Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

So I got the book (workbook) I ordered, gotta love amazon prime, I am going to start working through it this evening after dinner. I hope it's helpful. Maybe I'll bring it with me on Friday so you can take a peek at it.

3 months ago I was very upset by what was happening in Afghanistan and my bigot therapist was being completely dismissive of what was going on and my feelings as well. It’s like be dismissive of whats going on on your own time not on your clients time. I’m glad she fired me so she wouldn’t cause any more damage then she already did but I don’t believe the reason why she fired me I truly believe she fired me because I’m trans. I’ve thought of writing a review. I don’t know why this stuff has bugged me more then usual lately.

Please, please, please, please help me.

I'm grateful you were able to fit me in at all this week with it being Thanksgiving but I hate afternoon sessions because I've often had 2 valium by then and am noticeably spacey and the sessions are not often productive and you already want my pdocs info because of the valium situation.

Is this moon sending you/us a sign? It really feels like it is. It really feels as if it is telling us not to forget, about each other. So big and bright and hugely visible right now, from 6pm until gone 9am. And I know you have seen it and I know you will likely still be seeing it.

I wonder if you will ever look at the moon and not think of me. I wonder what you think. I think of you and hope you are ok. I hope nothing else has happened to you or your family. I hope everyone is recovering well. I don't know if I will ever be able to say those things to you, but it is what I think when I think if you.

That, and that I miss you. That I understand and I'm sorry and I'm grateful. And that I love you, and I wish you would just let me love you.

T-In so much pain. What if my doctor doesn’t prescribe anything, and I have to go at least 3 weeks feeling like this? I can’t do it. I feel for anyone who deals with chronic pain.

Thank you for a friendly, low-key session today. I really did just want to talk with you and keep it light.

dear T- i really hope we can talk tomorrow, even if it’s for a little bit, and even though i know you can’t do anything about the pain.

I’m worried you’re getting sick of me

Wowza L. I had a doozy of a realization this morning - tied together a couple of things - and I think I'm in the process of pulling back some more of those annoyingly numerous projections from you. Holy carp I'm gonna be embarrassed telling you this but I'm going to do it anyway. I think it is important to share it during this ending-processing. Thanks for not calling it "termination" btw, I do dislike that word.


I find it interesting that you don't use that and certain other "therapy" words, like how you've very rarely said the word "transference" and only ONCE that I recall did you ever say "countertransference" - and that was last week.

I don't want to see you today because I'm anxious about leaving my house. But I feel like if I call the office and ask for a remote session instead of in person you will not be happy at my reason. God I would never think I'd be asking for a remote session instead when an in person session was orginally scheduled.

L,
You have become so busy, I feel like you don't have time for me anymore, that I'm in the way, and you don't want me anymore. It hurts. I know these life events/holidays are good things, but I really need you right now. You have not prepared me for any of this. It's been on the fly. It really upsets me and causes me a lot of anxiety. I'm scared, L. Please help me. Please be there. Please don't leave me!

Dear Temp T,

That was hard to begin with. Just sat there thinking "oh my, really, what have I done". Bit I think we slowly got in to it. And I guess it's ok if it takes time. This is all about settling, after all. Relaxing I guess. Just being, and letting myself be a little supported?

Thank you for getting the Jenga thing. I'm glad you told me you were lost, so I could go back a bit. I'm glad you think Ks humanity will win out. I do too.

I'm guessing you were meaning I was tenacious when you likened me to the robot vacuum bumping into walls all over the place but keeping going. Eventually finding my way. I think I'll take it as a complement!

My plans got turned on their head today, but I was proud of myself as I made the most of it anyway and had an amazing day. I could easily have gone down the rabbit hole, but I didn't, and I sooooo glad! I'm got K to thank for that. She really helped me to learn how to overcome those particular challenges

I’m sorry we didn’t get to talk today, but glad I got a prescription. Let’s hope it helps. Happy Thanksgiving.

Ok so now that its done dont tear me a new one once the zoom session starts because I would have been waiting at least 15 minutes for my mom to pick me up anyways since she has an appointment at the same time. So this actually makes things easier for both me and her

Ok so you were fine with it being remote but I didnt find the session to be very helpful but it was me not you. Although you didnt seem to really notice a diffrence I dont think.

