Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

Oh, and that I am grateful. So very very grateful for everything that you did for me and everything that you helped me to become. I love you.

I wish someone at work who didn’t have to ask would just turn to me and ask, “how are you doing with this ADA stuff, really?”

I know no one there wants to hear it anymore. Their little territorial fights and misunderstood comments are so much more interesting.

E, I'm already missing our appt tomorrow I am too scared to ask if you are off next week too. I should just expect it since it IS the day after Thanksgiving.

L,
How am I supposed to survive this weekend without you? And then the week and a half you're taking off for Thanksgiving? I'm barely surviving with you!

I could have predicted this...your usual cancelled session(s). Happens every 4th week. If you cancel Monday too I'm seriously thinking of finding a new therapist. Missing sessions is so disruptive.

I dreamed early this morning about doors, and received a pretty powerful message. I'll share it with you when we talk later today.


You were wrong, by the way. It could never not be a big deal. I think that's just your fantasy. But I love you anyway.

I am sorry you are sick, but SO happy to have 2 full weeks off of therapy. I know I am probably one of the few clients who is happy to miss a session, but EMDR is just so hard and it is really nice to take a break. Feel better soon.

Please be Professional T today and in control of yourself. I'm wearing my new fluorite pendant to help transmute any negative energy. I'm feeling very nervous indeed. Not because I'm second-guessing my decision, I'm not - it's because I'm pretty sure you're still upset with me, because I didn't get the usual thumbs-up emoji when I confirmed to your appt reminder text. That spoke volumes.

Thinking of you Artie.....

Ohz and by the way K, I always find it so sweet when you use emojis! Knowing how un tech savvy you are... Bless you x

Thank you so much for today. I am glad that you took the time to really understand why I want to stop, and that we spent the other half of the session talking about what I want/need out of termination and then that we actually set the date. 12/31/21. 6 more sessions to process what this relationship has meant to me and the loss of it. I so like the idea of waking up the morning of 1/1/22 and having a fresh start for the new year. I will make the little doors we talked about so that I can do a sand tray next week with this morning's dream about doors. Heck, I may even go to hobby lobby or something and see if I can buy 2 little dollhouse doors or something. Those would be perfect.

heehee that's how I felt the first time L texted a bitmoji after i confirmed a session time. it was soooo cute.

I'm missing you so much atm. I don't really know why except that I feel threatened by the new circumstances even though you keep saying nothing with us has changed. It FEELS as though it has though. I feel as though I've lost you. I'm so jealous of what your family has with you. I'm so sad for myself.

Vaccine appointment
'How are you?' in a few words
'It's been a nightmare.'

I finally got to see my doctor for a few seconds today.


It was hard to explain that I wasn't nervous about the jab, but everything else that was swirling in my head. She asked how I am.

'It's been a nightmare. I lost a friend in June.'

That's the briefest I could possibly be, and yet there's so much more to tell.
I'm debating asking for a phone appointment.

Dear T,

We shared so much in our last session with you. I think we weren't ready to share them, or maybe we were, but we always get worried that you will think really low of us when we do share really icky trauma stuff.

Thank you for still accepting me/us.

Dear K,

A facebook memory popped up on my phone yesterday, and hit me right in the face. I know we have achieved a lot, but WOW! 7 years ago (not that long really when you consider everything!) I was living halfway across the country in a place that had NEVER felt like home. I was married to man who didn't treat me right and I was in a job that I hated and had a bully for a boss. I even remember almost wishing I would crash my car on the way to work so that I wouldn't have to go. My Mum was still alive but I rarely spoke to my family. I made a few cards here and there but I never gave them to anyone because why would anyone want anything I had made. And I didn't have a single person I could truly call a friend.

Wow. Fast forward to today. I love where I live. My boyfriend is the most kind, gentle thoughtful man I could ever wish to meet and he treats me like a princess every single day. I love my job and the work life balance that I have. My boss is great and very understanding. I live round the corner basically from my family and we get together for dinner and games evenings fairly often. I now run my own papercrafting business and not only do I make cards AND give them away, I also teach other people how to do this too. And I am blessed to have some really good friends... everything from acquaintances to some that I would call on in a crisis, no matter the time of day. I love spending time with them in small doses, but I also know myself well enough and am good enough to myself to acknowledge that I need solitary time, and I allow myself to have it.

Life it a world away from where it was back then. And we did that... together. It took my Mum dying for my life to fall apart enough for me to reach out for some help. Something I had never ever ever done before and something I never ever ever thought I would do. And after some significant searching - there you were. My guardian angel, I guess. I wish my Mum was here to see the person I had become. I wish it hadn't taken her death for this change to happen, but sometimes that's just the way it is, and I guess maybe it was her biggest gift to me.

It led to me finding you, my surrogate mother. The person who cheered me on, who held me up, who stood solid as a rock, who encouraged me to walk, who helped me learn, who was always there, who loved me and showed me how to love myself, who showed me compassion and kindness and who challenged me really grow and develop as a human being. And maybe your biggest gift to me is yet to come. Maybe, just maybe, you leaving will open the door for me to really work on the trauma of my past. I feel like I have made significant headway in this area, but I will need some support going forwards I think, and maybe that person was never meant to be you.

I am so grateful is doesn't appear as if you have disappeared completely though, as I honestly don't think I could have taken that AND kept all of the above. I wasn't ready. Inside. I am grateful for any form of connection to remain with you and I will continue to try and make you proud of me. I am proud of myself though, too, just look where we have come!

I'm getting anxious about Monday, that you'll cancel. I really need to see you. It's a fragile sort of peace, thin glass.

Hey L. I made a couple small cardboard doors that can open/close, so I can enact the "doors" dream in a sand tray next week. An idea is now germinating that I'll talk about then too.

There’s something I need to ask you about when you’re off work - I’m sure you’ll be fine with it but I’m also nervous about asking you. Partly because I’d prefer to be supportive, but given the timing of other things in my life, it would be better for me, and will only be temporary anyway. Just hate that I’m still not totally ok asking to put my own needs first, even with you.

Dear T,
I want to ask if by chance you have any openings tomorrow, but I'm sure you won't, so all I'd be doing is bothering you on a Saturday. I mean, I guess there's a chance one of the few sessions you have on Sundays will cancel, but I doubt it. I can just talk to you Monday. Just a mess of anxiety...
Love,
LT

Dear T, I don't know whether to keep seeing you or not. This is a doubt I've had for a while.

Hey, I ordered a book about that one subject we talked about briefly yesterday. BTW, I don't really understand what you meant by "I don't work that way".

Ohhhhh... I get it... what you meant by that.

I miss you... I wish I could see you, but I know I can't and I understand. I hope you are ok.

This is terrible.