Couch 230: Decent Communications

H got a long distance job that he had to get up at 3am for, the packages have to be delivered by 8am to a small town in the middle of nowhere that's like 4 hours from here. I woke up when the alarm went off just long enough to mumble "Bye, be safe" then promptly fell back asleep! 3am is definitely too early to be awake! He didn't mind it though, he loves these long distance deliveries.

I am having one of those days where I don't want to have to worry about gluten but just want a giant bacon cheeseburger, french fries, and chocolate layer cake with buttercream frosting.

Today is therapy day. After about a month and a half break. Maybe longer. It's been a while. I can't even properly remember what Dr. K looks like. If someone asked me, I'd say, kind of bland. That's the best I can come up with.

I KNOW there is stuff that I need to talk about but I am kind of drawing a blank. This means, either there is too much that is going on and I cannot pick a topic because they all seem important, or I'm dissociative. Or I suppose both could be an answer.


I'm going to try to make a list or something so I have something to go off of. I think the last session I had with him was about 7 weeks ago. Right after Esther died. (Well we put her down.) A lot has happened since then. Plus, I'm going to visit my sister this week/weekend so that's stressful right there. At least I got me a hotel room so I can retreat to that if need be. And it's next door to a Starbucks so I can get something to eat if I need to.


I offered to the boys to take them to my parents house for a visit since I'll be up their way. I texted them on Saturday and have gotten no response. I know it is tough on them because they are living with their dad right now and he probably would give them a hard time if they wanted to come on a trip down here. And I know my Mom gets on L's nerves because she has memory problems and continually asks him the same things and then he gets frustrated and mouthy, and then she gets frustrated with his mouthiness. I'm not sure I'll even get a response from the boys. It's like the family has fallen apart. I guess that's something I can talk to Dr. K about.


For some reason, I'm like really nervous about my session tonight. It must be because I am out of practice.

Hugs, Kit. When you posted last week, it seemed like you wanted to talk about the stuff with your sister. So maybe that would be a good place to start? I hope your session goes well.

Thanks, LT.


Yeah, the stuff with my sister, my Mom being ill, my upcoming trip to see my sister and the anxiety of that, my SH thoughts. I think I have too much to talk about. I think I need to focus on the last two but to properly understand the anxiety of seeing my sister this week/weekend I'm going to have to go into the stuff with my sister and that's just like a lot. Like where to even start. I probably wouldn't have had this problem had I not chosen to take a long break. (Well I needed a break and then he went on vacation so it ended up being a very long break.) I'm hesitant to bring up the SH thoughts too because I don't want to be hospitalized. So I'm kind of in a muddle about what to bring up and why.

Hugs, Kit. I hope it goes well.

Thanks. Artie.

I forgot about this one but I need to bring up the diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound just in case it is cancer. That's been weighing on me too. I don't know what I expect talking will do about it, maybe normalize it. Normalize the fear of it. I don't know. Part of me is just like, whatever will be will be when it comes to that stuff. I can't stop it if it is cancer and I don't need to worry about it if it isn't. The whole thing is still like not quite three weeks away so plenty of time to ignore it.

Sounds like you do have a lot going on, Kit. It's hard to prioritize for that short therapy hour sometimes. I hope you're able to talk about whatever is most helpful.

I don't normally listen to country music, but this song is speaking to me.
Chrissy Metz - Should’ve Known Better (Acoustic Cover) - YouTube

The anniversary of the fire is tomorrow.

I kind of like mama's broken heart by miranda lambert. She is batshit crazy in general but I like the song."Word got around to the barflies and the baptists
My mama's phone started ringin' off the hook
I can hear her now sayin' she ain't gonna have it
Don't matter how you feel it only matters how you look"

And of course Goodbye Earl by the ex dixie chicks. Actually I guess I kind of like some country music - I love the trio albums by Dolly Parton, Linda Ronstadt, and Emmylou Harris - master harmony.
I like the women of country music

Ah heck — when I was leaving my apartment this morning, I bonked one of the pillars with my car. I was only going like 5 mph, if that (I was turning out of my parking space) and there’s no damage to the exterior, but now the steering wheel is like 10 degrees off from where it used to be and all of the alarm lights are on.

Back to the car repair shop — that’s what I get for being scatterbrained in the mornings. (I wasn’t texting or messing with the GPS or anything, just thinking about other things).

Ouch, Chihiro. I hope you can get it sorted soon.

So I was recently asked to be a Culture Ambassador at work (a volunteer thing, basically it involves promoting our internal company culture) and the training was today (I'm at lunch now). It was really enjoyable, and I learned a lot of great things, some of the tools are going to be very helpful in my personal life as well and I wish L had told me about them. Maybe she did, but at a time when I wasn't ready to hear about them. I guess this means it's time to dust off my Suzy Sunshine persona and make some adjustments to it before I put it back on at work.

T appointment yesterday with Dr. K.


