Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

Now I’m getting paranoid I got the place wrong where we’re going to meet tomorrow. I’m sure I haven’t, but I’m already kind of jittery about it and hope I don’t have too much trouble driving there.
If I’m right about there being a cafe on site, I really hope they have my favourite kind of cake - a nice, thick wedge of Victoria sponge would go down nicely. Actually any cake would do, aside from fruitcake…

I despise the fact that you think my ED is "cured" because you told me to eat three times a day/eat yogurt and I told you--four days after you wanted me inpatient for this issue might I remind you--that two of those days while being heavily monitored by my mom I ate more and didn't make myself sick. You should note that two hours after our quick discussion I purged, too. I'm noticing you think all of my problems that can't be solved with one sentence responses can be solved with a med adjustment. Nothing really needs to be worked on (Drug addict? "Just don't go to the place you get drugs." OK, so now when I'm not feeling great I'll cut. "Just use your coping skills." OK, the cutting stopped and I'm regularly going on walks and listening to music, but now I'm in a restrict/binge/purge cycle. "Eat yogurt!"....)
I think instead of showing up to therapy next week, I'm going to go to the IOP I went to as a teen and ask them if they'll temporarily do therapy with a 25 year old.

I can't help but question how much experience you have working with trauma survivors. Your profile said you have a special interest in this area, but actually, looking again, nowhere does it say you have any experience.

I wonder though. Is this an area where paper qualifications really matter? Or is it more important that you "click"?

I hope you were able to go home after we met today, and get changed. I didn’t realise how wet our shoes and trouser hems would get traipsing through the grass. Also wondering if I’ve come to a point where I either don’t care any more or I’ve satisfied enough of my curiosity for this ‘side journey’ to not feel so important any more, or I’m going to have a delayed reaction to everything. I’m hoping you reply to my email tomorrow. I was going to text but it was teatime and I didn’t want to bother you then.
I’m glad I didn’t mention the cafe - it turned out to be a figment of my imagination, either that or they were still building it lol.

I wonder though. Is this an area where paper qualifications really matter? Or is it more important that you "click"?

It isn't so much paper qualifications as experience that is bothering me. How much experience does she have working with people who have experienced trauma and are still living with the effects of it in the here and now. From first glance it would seem not much... I know it's early days but from what I have seen I'm not convinced she has the skills to handle my damaged parts, and so far, we have done the opposite of click.

I don't know what to think. I appreciate your reassurance that you are "not going anywhere", but after Christmas feels far away. It's probably better if I don't think, but you know what I'm like. I just need to know that we will be in the same room again at some point.


I would rather sooner than later, but the ball was in your court until you chucked it over the fence.

I feel like you gave up on me months ago. So I'm ending therapy, forever.

Dear T: I woke up from this awful dream. I feel like the weight of the world is upon my chest and I don’t want to get up. Ever. Why bother?

TW (i can not figure out how to put it behind a spoiler)






In my dream I was in grad school, and was studying black history, except it was extremely white washed. I went “underground” so to speak and found out about horror after horror, just crying my eyes out. I woke up so effing depressed.

Coming back to this song again, after a day of recalling moments of compassion.

Her Mercy - Glen Hansard

'It will come when you're broken
When your heart is finally open
When you're lost among the rubble...'

I don't know how to explain what I feel is missing between us at the moment, because short of a miracle, that's not coming back any time soon.

I've much to share on Friday... feeling pretty silly atm about some things. Oh, well. As always, I appreciate your putting up with me.

Hey again. I was just reminded of T2 back in the mid 1980's... gosh, I was so terribly closed-up and shy at the time I could never really talk to her. Absolutely could not let my guard down for even a second. I don't know what her modality was, but looking back, I realize that building therapeutic relationships was clearly not in her wheelhouse. I had no clue until I started seeing you, that there even was such a thing as a "therapeutic relationship" let alone how important it was going to be for me. I appreciate you so much!

Dear 'New' T,

I am sorry I can't answer your questions about suicidal ideation and psychiatric history and substance abuse. Won't answer your questions. Sorry but not sorry. Not sorry because like I said, I will not allow myself to feel forced into something, and I'm clearly not ready to talk to you or even write to you about that stuff either. Those words just roll of your tongue, as if you have no idea what the thoughts might bring up for me.

Neither will I allow myself to feel pressured to staying somewhere where I don't feel comfortable, so I won't be contracting in to anything.

I hope that's ok with you. That should be ok with you, surely. Surely you can see why neither of those things are things I should be feeling/experiencing.

