[Lemoncake]

Anything you would like to say to your therapist, big or small... post it here.

[LostOnTheTrail]

Hi R,

I feel like crap today on multiple levels. Didn't actually get out of bed until just before 11:00am. Struggling to motivate myself. Thought I'd got away with feeling bad after the injection, but no such luck.

Feeling awful physically adds to feeling awful mentally, and it just snowballs.

Hope I'm feeling better by Thursday.

[LonesomeTonight]

Dear T,

Possible trigger:

Having a freakout now about D being in in-person school after an article someone posted about how kids get COVID more often than they thought, even though they tend to have few, if any, symptoms. But that puts me and H at risk. Or what if it has long-term effects on D's health, even if she's asymptomatic? I'm trying to be calm. I know it's best for her and they're taking all reasonable precautions (like, all the rooms don't have windows, so can't open those in all classrooms). I hate how so much of this just feels like a crapshoot. Just seems, in some ways, totally random who gets it and who doesn't, who gets really sick and who doesn't, who has long-term consequences and who doesn't. Like we could do almost everything right and still get it and get really sick and maybe die. While other people are having huge unmasked gatherings all the time, and they're totally fine.

It's a case where, as you know and agree with, we aren't just sending D back to school because we want free childcare or we're tired of having her home. But I just worry that this is a case where her being on the spectrum will lead to more dire consequences for her and us, like in terms of physical health and life. Beyond what's already happened with mental health. And we've been trying to be safe, which led to her (and us) being more isolated than maybe what many other families and people did. I don't want that sacrifice to be for nothing, if like, she catches COVID in school next week, gives it to me, and I die. Or Bob does. Or has long-lasting effects. Or she has long-lasting heart damage and can't run and play.

Like, we've had a lot of struggles over the past year, plus the past 9 before that. Can we just have a pass on this, maybe? God, fate, Mother Nature, chance, whoever/whatever force is out there? I know many others have had it much worse, deaths, job loss, etc. But could we be cut some sort of break here? Please?

Love,
LT

[ArtieTheSequal]

Hey L, I just signed up for the next workshop. I didn't realize how much I wanted to do it until we were talking yesterday. I still haven't mentioned the year-long writing thing I'm doing. Or the still upcoming free zoom lectures I've signed up for. This is all in the name of keeping my work going apart from you, which is important for me so I know that I can and will do as we continue to decrease the frequency of my sessions. Every 2 weeks/twice a month feels really good right now and at some point, I imagine we'll go to once every 3 weeks... then once a month? We'll see how it goes. But I'm comfortable for now where we are. That one website I told you about in January, they have several free one-hour recorded lectures that I'm going to listen to between sessions, and there's also some very affordable ones too (to the tune of like $15-$18 each) that sound interesting to me as well. It's a good resource I found. And if S does any more $29 ones, I'll be all over those too. I have a hard time spending $199 for the longer ones, but I think this one at the end of the month will be worth it.

[*Beth*]

The past 2 sessions have been excellent. You really understood where I was coming from, and I got you, too. It facilitates true self-growth.

[ArtieTheSequal]

OH and... I'm still a little amazed about the Bear thing.

[velcro003]

I can't believe I wrote that to you/acknowledged it. I am already scared to talk to you on Friday.

[Mountaindewed]

I seem to have moved on from previous T. It took a couple weeks. I didn’t think about her much this weekend and today I’m ok too. Once I realized just how much better my mental health is now without her I feel ok with things. Honestly with the new T I see her again on the 18th and I’m not thinking much of her either. I’m just trying to focus on my move and get things taken care of around the house. I hope it continues that I am not hyper focused on therapy with anymore with anyone.

[ArtieTheSequal]

Hey L. Okay, so I'll admit it. For the first 2-3 days after my session, when I'm working on something related to what we talked about I'll be like ooh I want to tell you now. But then after that, usually by Tuesday at some point that goes away and I'm good waiting again. Finding these other interactive ways of continuing my work between sessions has been really helpful and I'm glad I'm doing them. Like, last night I found a 4-lecture series about dreams, archetypes, and complexes that I'm strongly thinking about registering for even though it's not free, it's not too expensive. Cuz I'm super interested in the complexes thing the more I read. It's absolutely fascinating. I'm working on trying to name the one that's been activated recently - I'm thinking it's like a core one or something, a deeper-seated one than others that I've already brought to light and integrated or whatever. It's a tricky one eh, that shape-shifts and slithers out of the light. It doesn't like me shining light around looking for it, does it? Ha. Goddess this work is fascinating.

[LonesomeTonight]

Dear T,
So that ended up being kind of intense for a while there. With the talk about D and my fears and also with the COVID anniversary. Thank you for holding and accepting all of that, for being understanding and not judging of a couple comments. I admit that I have to wonder if they resonate for you as well in some way, but I could see them resonating simply as a fellow parent--and fellow adult human dealing with this. And thanks for sharing some of your own experience of the pandemic. I'd intended to talk about some other stuff today, too, but I apparently needed to address that.

I feel like the ending was awkward, but I think maybe I was just not wanting to say goodbye and sorta fishing for a "Take care" or something.

