


I want to self harm which I haven't done in over 17 months to get rid of the thoughts. But I know they would just come back with a fury so I don't plan on doing that. I'm like what the heck! I don't know why I am having these thoughts right now. This is what mystifies my treatment team as these thoughts come out of nowhere for me and there doesn't seem to be a cause. The only thing I can think is that I've been having lots of dreams about the hospital. But hopefully that's not causing this.


I'm tempted to email former T. She might respond. But I know the risk is that I will feel worse if she doesn't respond. I could try the T that I had before Dr. K and see if she has any appointments on Saturday. Which is still a long way away but that's when she sees clients. I don't know. I don't know what to do at this point. It came on all the sudden about an hour ago. Super strong and even the yellow roses that my coworker bought me for my birthday and the Dutch Bros coffee that she brought me isn't cheering me up. Argh. I just want to lay down and die. But there is no reason for this. My mood just dips unreasonably low sometimes and it is hard to get out of these bad spots.


Hugs to anyone who wants one. Kit

Hugs, Kit. I'm sorry you're struggling with this. The thing with mental illness is, sometimes we have feelings that just don't seem to make sense. I often struggle with negative feelings around my birthday--I know you said you're feeling positive about it, but could it maybe be tied to that? Or missing your cat who passed away? Or maybe, even though you're excited about it, spending time with your sister/nieces, then going to Disneyland just seems sort of overwhelming, like it will take up a lot of energy?

Or maybe you feel like you don't deserve all the celebration about your birthday? I remember crying a few years ago when a friend sent me a random gift for my birthday, where it just made me feel sad for some reason. Like as much as I want people to care about and love me, I can also have trouble accepting it at times. (This may have nothing to do with how you're feeling, just throwing it out there.)


You could try contacting the T you had before Dr. K maybe? With former T, I know you've said sometimes she takes a long time to respond, so that could make you feel worse, maybe?

Dr. T went well today. I'll share more later, but he basically said that he was pushing me because he believes in me, that I can achieve the things I want to do. That if he didn't believe in me, then he wouldn't bother pushing. Which felt nice to hear. He also said that he is intentionally more gentle with me than he is with most of his clients. Which I said I appreciated.

Oh, and he randomly mentioned how he doesn't always practice unconditional positive regard and that he's not a humanist. (Though, if he doesn't always practice it, wouldn't that just make it conditional positive regard?) Which was kind of funny because we were just discussing that here on the Couch!

Hey LT

Thanks for the response.

It could be any of these things, or all of them. I am worried about Disneyland because we are staying at the Disneyland Hotel (my first time staying at a Disney property) and I'm not entirely sure where it is on the grounds, I'm not sure how close it is to downtown Disney, I'm not sure how the parking works, etc. So there is some stress along with the excitement.

There is stress along with excitement about seeing my sister. She is still separated from her husband and she's been seeing another guy on the down low. I know but my parents don't. Well my Dad does because I told him but my sister didn't tell him. So there's like this big secret that is there that is going to be right in front of me during her visit and I need to make sure not to mess things up for her. My niece has been having a really hard time with her Dad lately and she just wants things to be better so I am sad for her but hoping this will be a break for her so she can just relax and enjoy being 16--almost 17.


I used to always self harm on my birthday but I haven't the past couple of years. Last year's birthday was particularly good and I'm concerned perhaps that I have psyched myself up and this years is going to end up sucking or something. I don't want myself to deal with disappointment.


I guess there is a lot of things at play that I hadn't really considered. One of my support people that I texted said a demon is trying to steal my joy. Also possible. Not sure what to do about that though.


And I just did some "listening" to myself and I feel like a knot in my stomach. I think I am fearful about something--probably the possibility of the need to go to the hospital, if I had to guess. I thought about going to the crisis walk in center tonight but they can keep you up to 24 hours and I don't want to miss my birthday. But it would keep me safe.


I also kind of sucked at Noom last week. I had a bit of the lazies and didn't want to do some of the stuff. I told myself it's okay. It's my goals, and I will get there when I get there, it's not like a race or anything. Or if it is it is a marathon, not a sprint. If I have an off week, I have an off week. It's okay. Just dust myself off and go back on again.


I guess there's a lot of undercurrents. I just don't want to get sucked under. I'm going to spend a little time meditating and maybe do some chair yoga and see if I can release some of this negativity and see if that helps. I'm going to do some breathing exercises too to try to help with the fear.

Thanks for helping me think things through a little more LT. On the surface it seemed like they came out of nowhere but there is a lot of stuff actually going on with me.


