Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVIII

I ate goldfish crackers and didnt think of anyone. I just knew they had 130 calories and could fit into my diet. Plus they were the last thing she said and I couldn't remember what else the hell she said they had.

You looked old and frail. I don't like it, it frightens me. I was happy to carry the box for you, but I was also really sad to carry the box for you. Aging, retirement, death, frailty, illness, thinness, are all disallowed. Why are you getting old? Are you doing it on purpose to agitate me? Does your partner look after you properly? You were cold as we sat outside, I noticed you were wearing two jumpers. No, this won't do at all. I won't accept it.

For some reason I had the bright idea to double check what I 'quoted' from Steve's book yesterday.

Shouldn't have done that. 'Being visibly pissed off is perfectly acceptable when handled in a healthy way.'

I don't know what to do with this anger that is directed at him. Directed at the choice he made. Is it easier to accept that there was a choice, or that there was none?

God knows.

:I thought that was funny how I was scratching my eye and you gave me a weird look and I said "I wasn't picking my nose." And you said "I thought you were just scratching it."

I also understand the whole asking questions at that exact moment instead of leaving it unanswered and having to deal with the anxiety thing, that we are working on. No other therapist has ever told me that and when they did mention it they kinda just grouped it into reassurance which they said was bad to do.

Dear T,

Honestly, I'm confused. If someone is dependable, then they are seen as very reliable and that is a good thing. That people can depend on them. Depending on someone is seen as something we all do day in, day out, and is something that is just seen as a part of life. So where does it differ, depending to being dependent on?

I depended on K. Sure I did, after trust was built. I wouldnt say I was dependent on her, in your sense of the word though. But I did depend on her. I had to learn that I could depend on another human being. I had to somehow learn that other people can be relied on, to act how you think they will, to do what they say they will, to be kind, to be human. Of course people mess up, I know that. Sometimes things don't go right.

I just feel like your opinion of the work that we did is getting in the way here and I dislike the fact that I am paying you to iron out your opinions. Because that is all they are. Opinions. As I said in session, you don't know me. You don't know me and you never really will. You certainly don't know K and you absolutely never will, so please don't judge something you don't understand.

You asked me, can you understand and still disagree. Yes, on some things, for sure. But not this, because by you disagreeing it means you are either saying I am wrong in that it didn't help, or you are disapproving of the way that we did it. That's what it feels like. That you are disapproving, and it's that which I don't like.

You are entitled to your own opinions, absolutely. But when someone is telling you that this aspect of the work had a major possitive impact on them I'm not sure why you would hold on to that? It seems very closed minded to me.

However, I'm not sure that it matters, because I certainly don't want that from you, so I guess the best way forwards is (if you still feel you disagree or disapprove) to keep your opinion out of my time, please.

I will never be able to forgive myself, or not blame myself no matter how much you think I should.

I discovered this song yesterday. Somehow it's a balm and a barb at the same time.

If I could ask for your help I would. I'm too scared you'll say no to a call, especially with it being Mother's Day tomorrow and your day off. But I am in massive distress and need you to know that.

Oops.

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What were you talking about at our last session when you said kinda sarcastically "now you know" Because I don't know what you were talking about. I probably should just let it go instead of bring it up though. It seems like a sensitive topic for you.

I've said this before but it does not seem at all like we are the same age. And I forget it a lot. I don't know how you feel about it but you have stuck with me since October 11th so it shouldnt be too big of a deal to you.

Calling my mom instead of me is kinda strange though.

wouldibeaterriblefailureifisaidiwanttocomebackbrieflypleasedontbemadatmeokaybutiwanttomaybeithink

Dude, just delete that email.

I was listening to the song Time After Time by Cindy Lauper and the part came on that said "you're wondering if I'm ok" and it made me think of you. I don't know. I think its just because we haven't seen each other in person in 2 sessions. The only thing I did diffrently was I took a diffrent type of melatonin last night. So theres no reason I should be feeling like this towards you. I often feel like I want to like you but most of the time the spark isn't there.

Thank you so much for replying so kindly to my email. Your response warmed my heart and I do believe it renewed my believe in myself and my ability to continue moving forward in my life without therapy. I got this.

Dear T,
Hope you have a safe trip home today--supposed to be really windy in our area, but I don't think it's bad enough to delay flights? I mean, some areas are windy all the time (Chicago, San Francisco), and there are airports there.

