Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

Hey T- I am a bit suspicious that exposure therapy really IS a thing/will actually help.

Today's session sucked. That's partly my fault though, I forgot to take the thorazine and my invega didn't kick in in time so I was a bit distracted by thoughts and voices. But I wish you took the "I'm not even trying to eat" bit a little more seriously. I'll talk to you Monday (kinda find that you want to see me again so soon odd but ok).

Tomorrow I should finish this book, and then I will spend some time thinking and writing more about it. Saturday & Sunday mornings I'll be on that Zoom workshop. Do expect to hear from me on Monday to hopefully schedule for next Friday. I will be ready to talk again so will likely talk your ear off.

I’m pretty honest with you about my benzo problem. Mostly because you don’t know who my Pdoc is and your switching me to someone else. So I have no problem spilling my guts to you since I feel like you can’t do anything about the info I tell you. Plus I really really don’t feel like you care.

I'm too scared to contact you because it feels like you have forgotten about me already.

Thank you,

I'm glad it's worked out that we will have a session on Tuesday. I know I won't be the first client who's wanted a session on a heavy day. It's weird, because it is what I wanted, but wouldn't have asked for.


It will be helpful to 'let heated words hit the air' on that particular day.

Love,

Lost

Dear T,
Sorry to bug you on a Friday. But I really just can't seem to stop that thought spiral. I know it's mostly from childhood, not from you. And I think if it had come up in the beginning of the session, and we could have discussed it more, then it would have been different. But in the last 5 minutes, initiated by you, I just go to negative things.


I imagine you won't reply until tomorrow morning, and that's OK. Though I really don't need a long reply or anything. Just a "nope, not tired of dealing with you" will do. Maybe worded slightly better than that!

It doesn't help matters that they just announced another positive case at D's school either...
Love,
LT

I don’t really know how to explain what’s going on between us. Even though I know you believe in the opposite things I do and am a closet phobe I’m not sure it’s ok to bring these things up since you got so annoyed when I asked if you were vaccinated. I feel like we should talk though. I want to let you know things aren’t working out but I don’t know what my option is right now if I’ve been 5th on a waiting list for 1.5 months. I also think I may need a therapist in order to get my meds covered. It’s just confusing because I know what I want but I don’t know how to express it the correct way. Like I don’t want to accuse you of a bunch of things and have you think I’m attacking you or jumping down your throat.

I haven’t experienced this type of transphobia before in person so I am just clueless on how to handle this situation.

Dear IOP T--J, your asking me to see my SH wounds in session has left me feeling vulnerable and unprotected even though I chose to comply. I am a people pleaser. You wanted to see, I showed you. But I always feel like they aren't good enough (bad enough). Your clinical attitude didn't help either. I wish you could say something empathetic about it. Something like, "I'm sorry you were hurting so much," would have sufficed. I know you can't. It's like some therapist rule that you can't be human about it. You have to stay all clinical and in your head. I do appreciate the advice on how to take care of the wounds, not that I don't already know that, I just haven't done it. Hmmm, perhaps I am feeling not worthy of being taken care of. That could have been explored. Still you said I was "delightful" and that made me feel good. I do think you'll be a good T (she's an intern or in training or something). Just remember to get to know the person first before you make them have a contract. Remember that for your next person. I'm sure a lot depends on the agency you work for, but I think it would serve you and them! better if you did that. Still I connected with you which I didn't want to do considering this is short term. I've not rapport built this much this quick ever. I guess you'll be good at this kind of work. Too bad it was a Zoom appointment, and you are at your house, I kind of wanted to hug you. I didn't bring that up because what would be the point, but I sure did want to hug you at the end. Especially when you were concerned if you had been empathetic enough. You're a nice lady. HUGS, since I can say this here, Kit

You were in my dream last night, but I haven't made any sense of it yet. I guess in a roundabout way it makes sense, but that's maybe just looking at the obvious? I'll do a dream re-entry this afternoon maybe and see if I can continue it on a little longer.... maybe ask dream-you some questions....

I am a creative person, as you know, but even so...it is rarely a good idea for me to be inside my own head for too long. After 18 months, it's wearing thin.

Dear T,

This is all so seriously messed up. WTF am I supposed to do here. WTF am I supposed to do here. F*#£ you. F#£& all of it. It's all a waste of time anyway.

I’m wondering what the soft, luminous glowing light colour hair in my dreams may signify. The obvious, yet unsatisfactory answer would be something to do with angels - but even discarding the angel aspect, which seems unfitting either way, I can’t come up with a plausible dream-interpretation based link between you and my biological mother, especially since those dreams were so many years apart. If anything, I see you as somewhere between a mother and archetypal cool spinster aunt figure, rather than a metaphorical angel. As for my biological mother, I have mixed feelings, these days mostly pity and sadness.

Dear T,
At first, I felt like your reply this morning was too "therapist-y," like sort of detached, I guess? But then I imagined you saying the words in your voice, in how you would talk to me, and it felt different, better. I suppose this speaks (no pun intended) to the difference of communicating with people in person/on Zoom/even by phone vs. in writing when talking about relational issues. I did appreciate your "Enjoy your weekend!" at the end, as it suggested you OK about the email and with me. And also your saying there are many ways to deal with anxiety.


I think I know where much of this is coming from (a couple places, really--one from childhood, one very recent), and we can discuss more on Monday. Because it isn't just about you/our relationship. So I need to figure out how to not have it take hold in my brain.


Love,
LT

If only I wasn't drunk all the time, I might be able to think clearly and better articulate to you my frustrations and fears. As it is, I send a sober email; draft a drunk email which I will never send; attend a session with a hangover; project all my resentments and disgusts onto you. Rinse and repeat for five years and counting. Huh. Turns out I am the real coward around here.

The last time I waited for a therapist I waited a few months to get into see her and it was worth it. So I’m hoping if I continue to wait on this list it will also be worth it.

Hey L, I thoroughly enjoyed the first day of the workshop this morning, it was fantastic, I have already learned some new things. The 2nd exercise we did with our stone was my favorite part of today. It was so experiential (? not sure that's the right word) compared to the first one, that I had to draw a picture (er, well, try to anyway you know I'm no artist) of what I saw. Can't wait to tell you all about it!

Dear T,
Happy 4-year thera-versary!

Love,
LT

Sometimes areas of my workplace smell like your house. It’s comforting, but a little weird at the same time. Still, it helps a bit to get me through the day!

Hey L! The 2nd day of the workshop was just as awesome as the first! I'll check in with you tomorrow about scheduling for Friday.

I am grateful that we will speak on Tuesday. Feelings are better out than in, but I am so tired of holding so much until we can be in the same space. There's a lot I can't speak without breaking, and I would rather you were here.

It's only taken me a couple of months, but I think i figured out a lot of what I am feeling. Betrayal. I feel betrayed by you. I trusted you so much, a million times more than I have ever trusted anyone before. I trusted that no matter what happened you would do the right thing. Even if we had to stop working I trusted that you would do the right thing and because I don't feel like you have done the right thing I feel betrayed. You violated that trust. I just read that betrayal is probably the most devastating loss a person can experience. Yep.

Will you email me tomorrow with that “very likely” cancellation you’ll have?

Hey E: Friday's session really overwhelmed me. So much pain and darkness. Ugh. I relapsed tonight on the SH.

Hi T. I'm not sure I'm ready for Wednesday.

I quitted my meds and I'm going to cancel our next session. I'm sorry... if you even care lol