HUGS Kit

Hugs, Kit. Glad I could help in some way. It really does sound like a lot is going on, especially with the secret around your sister. And also what happened in the past on your birthday.

And I agree with what you said about Noom, where it's a marathon, not a sprint. You're trying, and that's what matters.


I think your being aware of what's going on could help you from being sucked under.

Oh, another thing Dr. T said was that he was trying to be with me like a parent would be to their child, standing over them as they try to do a difficult math problem. Telling them they should just keep trying and working at it, how they know the child can do it. It helped to hear that as well.

6.5 hour drive today and 4 hour drive tomorrow to get from my parents’ house to the new apartment, and it’s hotter than blazes outside — at one point, the car’s outside temperature gauge read 119! It’s getting cooler as I drive, though, which is nice.

I've been working with this morning's nightmare off and on all day today. It won't let me go, feels like it's very urgently trying to get me to LISTEN. So I'm working on figuring out what it's trying to tell me. I'm getting there, I think.

If I also knew you in real life I would like to be friends with you. Nothing you are saying or feeling is wrong. Wishing those limitations weren't there is a perfectly normal thing. Maybe you could take back some control and set an end date?

The thing is the little things do also add up to something too.They need to be talked about too. I hope you can do what's best for you- if you have to cancel so be it.

Therapy session today didn’t go well. I expressed concerns with my family and as a result she may have to call CPS. She said she would call me before anything happens so I’m prewarned. I’m so nervous. My brother is going to kill me.

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What a cute picture of your cat!


I'm sorry your therapy session didn't go well. I hope she can prewarn you if she needs to call CPS. HUGS Kit

It's okay if you don't want to post about it more- but is there anything else that happened in the dream?

Well, I'm less suicidal now. I am more mad than anything. My sister is going to ruin my birthday tomorrow. We are very religious and she is actively stomping on some pretty hard boundaries that we hold. I get it. I know why she is doing it. But I don't know why she feels the need to ruin my birthday. I was excited to see her and now I'm just mad. And I can't talk to my friends about it because they are all "in the Church" and it will be viewed very negatively. And it could impact my Dad who has a leadership position within the Church. I don't want that to happen. So I told two friends that are not from my Church but I feel the need to lash out at myself for this anger and I can't let myself do that because I've come too far to go back. I wish my sister wasn't coming for my birthday. I was really looking forward to it and now I am not. And I can't believe she thought that my parents would be cool with it. And I can't believe she didn't know that I would tell them. Because there is no way I wanted that to be a surprise. At least I have Disneyland to look forward to next week because my birthday is going to stink. I'm really angry with my sister. I don't get angry often but when I get angry, I get really angry. At least it doesn't last long, but it means I will probably be more suicidal than I was once the anger wears off.

"I guess there is a lot of things at play that I hadn't really considered. One of my support people that I texted said a demon is trying to steal my joy. Also possible. Not sure what to do about that though. "


Do you believe a demon is trying to steal your joy? Sometimes we will feel sadness and it's normal to do so. It teaches us to appreciate the good times. Maybe you could pray for protection.

There's always videos on youtube for the disney parks. Maybe watch see one for tips on what to expect. There's also lots of planning groups as well on facebook/ reddit.

Hope you can really rest in between too!

Hi Lemoncake,

I don't know. I do believe in Demons. Dr. K does not. We spend a lot of time on this in therapy. But for someone else to suggest it, makes me more certain that they are real as opposed to a delusion. My support person wouldn't lie to me. I'm definitely going to do some praying once I get off of work and before my sister shows up.


I will look for some videos on youtube. I guess I just want to know what to expect.


HUGS Kit

It's not clear from your post what she's doing, but can you just tell her not to come if you really feel she's going to ruin your birthday?

Its not just the sister, its a whole phalanx.

Ooh, someone’s been studying her Greek...

Kit, does this have to do with your sister’s new person?

Everything i know, i learned on MSF

So what exactly is this thread?

A place to come talk about whatever. Good stuff. Bad stuff. Meh stuff. Your therapy or therapist if you have one. Stuff going on in your life. Anything you want to talk about.

I would never give the therapist a real name of a family member or friend. I barely gave them my real name and I didn't give them a real address and used a burner phone number. They are not trustworthy and a threat to report something I told them would cause me never to go back. I also never would have told them anything reportable.

I hope benedryl doesn't give dogs dementia like it does humans - my poor tweaky dog is terrified of fireworks and the yahoos in my area are already shooting them off so he gets benadryl laced cheese.
Some of my friends who took off to the pacific nw for cooler weather are now regretting their camping choice - it is cooler here in southern midwest swampland than it is where they are