We actually made it through all of my topics. I'm frustrated he didn't take the SH more seriously. Because I was very serious about it. But I can sort of understand that since it has been almost 18 months he is lulled into a false security about it. But not me.


He listened to me whine about my sister, and whine about my Mom being sick, and he didn't seem to get the gravity of the anxiety I have about the trip this week/weekend. Driving by myself. Staying in a hotel by myself. Etc. Etc. The "by myself" part. He was like I'm sure you have Google Maps. You'll be fine. I didn't need a pep talk. I needed someone to listen to me worry and validate that it is a scary experience that I am doing but hopefully one of growth. He agreed with me that things are weird right now. Not that it made me feel any better. He told me I need a hobby. I tried to tell him I have zero motivation. He told me I just need to find what I am passionate about. I told him what I am passionate about. He said I needed another hobby because that one didn't take up enough time.


I was left feeling.....irritated. He said I am coping good, which I suppose I am compared to how I was a year and a half ago. But he didn't get how close I was to SH at all. How close I still am. He's just like, keep not doing it. You'll be fine. Dismissive. I felt hurt by his lack of understanding. Perhaps I didn't explain it well enough. My parents were home and my Mom was listening I'm sure because I was in the dining room and she was in the kitchen. So I couldn't go in depth about some things. Usually I ask my parents to leave when I have the call but with my Mom not feeling well, I didn't.


I was explaining feeling empty. And numb. He said I needed to find my passion. He was sort of stuck on that. I think it's a side effect of the medication. Blunted affect and all that. I felt rather dissociated because I knew he wasn't getting it. He said I needed to write a religious book or something. I can barely manage a journal page much less a book.


I have Kayla tonight my case manager. Even though I'm not feeling well I feel self sabataging and that I should tell her that I am ready to discharge. I don't think she is helping me anyway.


I talked to my support people. Two got back to me. One didn't. One was basically like, you've got this. No. No. No. I don't have this. That's the point! I'm scared I'm in trouble here. The other one wasn't terribly helpful either. I know that she was trying to be helpful but it just fell flat. She's like you've resisted so many times before. I know. But this is different. It's consuming my mind.


I was left feeling like no one cares. I know this is a feeling that is probably lying to me. Two people got back to me on text. If they didn't care they wouldn't have bothered. Dr K probably doesn't care. He's paid to listen and give weird advice. He's not paid to care.


I'm a bit scared that I feel self sabataging because I know how I get when I'm like this. I get to the point where I don't care and that's a problem. Because then I can hurt myself very badly. And I so don't want to go to the hospital again. Ugh. So I am trying to hold onto that as a possible consequence.


He's thrilled that the hallucinations are less. I don't think I've been delusional but how can one really know? The stupid medications that make me a zombie have at least taken away the voices. But I'm left a robot zombie. I feel disillusioned. And I'm actively struggling against myself today. But I'm afraid to wear out my support people. They don't care anyway.

I think you deserve a much better T kit. He sounds clueless. I get how hard not self harming can be and I've also been a year without it too. I think unless your support contacts have also had mental health issues they won't get it not that they don't care. Are there any crisis lines you can call or email?

I hope you can be honest with Kayla and tell her you need more support right now. I know you said you don't want to go to hospital but if it helps keep you safe maybe it would be something to consider?

Oof, my attending today is super nice but has all these meetings she has to go to and is super stressed/pressed for time so she’s rushing me too. It’s my third day working at this hospital, I don’t know where anything is or how anything works. I wish she’d cool it a little.

Thanks Lemoncake

I think there's an SH text line I can text. I've done it once before. It wasn't terribly helpful but you never know, maybe it will be this time. I just don't know what else Kayla can do for me. She coordinates care. I see a pdoc. I see a T. I see my regular doctor. I don't know if I need IOP or IP or if I can just suck it up and get through it. I really don't want to go IP but last night I was thinking it might be necessary. I was hoping things would look less bleak in the light of day. I'm trying to hold it all together. I feel like I am falling apart. Since T said I needed a hobby I ordered a couple of cat puzzles online. At least I can say that I am doing something when he asks next time. My next appointment is in three weeks so not so far away. Thinking about texting my support people again. I'm supposed to go to my sister's on Thursday. I have the hotel booked and the ticket to the aquarium bought and the cards and gifts ready for my niece. This is not a good time to go IP. I have to just hold it together. I'll see what Kayla says today. If she says go to the hospital, I will.

Can you bribe a few nurses to show you around?

It’s a good idea and I wish I could, but this is a huge 600 bed hospital so even if a nurse were to show me one particular building or unit, there would be a ton more out there!

I’ll figure it out eventually; I just have a terrible sense of direction

If you're feeling the way you do right now you need an appointment sooner then one that's three weeks away. You need as much therapy as you need to get you feeling more stable. Perhaps instead of thinking about what you're supposed to do, what do you think would help you more? Would the break help distract you? Your health is more important then then cost of the hotel room + anything else. Can you tell your dad how you're really doing?