Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

On Friday my therapist said “ok next session will be in person.” It’s like something that I wanted to hear so badly from my transference T and it just ****ed me up so much when she wasn’t able to give me that response after each remote session. After each session it was just “same time same place?” So it means so much to me to be able to hear that from my current therapist.

I don't think this is going to work, Potential New T. I told you last week that I think (Ex T thought) I was on the spectrum, and yet you email at 6pm on Sunday to say that we have to change rooms again tomorrow morning because the new room is booked out.

I don't like last minute change. I don't do well with it, and neither do I like the old room. Too busy. People around.

And added to that the uncertainty of having to find somewhere completely new soon anyway.

And the fact that you feel distant and removed.

And the fact that you feel unavailable.

I'm due to be seeing Temp T a week Tuesday. I think I'm going to tell you tomorrow that I don't want to see you anymore.

I think I just need stability. Understanding. Warmth. Kindness. Care.

I feel like that's what will help me right now. Maybe not long term but right now, it feels like it is for the best.

Right now you would be like call the poison control center (why though) or call the doctor. But it’s Sunday night and there’s no reason to do any of that stuff. After hours isn’t really helpful anyways. I don’t know what’s wrong but I’m sure it can wait until the morning if it’s still going on. I could use some Tylenol though right now. That may help a lot. I appreciate your help but sometimes things just need to pass on their own and doctors don’t need to be involved.

"I struggled to contain my emotion when I experienced hurt or betrayal. I didn't understand that my brain interpreted rejection as a threat to life and that it would respond with volatility and fear as if I were being eaten by a lion. I saw my frantic, amber zone outbursts of fight and flight as indicative only of my badness and madness, not as desperate attempts to feel safe in an eternally abandonning world."

But also,
Whyy the **** did you ask what I wanted to work on that day 4 minutes before the end of the session. Were you actively trying to piss me off or do you throw that question in at the end with all your clients so you can be saved by the bell?

Dear T,
Thank you SO much for being available this weekend and talking to me, as well as the invitation to talk tomorrow before our session on Wednesday. You always step up when I am feeling extra bad. I wish I could actually tell you this, but I won't.

Carolyn Spring is amazing isn’t she?! I read her work and feel like she has gone inside my head and put my feelings and thoughts on to paper.

Oh L.


Just, oh L.

I've never heard of her before, but I saw this and thought WOW!!!

Potential New T,

Thank you!!!!

Temp T,

See you soon!!!!

Ex T,

Maybe things really do happen for a reason..... I miss you though

Old T,

Good thinking, just not ready yet.

Hi R,

I got my flu jab this morning. Will have my booster jab on Saturday.
I was hoping that I'd see my doctor for the flu jab appointment.
No such luck, but then, I don't think it would have been long enough or appropriate to go into what I've been going through over the past few months.


Part of me wants to let her know...because she's a caring doctor. Part of me doesn't want to unpack that with her, especially given the masked situation.

I see what I was doing now with the monthly thing, like I explained in my email. It's understandable I think but maybe that's just me and you won't understand it at all and will just be pissed at me and think I was playing games. L, I truly hope you know that NONE of this has EVER been a game to me. My feelings are very real and very deep.


Perhaps a better idea would have been to schedule every 2 weeks but also set a definite end date.

Dear T,
What you said at the end of session today about parenting D really meant a lot to me. We'd already scheduled for next week, I figured we'd just say our goodbyes, then you held off to validate and reassure me about how challenging D is and how we're doing the best we can with her. I know you've said similar before, but the way you said it unprompted, that really affected me (maybe that was obvious because I teared up). I think it's something I needed to hear in the moment, and you recognized that. So, thanks.

Love,
LT

Oh, and I pretty much don't expect a response to my email. Because, well, consequences. And that's okay. I am okay.

Dear.... Future T??

Thank you for not bull£#_&ing me today. I think I flummoxed you, but you didn't try and cover it up, or pretend you knew, or defend an unarguable argument, which I am grateful for.

I really don't see why it is considered SO wrong to see two different therapists at the same time, if each are offering something different.

It really is like going to the rheumatologist and the physio at the same time, to me. Both provide something complimentary, just to the mind rather than the body.

You said something that I didn't quite manage to grab hold of, but indicated that maybe it could work for me, as I am able to look at things in a unique way? Not sure what you meant, but I'm glad you just owned the fact that you didn't have an answer. Thanks.

And thanks for saying I can come back next year. I think I would like that. When I feel more settled and ready to dig.

