Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

Did your turkey turn out ok? I know you were worried.

I am worried I'll have romantic feelings for you on wednesday. I go back on my testosterone on Saturday and thats just enough time for my libido to get high. I know I switched birth controls one time and got the hots real bad for the dentist I had been seeing for years and had felt nothing before for her. After I got used to the birth control like the next day I had no idea what I was thinking. So yeah next week will be interesting.

Thursday feels like a destination rather than a day of the week these days.
It's hard to put everything that I am thinking into words. Continuing the conversation about anger feels important.

Dear New T,

Hi!

Thanks for being the stability I need right now. I had struggled to find the right word up until now... But that's it, there, stability.

I don't need to be digging around in the past right now. A part of me wants to, for sure, because this feels like we are wasting time, but this FEELS like the right path for me.

I want to talk about my probable ASD next week. I just started my in person classes again today and was reminded how absolutely exhausting I find them. Even though I actually wasn't doing anything for the three hours as it was an easy kit class, but yet still I walk away from there feeling so mentally drained.

Yet my gardening group this afternoon I come away from feeling refreshed almost, energised. Certainly not drained. And the only difference is that I feel like I can actually be more true to how I am at this group. It's a therapy group, and is for people with mild to moderate mental health issues. I feel like it's ok to be me weird self there, whereas I feel I need to be proper me in the other group.

Anyways, yeah, just want a chat about that really. I'm hoping you understand ASD enough to maybe help me shed some light on it all!

Thanks.

So, it begins.

You cancelled today, taking away one of my remaining termination sessions.

I wish I had asked now if you ever got vaccinated. Because if you didn't and your stupid unvaxxed butt has COVID again, I'm going to be furious with you. Worried as hell of course, but furious too.

p.s. I told h you cancelled and he thinks you are testing me... I don't think you'd lie about being sick though. I really don't.

I haven't emailed you since last Saturday and that email wasn't much of an email. I've drafted a few. At this moment I want mommy you. It will pass. I still have nothing to tell you. I don't want to actually talk to you. I am not mad and I am all kinds of mad.

Do you realize that I have mostly given up?

Dear T,
Had a moment where I thought today was Sunday (holiday confusion) and thought "Oh good, I'll see you tomorrow," then realized it's only Friday, and it's another 3 days. You very much deserve the time off (and it's not that long really), but it's still difficult.

Trying really hard to focus on the positives of yesterday going generally well and D getting her second shot today. And not going into some sort of doom-hole because of the new "variant of concern" being detected in Africa and Europe. Part of me wants to email you, but then what would you say exactly? It's not like you could say it's all going to be OK, that this variant isn't going to be another delta--or worse (if it evades vaccines). I'm sure you would empathize, which would help in some way. But I'm trying to do the internalized Dr. T thing that we talked about the other day. I'm also trying to not panic, because so much is unknown right now.

I mean, I might still end up emailing you. But I think that's OK, especially because you reiterated Wednesday that you'd be checking email every morning (without my asking first). The important part is that I at least try to get through it on my own--right? Instead of just jumping to contacting you? I think you would agree with that.

Love,
LT
PS--I do hope you had a good Thanksgiving.

I miss you, L. So very much! I'm doing okay though. Scared and hurting, but okay.

I miss you so much. I think of you very often and I hope you are doing ok. I just bought two little angel decorations. One for me, in remembrance of you, and one for you, in remembrance of your Step-Mum. I wish I could speak to you, but more than anything I wish I could just sit with you a while, in silence.

Well I guess what I wrote up there was a little mean that comment about your stupid unvaxxed butt. I hope you did get vaxxed, but didn't want to ask. Why didn't I just ask?!


And I sincerely hope you do not have covid again.

E-Why are my feelings so confused? I don’t even know how to make art about it. I feel weirdly bad about being “ok” today. I really do think part of it is being on a muscle relaxer right now.

I guess because im in the area but I miss transference T today and I bought 10 mint Aero bars.

i wish i could say at next week's appt, 'i shouldn't have come here today'!