But you had some good suggestions.

Dear T, I miss you so much. I hope you will return to your office soon. I need to talk to you everyday is getting to be a struggle for me. I just have so much anxiety and stress all happening at once. I can't go to groups right now because im so fragile and feel like crying all the time. I miss you and am very worried you wont be back.
Hugs
Cheryl

Hey L, last night I dreamed you telling me that you have decided to retire at the end of the year. Interesting...

I nearly sent you another message today, but I decided to try and hold on to it. I miss you so much. I wish I was still able to see you, but I do understand. I don't think you ever fully understood the type of work that we were doing. Right from day one it felt like I had to kind of pull you along on this journey with me... I'm just insanely glad you came along for the ride (that sounds way more condescending than I mean it to!) And that you were who I needed you to be for the time I needed you to be it for.

I always said it would be like the Nanny McPhee quote, and whilst I couldn't see it a few months ago, I can see it now. "When you need me, but do not want me, I must stay. When you want me, but no longer need me, then I must go".

I am not sure I ever would have chosen to leave. Maybe this was the only way. I do still need you though, but not as my counsellor. I AM stronger now. I AM able to find ways to manage. I AM able to open up.... Way more than I ever imagined was possible.

And I have opened up more in the last six months BECAUSE you left. Because I felt like I was going to explode if I didn't, and because I had learnt that maybe the world wouldn't end if I did open up. It hasn't ended. In fact, opening up helps (oh my goodness, I can't believe I am saying, that... No, more than that, I can't believe that I actually believe that. I really have come a VERY long way!!!)

So thank you, I guess, in a wierd and roundabout way. And thank you for still being there in some unknown form. You will never know how much that means to me. How much I do need that. And I hope that maybe, just maybe, I can bring something to your life too. I don't know so much about that though, but I would like to give it a go. You deserve to have lots of people love you.

E-It feels like an eternity since I saw you. I really hope our session for Friday is still on.

I've done SO much thinking/writing since last week. I kinda want to ask you what your thoughts are about all of this, but I probably won't because it doesn't really matter when it comes right down to it. You're starting to feel a lot more like the stranger that you actually are to me.


And I'm not sure how I feel about feeling that...

Thank you for talking to the billing department and getting my copays cut in half for 3 months. I really appreciate it. I will be working by then and I know you said its important to stay at once a week instead of going every other week. This will help me majorly financially.

Dear T,

Sometimes I wish there were more T's out there like you so that people would feel better about their therapy and themselves. I see so many broken people without T's or with not-so-well-trained T's that it makes me wish that you were available to them, too. I feel very privileged and honored to have you as my T, even though there were some times when my alters would get angry and want to quit. But you've always helped them and asked them to give you a chance. And when they did, they found out how much freedom they had to be themselves around you, and to feel like therapy is helping them.

I’m thankful for your dumb, baby boy face. It means a lot that you’ve taken the time to talk to me a little bit when you’re technically not supposed to. I’m never going to say that I’m looking forward to therapy, but I’ve missed you and can’t wait to reconnect on Tuesday. I feel like it’s been forever. And in some ways it really has been

'What anger needs, sadness doesn't.'

Thank you for breaking it down so succinctly. This season is excruciating. It's hard to know that these pockets of time are not enough, and yet they have to be.

Today I am thankful that I am starting to really understand, and that you are willing to walk me through this finding closure to the relationship that we had, regardless of the fact that it was never actually between us - I get it now that it was between me, and the fantasy-you that I constructed in my mind/heart out of the tidbits of you that you have shared, yes, but mostly from my own projections. That fantasy-you allowed me to find the healing that I needed, but now it's time for me to let that fantasy-you go and take back all those parts both positive and negative that I've been projecting on you all these years. You and I are two very different people, I am starting to see. And I am ready to begin my journey forth into the world a healed and whole person with all my human imperfections that make me who I am, as we both let go of this dyad/alliance whatever you want to call it. We can talk about this more tomorrow.