Oh, and thank you for saying what you did about me. About resilience. It did feel like you had been judging me... Saying I wasn't strong... Saying I should be more resilient. This k you for apologising for that.

I see my strength. I know my strength, and it is important to me that you see it too. So thank you for saying you do see it.

T: I can not stop worrying about how much i contacted you this weekend. Over basically, nothing. People get drunk and cry all the time. It’s not like a new phenomenon. I had you worried I had run off and wasn’t safe, but no, i was just in bed, sobbing. I shouldn’t have texted you s much. I know you said it was okay, but ot really isn’t. I want to email or text you with an apology SO BAD, but then that would be contacting you more. It can wait until Wednesday, right? Well, it has to.

Where did the time go ex-T? Our second lot of sessions when you returned after being off sick lasted just 12 weeks and now it's already been 11 weeks since we last spoke, when you told me you were retiring from seeing clients for good.

I found a new T after a couple of false starts... But it's not the same. She's not you. Now the thing that's been holding me together for the past 2 years is starting to unravel and all I want to do is talk to you about it...and I can't. When I lost you, I thought at least I still have X, now I don't even have that.

I can't even admit to new T that my head is in a very dark place, because she doesn't know me like you do. You would know what to say and wouldn't over-react. I don't know how she'd respond and I don't trust her enough yet to put it to the test.

What do I do T? I wish I could have that conversation with you.

Sent from my SM-A526B using Tapatalk

Driving home from the vet this evening I looked out the car window and saw the moon shining brightly. Well, that did it. I started crying because I remembered that Christmas break you were out of town and we'd both thought of the other when looking at the moon. I was crying because I messed everything up. I cried all the way home. But I'm better now. It was cleansing, and good to get it out of my system. I do still want to talk about all of this on 12/10. Please don't cancel, even though I said in my email that I still feel like I should be stopping.

T: Why on earth is this bothering me so much? It is making me crazy and its only been 9 hours since we talked. How am I supposed to make it until 6 Wed night? I am convinced you are mad/going to have a boundary conversation with me on Wednesday, and I can't bear the thought of you being upset with me. I can NOT handle thinking people are upset with me. I need to resolve it now. But I just can not reach back out to you after all of this communication over the past 3 days. I think it will make my guilt and anxiety worse, no matter what you say. I think I need to see and hear it in person, no matter how hard it is. But...how on earth do you wait on such high anxiety and guilt?

Dear T,

I sometimes get embarrassed by the emails I send you (or my alters and I send you). But you always have a way of accepting us. Still, we get afraid of what you're going to say at our next session.

L, I think the tears last night in the car were exactly what I needed to start letting go. I woke up this morning, 2 hours after turning off the alarm in my sleep haha, and the first thing I realized was that I was smiling. I know that I have finally made the decision, and I feel good about it. I accept the sadness that is going to come along with actually doing it, it's only natural and right that I feel sad about it because this relationship has been such an important one for me. And however this plays out - I know I will be okay. If you are still willing to see me in December, we can talk about it then, map out our ending together, and that will be okay. If you're not, I know that will hurt, but you know what? That's okay too. I'm so much stronger now because of the work that we did together, and I have the resources inside myself. I have a stronger relationship with h than in the past, and I have a couple of really good friends locally that I know I can talk to if needed and one long-distance friend, and my sister in KC too, that I know I can call. I also know with certainty that ending our work together is what is needed for me to step into the next stage of my growth, the stage that can't happen until I leave. Kinda like when I went away to college when I was 18, you know? So yes. I have decided that I do want to stop, I hope we can talk about it and map out exactly how we will, but if we can't, that's okay too.

You'll always be in my heart.

Love,
me

Oh T, after the disaster that was Friday and me feeling so disconnected and angry with you, I can’t express how grateful I am for how you handled today’s session. Although you stuck to your boundaries, in your own way you made sure you expressed that you cared and you are invested in our relationship.
The fact that you told me you were moved by what I had written really meant something to me, even if I didn’t outwardly show it.
I know I’m hard work, I know my disorganised attachment is exhausting to work with, I know I am not an easy client. So thank you, your patience with me so far is appreciated.

I need to stop feeling so attracted to you and just focus on what needs to be worked on. But I don't know if I can.

I’m not a lethargic mess because I’ve taken too much. I’m a lethargic mess because I’m off stuff. Please don’t get the 2 mixed up and bring up poison control/ the ER when it is totally unnecessary and uncalled for. Even my primary doesn’t even need to be contacted. My one doctor is taking care of things and that is all that needs to be done. I like you but I feel like you care too much sometimes and over think the situation.