I wish you could email me and just say "home safely, see you tomorrow," but I know you wouldn't be open to doing that on your own, without my emailing first. As that's probably more of an outside-life-person thing to do.

Though I may email you tonight simply to confirm the time tomorrow--I'm out of practice doing scheduling on my iPhone (use my Macbook when we're virtual), so I'm not 100% that it's 1 tomorrow. Also to confirm that I still want virtual. Though I imagine you'll remember. I actually wonder if you'll just be working from home to be safe anyway.

Love,
LT

Oh, and, thank you for being one of the good ones. Despite the relationship ruptures and other little hiccups we had here and there, I still believe that you are.


You'll always have a special place in my heart.

Will I ever be able to hug you again? I sincerely hope so. I'm not ready to let go of that possibility yet. For some reason I still need to hold on to that. To you.

I miss the way your stomach used to rumble towards the end of our sessions. I miss the way that when you knew it was difficult you would wait outside in the garden for me. I miss the space that we had. I miss your softly spoken voice. I miss hearing the birds singing during the silent moments. I miss the way you would gently nudge me in the 'right' direction. I miss the long and connecting hugs. I miss all of this and a whole load more. I miss you.

Happy Mother's Day.

I miss you. Kind of a lot. Since you were on vacation 2 weeks ago and then we had a telesession last week. I really want to see you in person hopefully it still works out this week. I'm getting 2020 telesession vibes where they lasted over a year. I hope you won't be too freaked out by my weight loss but we discussed it last week and you seemed fine with the number.

Dear T,
Please reply. Session is in 3 hours (assuming I have the time right), and I just want to know that it's still on (and that you know I want virtual). My subject line makes it clear what I'm asking. I just hope you got home OK and aren't, say, sick or anything. If I don't hear back in an hour or so, I'll text, but was just trying to be as non-intrusive as possible, in case, say, you got home late and were sleeping in. Or have a mountain of texts and emails to reply to from being away.
Love,
LT

2 weeks to go, hoping it isn’t awkward as hell. Can’t wait but at the same time it’s scaring me! I’ll have to use your dog as a distraction if it gets too much. Can we do our next session on my birthday, please?

By god you people are master manipulators. I still don't know if you people believe any of the crap you spew. And I don't know which would appall me more. I wonder it about people who sell religion as well.

Thanks for replying, but might have been nice to have a "see you then" along with "confirmed." Though you're likely in a rush. Of course I worry you're annoyed. More likely just tired and/or drowning in emails/texts, plus clients.

Dear T,
It means a lot that you think we're doing the right thing with the medication. I appreciate the empathy today--I had expected you to be out of it/sleepy or sort of detached from having been traveling, but you seemed very engaged. Well, except for the part where you had to text a brief reply to the person doing the intake in the next session, but that could have been that they were having trouble finding your office or something, so I get why you had to do that.

I was also concerned that Zoom would feel weird or sad after a couple weeks of in person, but it was fine. I suppose it probably helps that it was my choice to do that and that it's presumably just temporary. Well, though if I'm at the beach part of next week, it will be Zoom again. But again, that's my choice. And I'm glad you seemed relatively flexible about scheduling for that. And that you were honest when I asked if you ever saw yourself having a more open/flexible schedule like you did pre-pandemic. Also good to know you don't have a formal waiting list--I didn't say this, but I feel less bad knowing there's not a specific name that I'm keeping from sessions by going three times a week. Though like I mentioned, I do want to discuss the possibility of twice a week. It sounds like I wouldn't be locked into that if I chose it, which would make the decision easier. Though we can discuss it more next session.

And what you said about periods was funny!

Love,
LT

I am so, so sad. And here I was worried that my numbness was a permanent state; and that I was not grieving for Jack like I “should” be. Well, that ended and now I am back to missing him so much that it hurts, and crying my eyes over him. WHY did I do such a STUPID thing. I am the sole bearer of the burden of losing Jack.

So, I wanted to respond to your email on Sunday with "You're welcome" and a "Thank you" for that one sentence that met my need for what I'd asked you for in a letter back in December. But, I didn't because that kind of thing can just become awkward (thanks, your welcome, thanks, you're welcome omg where does it end lol) so I think it's best left as it is. I mean, I know you know that I immediately thought "You're welcome" and that I appreciate the confirmation of my readiness to move forward. And I also know that you understand that it's because of the intense overtime we were doing at work until only the last week or so, the fact that I left therapy in December is only now really catching up to me and fully sinking in.