I hope you can understand a little more when I show you my picture of a lion guarding the gate into the blackness. Not even I am allowed in there sometimes, you know.

See you tomorrow, and hopefully we can find a way to work together to see if this will work. I'm still very unsure.

I made some notes for Thursday. I think I am probably going to email them to you, so that you have a copy for when we speak. Not really sure what the conversation will entail beyond that.

Sometimes I think that I am okey. That I’m okey with you being my T and not my mother. But yesterday I saw a woman who looked a lot like you, with two daughters just like you have. I know it wasn’t you but it still hurt so much. I can’t imagine telling you because I’m afraid you’ll resent me. You really don’t want my therapy to be about you, I get that. But my longing for a mother is so painful. I don’t believe it’ll ever go away.

its nice to hear u say that i have come a very long way from where i was, even if im crying to u on the phone and feeling low

I missed transference T a lot today. I ate the candy bar and 2 mugs of the tea that reminds me of her. I don’t get it really. I meet with my new therapist Tomorrow. I’m not sure what to expect. Her bio looks good. And she looks ok physically. Yeah ok, I’ll admit I have a type when it comes to therapists.

I’m still on the waiting list for that other one I’ve been waiting for for 3 months. So I guess that’s my plan B. But I’m tired of all this therapy hopping that has and hasn’t been my fault. My last therapist it was totally on her. I don’t usually have trouble with therapists. I stayed with one for 4 years who I should have left after 6 months. I stayed with one for about 3 years. Then my transference one was close to 2 years. It’s just been since I’ve moved that I have had problems finding one. The medical side of things has been outstanding.

I guess maybe I’m just more nervous about the new one then I think I am.

Dear T, I do understand why you now need to retire through ill health. I feel grateful that you lasted this long and that I've had the time I did with you. I wish I could have worked through the trauma stuff with you first though, but my fault, I left it too late. I can't imagine going through all the preliminary stages again with someone new. You are a tough act to follow. I will miss you.

Sent from my TA-1012 using Tapatalk

Well that was better!?! It's like we were two different people.

I am deceased at what happened this morning. I was in PHP where the conversation of EMDR came up. One of the other clients started talking about how his therapist described it, and I thought, “wow, this really sounds like the way that L describes the process.” I decided to ask who this guy’s therapist was, and imagine my surprise when he said that you were his therapist too. What a small world! I’m excited for him just starting with you because you’re a pretty alright guy

Hey, you have been promoted from Disastrous T back to Potential New T - Congratulations!

Dear T,
What was up with the preppy look today? And did you dye your beard again? You shouldn't--the bit of gray is a good look on you.

It felt like you were a bit...detached today or something. Clinical. And tired, with the yawning (which, honestly, is part of why I prefer sessions earlier in the day). I'm not sure I agree with some of what you said, either. Also that you seem to keep classifying everything under "anxiety" when depression is a recurring issue for me as well (in fact, I think that's what you use as my diagnostic code). Though maybe the specific cause isn't so important, just the potential ways to work through it.

Love,
LT

You said something interesting today when I said that I should technically have PTSD but I don’t. You said that you can have trauma and not have PTSD. I never knew that. Or thought about it.

I also like that you gave me my own time slot each week instead of scheduling different days and times for each session and said “that is your time slot.”

Dear Potential New T,

You threw that word in there today. Reparenting. What does that word mean to you, I wonder. A question for you for the next time I see you maybe?

Dear Ex T,

I miss you an awful lot, and I hope you are ok. I hope that thing that I found out about is good news for you, and I hope that it helps lift your family up.

Dear Temp T,

I may end up cancelling that three week session after all. I needed to know it was there incase this went terribly, but I am a little more hopeful today, and thinking maybe I won't need it, in which case I would see you in six weeks instead, to say goodbye... maybe.

Dear Old T,

Starting to wonder whether you did get it right after all. I do hope so.

I’m trying a new kind of tea that I can hopefully associate with you and get that other tea out of my system. Although I did drink that tea today. So maybe I’ll just hopefully associate that tea with therapy in general and not just with transference T.

I don’t think I’ll become attracted to you. You had your mask on for one thing. So I couldn’t see your face. I don’t know what was up with why I was so attracted to my transference T. I think it was her eyes and the way she’d look at me. I’d try to get my last T to look at me like that but every time I tried she looked away.

I told you I looked my last T up on Facebook. You laughed and said “why would you look your therapist up on Facebook?” It was funny but now you are probably going to go and block me as well.