Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

if i don’t sleep for at least a few hours before i see you, i might be a hot mess. at least i’m on “staycation,” so the sleep bit matters less. it makes for a REALLY long day, T. And you know I can barely handle evenings after work.

Dear T,
And also wishing I was seeing you today so that I could talk to you about something else that happened yesteray. But I talked about it with a friend and with H, so I'm OK, and we can just talk about it tomorrow (hope you'll be feeling well enough for a session!).
Love,
LT

From the BACP Ethical Framework - Good Practice:

41. Any unplanned breaks due to illness or other causes will be managed in ways to minimise inconveniencing clients and, for extended breaks, may include offering to put clients in touch with other practitioners.

42. In the event of death or illness of sufficient severity to prevent the practitioner communicating directly with clients, we will have appointed someone to communicate with clients and support them in making alternative arrangements where this is desired. The person undertaking this work will be bound by the confidentiality agreed between the practitioner and client, and will usually be a trusted colleague, a specially appointed trustee or a supervisor.

I am so angry T. You offered me nothing. You left me blindfolded and told me to wait for an indefinite amount of time.

I am still waiting.

Get back to work, you lazy shithead.

I think I know what you’re going to say on Saturday when I show you what I’ve been looking at. I’m not pinning my hopes on anything, either way, but I am going to be amused if you do say what I think you will. I also think you’re going to admonish me in a lighthearted way, tell me to be patient and focus on something else in the meantime.

hey t-you have such a weird ability to guess things correctly. i still feel kind of bad about what i disclosed, but it was a direct answer to a question, and apparently i can’t outright lie. i secretly agree that it will help me.

see ya next week.

I have a lot to talk about with you on Monday. I don’t want to email you this week. You probably won’t say much about my surgery since you don’t really understand that stuff. But I told you I was worried about my teeth because of my oral coping skills. The dentist told me I’m clenching my teeth due to stress. But I wonder if you are going to say I’m clenching my teeth as a result of these things I use. But I only use them at night. I clench my teeth all the time.

But we will have an interesting discussion on Monday that’s for sure. Maybe you’ll be happy and satisfied with the candy ones I got yesterday.

also, lol at the clapping. you are kind of hilarious.

I hate you and I hate therapy. What a load of bollocks. Empty sentiments and counterfeit connections. Where are you? What kind of fraudulent love have you created? I need you and I can't contact you. I literally don't know where you are. This is perverse. What shame you should feel for tricking me.

Dear T,
Your response means a lot, thanks. You could have just said, "Yes, I'll be there tomorrow," but you added the extra stuff. And glad you're feeling better, too, of course.
Love,
LT

I wish I knew what you were thinking at the end of session today. I am trying not to be judgmental and think the worst. I guess I can't really blame you though. I was kind of psychotic today. Maybe you just had something else you gad to get too.

I registered for that workshop today. Looking forward to it.

Where are you
Where are you
Where are you
Where are you
Where are you
Where are you
WHERE ARE YOU

Eating my feelings
No answers in the cupboard
Fighting waves of pain.

I'm having an awful time and I swore I wouldn't disturb you while you are on vacation.

I only saw you a few days ago and had text contact with you yesterday yet I miss you so much it hurts.

Thinking about you right now and wishing I'd said forget the stupid break when we talked on the phone the other day, so I could be sitting across from you right now talking. But I'll get over it.

Thanks for the session today. It was really encouraging - especially for a teletherapy session.

Dear T,
I appreciate a lot of stuff from session today. One thing that stands out is how you said, "Something I've tried to do in our relationship is..." while gesturing back and forth to me and you on Zoom. And not "Something I've tried to do in your therapy" or "what I've tried to do in this therapeutic relationship," but "our relationship." Because this is ultimately a relationship, even if it's by its nature professional rather than personal.

And I'm glad you think I'm doing better in the relationship with what you talked about. Because I think I am, too. I'd say you are as well, but you have been from the beginning, really. It's more in how you handle my being honest with you, which I think has evolved considerably.

Hope you continue to feel better.
Love,
LT

T, I am 96% sure I saw you out tonight. IT WAS SO WEIRD. I hope you didn't see me, especially since I was in the same outfit as yesterday. Oops.

I was surprised by how you reacted to that one question, today. I think you were taken aback and got emotional for a second, but tried to hide it. I do care about your feelings, too, so avoided asking your opinion last week because of our other meeting. It almost certainly would have been a little too much, then. Otherwise, you reacted to the other stuff more or less how I thought you might.
I forgot to lend you my silly DVD, maybe next week!

A publication announcement and another published piece in the space of two days. Trying to keep hold of the joy that brings - that's my 'writing career' after all. The published piece is my latest effort towards trying to tell one of the greatest stories I have ever had the privilege of being part of. You know every detail, otherwise I would send it.

Thanks for replying to that email an hour ago. I sent it yesterday at 4:15 and I figured if you didn’t reply before 5 you wouldn’t reply at all. But I wasn’t bothered by it since it’s the weekend and it wasn’t a crisis email or anything. I honestly don’t even really care if you reply to any of my emails. Like with transference T I’d be nonstop checking my email to see if she had responded and wondering why she hadn’t yet. With you and emails I’m just like “meh”

I just wanted to tell you what I wanted to discuss at our session on Monday so I wouldn’t forget. Because after the incident yesterday morning I now have a ton to talk about and I don’t want to forget any of it.

But I appreciate you responding on your day off.

I told you one of the things I wanted to discuss with you on Monday was my dentist appointment I had on Thursday. I bet you’ll really put your 2 cents into that one. Although you may not be wrong with what you will say.

Dear Old T,

I would so love to hear from you right about now. I am getting to the point where I would really really like to find the right person and space to move forward with everything. While the temp T I am seeing is ok, I'm not convinced that she is the right person for me long term, and the space definitely isn't right. Already I feel squished in and trapped, and we haven't even got to any of the work yet.

I was due to be seeing another lady on Tuesday, but when I emailed to confirm I told her that I was seeing someone to help me with through things with Ex T, but that I was still looking for someone long term, sh said she couldn't ethically offer me counselling while I was already seeing someone, so was going to 'close our counselling'. I'd only seen her once, I wouldn't call us having counselling already!!!

Wow. Sometimes I do think these ethics are screwed up. Did she want me to lie to her? Not a great basis for therapy. Or did she want me to not have got support in the three weeks she was unable to see me for? Or did she want me to just ditch someone that was actually kind of helping me work through things in one area? I don't know. I look at it as fate... Obviously not meant to be, but I could really use something concrete right about now.

I'm drawing a picture at the moment. It's a skeleton being tangled and overcome by an octopus deep underwater.

That's how I feel right now.

You are such a twat.