Frank Turner's songs speak volumes to me. This one feels like a gift.
More words that I could borrow.

Looking forward to Monday, especially as I get to leave work an hour early, and as an added bonus won’t have to worry about saying no to the frankly ridiculous laundry runs we’re having to do at the moment. I’m used to the town you live in, now, but still hate the town the other home in our company is based in!
Plus I’ll hopefully, finally be able to take the futon cushion. It’s going to go beautifully with the floor rug I found, provided I can get a base delivered to my new home.

Dear T,
I managed to not email you last night. I sort of composed the email in my head, but didn't even get to the point of typing any of it up (what I wrote on here doesn't count). Talked about it a bit with H, which helped. And now there's potential good news (or at least not dire news) coming out about the variant. I'm sure you'd have been fine with my emailing and would have said something supportive this morning, but I also know I need to work on coping methods that don't involve you directly (your voice in my head doesn't count).

I do wish I was seeing you tomorrow instead of Monday--this long weekend just feels, well, extra long because aside from seeing my parents Thursday, we aren't doing much. Too cold to eat outside, plus D recovering from her shot (mostly doing OK, just has sniffles). Maybe I'll go someplace briefly tomorrow to get out of the house for a bit before my booster Monday.

Love and miss you,
LT

You never apologized for your role in what happened to me. Would you? The closest was an explanation. You definitely ****ed up on the diagnosis. Something you admitted. I appreciate that. But can I trust you? What if I get ill again?

My records confirm what I have always suspected and complained about over and over. They are filled with examples of confirmation and anchoring bias, along with fundamental attribution error. The entire "team" was guilty of this. This is why I never got better until I decided to put a stop to treatment and all the pills. This also explains why serotonin toxicity was misdiagnosed. In that state the history I provided should have been questioned. It was unreliable. The ED doctors noticed it but psychiatry refused to believe them.

The service failed me.

I ate a mint Aero bar when I was close to Transference T's office. Now I am home and not thinking about her anymore. Its weird how those things work. Will my mind always be connected to her and those candy bars and when I miss her I can just pull one out and eat it? Seems like thats the case.

Will we have to go back to remote and for how long? Since I'm not moving there wouldnt be that insane pain of not being able to see you that I had with the therapist I was doing video sessions with while in the process of moving. But yeah I wonder if you'll have a plan in place when I see you on wednesday. Like if things got suddenly bad the way they did in march 2020

Thinking about you and hoping you're starting to feel better. But I promise to leave you alone and post here instead. If you cancel again this coming week, I will ask for details (whether you like it or not) because, well, covid.

L,
You say big needs are okay? And that you try to keep the relationship balanced? Then why are your needs more important than mine?

L,
How do you do that? Sometimes we're so in sync, it's scary. Thank you. You took time out of your vacation to write to me when you thought of me. That's all I wanted: to hear from you. I was mad at you and was feeling abandoned. Now I'm good. I love you.

Hey L. Thinking of you and hoping you're feeling better and that you don't have covid again. I'm really fighting with myself right now to stay positive since the news about the new variant broke. Maybe I'll give what you said a try for the rest of today and just completely not look at anything covid-related. I was talking with my sister earlier and she said she's struggling too but not with sadness/depression, it's with her own internal anger at the anti-vaxxers. She's pissed and no longer caring who knows it. I told her I've never learned how to let myself be angry - I so quickly turn it inward on myself and it becomes the sadness and depression. I know I have the tools to deal with this. Why am I not using them? Most of all more than anything else though I'm worried for you.
well I guess at least we got to start processing this ending together (i can't help but wonder now if I somehow knew something and that's why I felt so driven to start this ending processing when I did, you being sick now kinda puts the whole 'i need to leave before you leave me' thing in a new light doesn't it) and I can be grateful for that if nothing else.

but, please be okay...

One of the highlights of this weekend has been watching the first two instalments of the new Beatles documentary. Hearing them jam 'Stand By Me' took my breath away for a few minutes.

I set everything up just as I did the last time a major George Harrison documentary came out. There were moments when I felt Chris was with me, and that was what I needed.