Love,
LT

[ArtieTheSequal]

L!!! I realized with a start this morning something else about myself/my shadow that I've been projecting on h for the longest. O.M.Freaking.G. Will these revelations never cease?! Navajo rabbit shadow work is hard. How does one keep from falling into a pit of despair over the things they finally allow themselves to see when doing this work?! I think I may want to come this week after all if I can't get a handle on this myself. I'm not spiraling into self-hatred yet, because I know the goal is wholeness, not perfection.... and I also know that once the shadow is brought into the light it will no longer control me.... therein lies my hope. I can do this. I can.


But I might call you.

[LostOnTheTrail]

What a ride the last week has been. I'm feeling more like myself now, though.
It bothers me how crucial that caring element is...it's not something I've ever experienced as a 'lack', but...where it matters and it isn't there....that's going to have consequences.

[SlumberKitty]

Dear T. Thanks for responding to my text message and sending me the picture of Pooh and Piglet hugging. That's not practical help for how I'm feeling but I know you are thinking of me and I appreciate it. Kit

[Mountaindewed]

I miss going to work and then right after that an in person therapy session and then going out to lunch right after that to try to rewind from therapy. I do have to tell myself that all this will start to happen again by June. Just different town, different therapist etc. but things will get back to normal for me.

I kinda missed old T today. But I used to have sessions on Tuesdays. This week I’m not having one at all. So maybe I just want a therapy session in general. Not necessarily with old T. My new therapy time is on Thursdays starting next week and I’ve always wanted therapy on Thursdays for some reason. I guess it’s just extra support before the weekend is about to begin.

[Mountaindewed]

Old T was basically out of my mind today. I’m hoping the new T will be able to give me some names of people I need and possible referrals to other hospitals that can do what I need and that aren’t hours away.

So far new T is like how old T was for almost a year. Just a regular T with no transference and I don’t care about her other clients or if she thinks about me between sessions and secretly worrys about me the way I felt about the old T.

[KLL85]

Dear T,
That was an interesting question you asked about whether the parental transference I feel towards you is a positive or negative thing and whether we can use it to progress therapy or if we need to work on trying to reduce some of that transference. You seemed to be suggesting that you were open to trying some reparenting to help build attachment if I felt that it would be helpful. I appreciate you asking me what I thought would be most beneficial and useful and being so open to my thoughts rather than pushing for what you think would be best.
I also appreciate your sensitivity about you going on leave for a couple of weeks and giving me lots of advance warning so we can spend some time preparing for that so I’m not left feeling abandoned. It’s weird, it actually feels like someone truly gets me.

[LostOnTheTrail]

It really hacks me off to think it's been a year since we were in the same physical space. My memory for dates is doing me a serious disservice in that regard.

[ArtieTheSequal]

Heya L (again). Man I'm still processing big stuff today. Holy wow. I was chatting with one of my old friends earlier and she said something I thought was really profound, and sorta sums up some of what i've been thinking about she said that "you're never going to figure it all out anyway, so just enjoy each day." something like that. It relates to therapy. Like what I was saying. That I know I'm never going to be done with my inner work, and that's why I'm finding ways of doing it that don't involve you. I have another (free) Zoom thing tomorrow evening about working with nightmares, that will take the place of seeing you tomorrow since we're not scheduled again until 3/19.

[Mountaindewed]

I kinda miss old T today. I am thinking about how relaxed I am about my move and how good of a mood I’ve been in these last couple days. So I’m wondering if I jumped the gun a bit with old T. But maybe I’m so relaxed because I have therapy figured out now. I don’t know. It’s a bit confusing right now. I only saw new T once and I don’t see her again until next Thursday. So hopefully things work out.

Or something, whatever.

[ArtieTheSequal]

Oh yeah and ha, so much for what I said the other day about how by Tuesday...

i kinda wish we were meeting tomorrow but then again... i really do need to learn to just sit with this stuff.

[ArtieTheSequal]

Oh and you know what? You totally need to get a couple of those Moonpod beanbag chair thingies for your office. That'd be awesome.

[ArtieTheSequal]

Hi, me again, ha ha, I am so proud of myself this morning. I finally took care of something that I've been hiding my head in the sand about for literally YEARS... you are well aware of my money complex... well I guess working on accepting these complexes, these parts of myself, lately has paid off because I decided to just pull up my big girl britches and I finally made the phone call I needed to make to start the ball rolling, to take care of this financial thing!!

[Glittering]

It’s been exactly a year now since we sat in a room together. It’s been windy today, just like it was a year ago. I remember walking across the park to your house and feeling this deep sense of unease and dread, I had no idea at the time it would be the last time I’d see you for so long. Feeling the pain of it today. Miss you.

[LonesomeTonight]

Dear T,

I feel like today's session sort of fit under the "casual Friday" tag, just like your attire. But I think we discussed some important things. It's interesting that you're sensing optimism from me. Though you're right, that I'd gotten stuck in a very living day-to-day place. I hope if I can start feeling better about work and/or creative pursuits it could have the ripple effect we discussed. I appreciate your sharing a bit about yourself in there, too--I wonder if you wish you'd taken a different path at times? You seemed wistful in a way, talking about how your life got delayed by getting a PhD.

It's funny, I was going to ask you when you thought you might be seeing clients in person again. But your working from home in your hoodie, it didn't feel like the right time to ask. And I like the version of you that's been here during the pandemic.


And thanks for the "take care."
Love,
LT