Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

I bought a book on my kindle this morning about the antidote to the karpman triangle. I've been doing a lot of thinking about that since you mentioned it again on the phone earlier this week. I plan to have this book read and thought about before we meet again.

I think my food paranoia has turned into a full blown eating disorder. I don't know how to tell you this, even though I told you when I was binging and purging. I'm sure the hospital told you how much weight I've lost in the past couple months. I don't know what to do, so if you could give me some more guidance than "set an alarm every now and then to havae a snack" that'd be great.

I haven’t seen you in 2 weeks. I only emailed you twice. Once to cancel my appointment last Thursday and once to tell you what I want to talk about tomorrow. I think the 2 weeks off from you was good for me. I honestly don’t know how I’ll feel when we end things. Whenever that will be.

I will not be wasted on Valium though like I usually am when we meet. So we will actually have a legit session. I wonder if you’ll notice the difference.

I think visiting my home state earlier this week really helped with my feelings about my transference T.

Ha, of course you saw what I was doing didn't you. I mean with regards to that triangle. Navajo rabbit. This is why I still need you. To point out the obvious when I am refusing to see it.

Hey T. I am worried about Jack. He seems extra fragile lately. I am so nervous when I have to get him weighed in November I can't lose my baby. (not a real one, my cat)

Furbabies are real babies.

Thanks CE! I hope I am just being paranoid. He is 13, so up there in age. I also can’t stop thinking about my vet telling me that with cats it is usually they are totally fine until they are not-and it usually isn’t a good result. 😢

I hope Jack is OK, Velcro.

I hope Jack is ok, too. I feel worrying about pets is worse than people sometimes, because they can’t tell you exactly what’s wrong, even when they want to.
Dear T, I was thinking today about the progress I’ve made since we started working together. I might not have a new job that suits me more, or a place of my own (yet!), but I’m feeling so much better than I was this time last year. I’m less anxious in general and more hopeful about certain things. I’m glad I pushed through the times I secretly wanted to stop, like I did with other Ts. If my life were made into a movie I’d want to end on a shot of us panning out wider to a beautiful sunset, with “I can see clearly now the rain has gone” playing in the background. Then cut to I’m Not OK by My Chemical Romance for the credits!
In short, thank you!

I feel like you are one of those mental health professionals that was first an asshole staff in a psych hospital and moved up and is now a kinda asshole therapist. I don’t really know what my options are though since you do in person sessions and the other therapists doesn’t and her waiting list isn’t moving.

I hope Jack is okay too Velcro.

This book is really good. I'm taking notes as I'm reading and I'm looking forward to discussing it with you. eta: pretty sure I'll be calling early next week to schedule for 9/24. I've figured some things out, I have, about what I want from this going forward.

Dear T,
Felt really connected in session today. I was thinking about how maybe this relationship has been healing to me, at least since the pandemic started, when you seemed to shift in how you were toward me (and maybe toward all clients, but that doesn't matter). And how maybe that's another aspect of why I'm unsure about potentially switching to twice a week? Even though I know it's completely up to me. I keep feeling like I need to be seeing you 3x a week for the "right" reasons. But what are those reasons exactly? And reasons in whose opinion? I think that if you and I agree they're valid reasons, that's what counts.

I feel some of what we discussed today was important work. Yes, it's in relation to what happened last week, but as we talked about today, it also touches on issues that have affected me throughout my life. And like I said (or maybe you said it, and I agreed), I don't want to take the wrong lessons from what happened.

As I also touched on, I want to be managing better in certain ways before I go to twice a week. I did manage OK (in some senses) doing twice a week the past 2 weeks when you were away for a bit (plus I didn't contact you while you were away), but that was partly with the knowledge that it was temporary. But I want to be better with self-care, exercise, eating, drinking, other forms of self-care, etc. I know that's on me to do. And I feel like I'm more ready for those things. But you also have talked about adding (positive) things in before taking things away. And I think that could apply to sessions as well.

All stuff to talk about Wednesday. And you can tell me what you think as well. Maybe it would help to set some concrete goals/deadlines? Not so much for decreasing sessions, but for other stuff, and then I can be accountable to you (as well as to myself)? We've discussed that before, but never officially put anything in place. So perhaps we could try?

Love,
LT

LT, I hope you don't mind the reply. I just wanted to say that I firmly believe in what you said in your post about adding things in before taking things away. It's something that I am struggling with at the moment myself. HUGS Kit

Dear T J,


Now I don't know what you meant. I thought you meant to give up my self harm implement only if I was in imminent danger of harming myself. But now I am wondering if you meant to give it up anyways. I guess it doesn't matter as I have NO motivation whatsoever to actually follow through on that. I just hope there's not a consequence when I talk to you on Friday.

Kit

Please call me back tonight. Please schedule me a session soon. Please allow me to talk about sensitive subjects during that session without giving me non-answers and changing the subject. If I'm too "complex" for you or make you uncomfortable, just say so and hand me off to someone better than yourself.

Edit: you know what, f**k you. It's 5:11pm and the office is closed so I'm not expecting a call back tonight. I called you at 9freaking AM and you can't even call a recently hospitalized client back to schedule an appointment? I am hurting and no one seems to realize it.

Thanks Kit, and I'm good with a reply. Sorry you're also struggling with it. Hugs back.

Dear IOP T--you stress me out! Kit

Thanks everyone. I hope I am just being paranoid. I have to wait until November to get his weight checked again😥

Is it possible for you to weigh him? I imagine they have a pet scale there with more specific weight. But even if you have a regular scale, you stand on it, then stand on it holding Jack and subtract your weight, that could give you some idea? If we're talking just grams or ounces of weight difference, that wouldn't be exact enough though. (I've used a kitchen scale to weigh my guinea pigs, but I imagine a cat would be too big for that!)

We've tried all these things, but it's just not possible to weigh a cat!

I weigh diabetic cat like LT said (using my scale and standing on it holding him, then not and doing the math). It's been pretty accurate so far when I've checked it against what the vet's scale says.

sorry for the nudes, hope your eyes are ok

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I don't own a scale, and for personal reasons can not get one, so I have to go to the vet's office.

I'm looking at a fisherman's spring scale.