Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

Please help me figure this out because if I'm not on them I'll end up in the hospital, jail, or dead.

Dear Ex T, I hope you can see my email for what it was meant to be. Honest and real yet respectful and as considerate as I can be without understanding. If I believed in a God I would be praying to him now that there still is a 'we' in some sense, and that our mantra still stands... Together we will find a way. I love you and I miss you and I just wish I could make some sense of all of this.

I have this sinking feeling that I have taken a huge mis step by describing my feelings so openly. I think you will feel threatened. I feel threatened. Many of the words I used are your words, in fact some of the most intimate phrases are exactly what you have said to me. And yet, when I repeat them back to you, you become frightened. I am frightened. Why is it so much easier for us to work with my hostile side than my loving (such as it is) side?

did you like my goofy little poetic request for a session this friday? heehee

eta: "Sunny"? Okay. I suppose I am at that.

You are back, but I haven't seen you yet so you aren't really back. I have missed you.

I cancelled our last session and we've not had any contact for 3 weeks now.
I don't really miss the sessions because of how difficult I was finding them, but I do miss speaking with you. Is that a good enough reason to get in touch with you again?
The longer I leave it, the harder it becomes. It's easier to just stay quiet, pretend everything is ok, pretend I don't need or want your support. Apart from H, you were the only person I spoke to all week, now it's just H.
I know you had my best interests at heart, but being told I'm in a coercive and controlling relationship is hard for me to hear. I can only deal with it by not dealing with it, if that makes sense.

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I don't want to talk to you tomorrow. You get worried to fast but maybe that's your strength. I don't want to bother anyone.

Great job today T--J. You did give me a lot to process but I have my goal more clearly defined now for IOP and I have my short term goal really defined for me by you. I think you did make it better. Wish I could hug you. Kit

You will be glad to hear that taking calls all day today successfully brought me back to earth after the fantastic experience I had this past weekend. I'm still looking forward to sharing with you about the workshop though!!

Oh wow. Just wow. I go back to my earlier statement of "what the hell am I supposed to do here". How can I manage both sides of the coin at once. How can I accept, understand and care so deeply for you whilst also staying true to my own survival instinct. Please can someone just tell me how the hell am I supposed to hold both of these things at the same time!?!?! I can only imagine this is why some people are people pleasing pushovers and some are angry narcissists, because being both at the same time is seemingly impossible.

Cruel old crow.

My question remains. What on earth are you waiting for?
I won't ask, but I would like to know.

This virtual work is doing my head in, almost as much as the stuff I am trying to deal with alone.

Dear IOP Group T S--thank you for having me stay late yesterday to process why I was feeling so much the need to SH. I could tell you were being empathetic by you asking me to stay late and then going over my coping skills. Thank you. Kit

I think I said goodbye to you in my heart this afternoon. Now I just need to figure out what to do with these feelings, as clearly they cannot be worked through with you. Take care of yourself T, I care more deeply for you than I think you will ever be able to comprehend.

I got to thinking this afternoon about how much I've changed since my depression back in 2008 (or wait was it 2009? I can't even remember anymore) - and especially since I started seeing you in 2011. I'm really not sure I'd even recognize 2009 me anymore if I passed her on the street today, that's how much I've changed. I re-read the dark poems I wrote back then and it shocks me that I wrote them! Thank you, L, most sincerely, from my heart for slowly but surely, and ever so patiently, helping me get to where I am now. I will hold you in a special place in my heart forever.

Dear T,
It was a little weird that I was thinking about you, and you texted just then to switch our session time a half-hour earlier tomorrow. Not the first time that's happened, either!
Love,
LT

Can’t wait for next Thursday, when we talk to D again. I know there’s a good chance things won’t turn out how I’d like, but the anticipation of getting started is killing me.
Also, I hope you enjoyed the silly DVD. I only wish I still had the other two. You’d have loved the second one!

T,
Thank you for saying you care. I decided I can't do the grounding techniques. Don't worry I'll get passed it I always do.

Dear Potential T,

You have the kind of voice that could make me feel safe and supported I think, but I'm not sure I'm ready to talk to you yet. For now I'll just listen to the voicemail! I don't know how I feel about that... Maybe time for an art journal page, after I have finished this one about choosing love over anger. This could be an interesting dynamic I think, maybe a good thing. I feel like I am due a little bit of an upturn, but I certainly don't want to get my hopes up too much. This full moon has certainly stirred up a lot of change and movement.

Hey T. I think it is supposed to rain/storm all day tomorrow, so our plans to start this new therapy technique will have to be on hold another week. I can't tell if I am relieved or just want to get it over with?

E: I may not bring in anything on Fri. I don't have it in me to finish this.

T, I wondered how I'd feel if you got in touch. Partly relieved and partly anxious. Relieved, because it reinforces to me that you do care. Anxious, because it's easier to deal with things by not dealing with them, if that makes sense. In re-starting sessions, I'd be putting myself through the emotional wringer again and I'm not sure I'm ready to do that. It might have seemed as though I was running away when I cancelled our last session, perhaps I was. I wish more than anything I could see you face to face and spend some time with you. But the fallout is too difficult to deal with. I know that makes me a coward but it's me that has to deal with it.

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The usual outcome is that the patient's heart is broken, releasing years of hidden pain. I cried for a week.

Kind of mortified that I walked out of your house without shoes on yesterday, but apparently when I got in the van I thought it was absolutely hilarious. God I’m so confused. I keep wondering about suggesting longer sessions so when these parts come out there is more time for them to communicate and more potential for me to be able to ground or ideally switch back fully to ‘me’. But I want you to suggest it, of course! Why is it that you can’t read my mind?!?

It feels like we are finally getting to the heart of our trouble with each other.

Ugh, T. I hate last minute cancellations, though I do appreciate you coming in over the weekend to make up for it.