Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

Dear T,
Safe travels home today. And talk to you tomorrow morning.

Love,
LT

Goldangit anyway L, I'm still ruminating. I can't let it go. Something's off here and I don't like it one bit.

I'll probably break down and call or email. I don't want to though. I am stubborn as you know and I want to work through this without your help.

I just wrote you an email and saved it to my drafts. I cannot allow myself to send it. I will not allow myself to send it. And I am going to fight like hell to not call you too. I can look at the facts and sit with this and be fine. Why do I care so damn much about this??!

Ah L. Once again, reminding myself that I am a slow cooker. Writing that email helped and I just deleted it. I am beginning to accept that it's just my overactive imagination seeing stuff that isn't there. All will be well and I will call you in a month or 2. I am going to use this break to reassess where we're at, where I want to go from here with this work, and how often I want to come in the future so I will be able to tell you exactly what I am wanting when next we meet.

I’m getting more mint Aero bars on Wednesday since they remind me of my transference T. I haven’t been thinking of her much though. I haven’t been thinking much about therapy all day. It’s like my current T doesn’t even exist. I have zero regrets cancelling my appointment with her on Thursday But I still like the nostalgia of those candy bars that I associate with my transference T. I don’t know why I do it. Same with the blue fruit tea. I don’t get why I drink it to remind myself of her. Maybe I don’t want to forget her or get over her.

I also plan on going to the other few stores I went to a lot before I moved. A lot of stuff I want to get because it reminds me of her.

What is my issue? Why am I associating certain foods and places with her? She didn’t even know that I ate this stuff or went to these places all the time.

Maybe my whole trip tomorrow is one big trip down nostalgia lane for a whole bunch of reasons. But she seems like a big part of it.

L do you know what? I actually started understanding something while I was out walking a little bit ago. Why you told me certain things. They were hints, weren't they?!


I gotta tell you though I'd prefer you not hint - just freakin' straight out tell me what you're thinking. As in, "I was thinking we could talk about X - what do you think?" Instead of just sort-of mentioning things. I am not good at picking up on hints in the moment apparently.

Dear T,
Well, I officially made it the whole week without emailing you. As it would be completely pointless for me to email you now, because our session is 10 am tomorrow, and I think you're traveling now. I missed you, and there were times when I really wished I could talk to you for a bit. But it was like I kinda *wanted* to talk to you, not *needed* to talk to you. I think that's progress?

Love,
LT

This is a hell of a situation, R. I'm used to grief being more chronic, whereas this is early, acute grief all over again. I feel weird about seeking more support, but you also feel very far away right now...and I'm struggling.

Trying to remind myself that you would not ask me what I needed if you didn't want to know the answer.

Hey L. Things are happening inside me, that wouldn't have if not for this break-that-i-never-meant-to-be-as-long-as-you-said. It's giving you a break from me, and giving me a chance to really reflect on what it is I want from therapy if anything going forward. A win-win, no? Love you,
me

You say I can email if I need to, but I feel like I’m doing it too much, even though everything I email you about is pertinent and therapy related. You haven’t complained, either. I’ve just felt like I needed someone to lean on lately, but I’m concerned that I’m too “heavy” and should have resolved some of my issues by now.
It’s kind of frustrating knowing the root cause of my main problem also contains a cure, a bit like using snake venom to create antidotes to snake venom.

Dear T,
Please be OK. If you have Covid, please let it be mild (even though I know a "mild" case could mean your missing work for a bit). I really hope it's just a cold or something, because those still exist.
Love you,
LT

50% of the way through the break and I am vitriolic. I am my mother's daughter. Are you embarrassed by taking money from sexually abused women in order that we can buy your attention for an hour a week? It's grubby money, luv, no matter how you dress it up.

Hey L, thanks for talking with me earlier. You relieved my concerns. I'm glad you answered, but what I didn't tell you, is that I had a whole script ready to read in case I got your voicemail. I'll text you when I'm ready to come back, promise.

Dear T,
I'm relieved you had a negative antigen test, but will feel better if the PCR is negative, too, just because that's known to be most accurate. I hope you get lots of rest tonight and feel better tomorrow.

You seemed rather vulnerable today, like I know you were joking at times, but it seemed that there was an undercurrent of fear there. The number of times you said, "If I die..." There wasn't an "Oh, don't worry about me, I'm sure I'll be fine, even if I have it."

And I appreciate your acceptance and, well, appreciation of my caring about you, like when I kind of broke down at the end of session. Also it means a lot that you remembered to text me about the results without my following up.

Wish I was talking to you again before Friday, but better than waiting another 7 days. Though...hope you'll be feeling well enough by then for a session.
Love you,
LT

I’m in my home state where transference T is. I’ve thought off and on about her. I think we passed by her office but I don’t remember. I’m still on autopilot when I’m in my home state. I bought a lot of candy though that reminds me of her. And I went to several places that I’d go to a lot when we were meeting.

So I wonder if I’m trying to subconsciously remember her in other ways. But still try to forget her as well.

I’ve been wanting to email my current T about my dental issues. But I don’t think I’d get much support from her. And if I were to email her it would probably be best to email her after the 2 appointments

I’m glad I’m not seeing you on Thursday. Besides thinking you’ll be unhelpful, today I set up a dentist appointment today because my teeth have gone to hell since Covid started. So this is way more important anyways.

Hey E. I wish you weren't off this week, as seeing last week was such a big session. Just bad timing, I know. I still can't stop thinking about what you said and how much it makes me feel better about things. A little, anyway.

Hi T! See you tomorrow

You are not here.

Ugh, T. I know, my schedule is wide open this week, but i had a set plan around therapy for today. Now what am I going to do?!

See you tomorrow, and really hope nothing changes. Please.

I think that more structure might be a good idea.

For lunch today I ate at the last restaurant I went to before the lockdown. It was after a therapy session in March when I was hiding out from my transference T because we had just had a talk about safety. My mom even called her from the restaurant to tell her I was ok. That was my first place I went back to when I was comfortable eating out again in 2021. I felt like I had an agenda. I decided to go there again for lunch and I saw the place where we sat. But after that I honestly was just super hungry and I just focused on my food and didn’t think of her at at all. But then on the way back home I listened to the 3 songs that remind me of her. But I’m ok now.

Dear T,
Wish I was seeing you tomorrow instead of Friday due to the news we just got from D's school. In different circumstances, I'd have contacted you about it, but I already reached out this morning regarding your health. And it's just a few cases that they say pose no threat to students in school right now, so maybe they got tested over the weekend. Now, if we end up hearing something from the health department that D has potentially been exposed/has to quarantine? OK, then I'm contacting you! But for right now, no.
Love,
LT
PS--Hope you're feeling better. And I really do appreciate your updating me on the other test. And being understanding and accepting of my caring.

I got this weird flutter in my stomach when I was thinking of my current T. I don’t know. But it legit felt like I was about to flood my basement. Like literally. I haven’t gotten that feeling in a few years. This is a fine time to start having a crush on her. When I’m about to be transferred. But honestly I feel like I’m going through menopause or something so my hormones may be out of whack.

I wish I could talk to you properly. Do you want to talk to me? I don't feel ready to leave or bring my baby yet though. He is beautiful.

I hate to say it but I'm struggling with the birth experience I had. I can forget for a bit but then the pain or memory comes back and I don't know what to do with it. Perinatal mental health have been in touch with me but they don't seem bothered, I can't talk openly to them.

I tried asking M for details of what happened, but I think he was too tired to take anything in by that point. It's like he was at a different birth.