Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVIII

It was nice seeing you last night on the zoom drum circle; I am so glad that it did not feel weird. Maybe I'll see you on there again some week. And btw if you asked him not to put us together in a breakout room, thank you. I almost asked him myself but then I figured eh, once you saw me on there you would take care of it and you know him better than I do, so... I let you.

I kind of have a hard time taking diet advice from you because you are so obese. Its sometimes hard to take you seriously and the stuff you have been telling me to do I've already known. But I don't know. You sitting there telling me to keep eat fruits and vegetables when I truly have an issue with them seems kinda hypocritcal. You are just so closed in it just makes me narrow minded. Also when you tell me 165 pounds is "a little bit heavy" yeah, that is for sure a moment where you shouldn't be talking.

My pdoc does the same thing but he's only seen me in person once in over 2 years so I kinda give him a pass. Medical doctors don't care about my weight.

E: Thanks for the little project for the weekend. It might actually work.

oh and by the way? This leaving therapy is definitely a process. I wish I had known this before I left, maybe we could have talked about it a little. Then again, you've never left therapy completely, have you, because you became a t.... so I'm not sure how much it would have helped anyways.

I miss you

L, I have had a rather big revelation this morning. So I'm sitting here at my desk going through my binder of old poems that I wrote in the late 1970's/early 1980's (one of my poetry prompts for this month is to re-write an old poem, so I'm looking for one to use) and I came across a series of 4 poems that I wrote in 1982 & 1983 to R (you remember, my HS creative writing teacher). As I read over those 4 poems it hit me like the proverbial lightening bolt - how I was feeling about R back then in the months after graduating from HS and going off to college? Well, how I have been feeling about you since I left therapy in mid-December - is so familiar, soft and warm like a comfy old quilt - because it's the same way I felt about R all those many years ago!!


I honestly have no memory at all anymore of the heartache I evidently felt upon first leaving HS and not being able to see her every day anymore (so evident in the first poem of the series). The 3rd poem in the series is where I am now with you. I look forward to getting to the acceptance that is clear in the 4th poem. This is VERY COOL, L. I can't even explain just how cool. It's interesting you know? I saw her every school day, the semester she was my teacher my junior year in 1979, and then also for both semesters during my senior year, we would talk because we were on the same lunch schedule. She'd always eat lunch in her classroom so I'd go there every school day with mine and we'd talk about stuff, look at my poems, whatever. The two of you are so similar in my mind and heart (yes, I know I don't really know you, hush. I mean, the you that I know.) She saw me, in the same way that you did. I felt truly heard when we'd talk, the same way I felt truly heard talking with you. It was only 3 school semesters - but as opposed to weekly or less often with you, I saw her 5 days a week so kinda more comparable than you'd think. I mean duh, it's no WONDER that when my transference was at its peak, that one day when your hair was straight (like hers) I was so absolutely distracted because in my mind your face kept getting switched with her face and it was dizzying and I kept feeling like I didn't know if it was her or you sitting there and I couldn't focus. Totally crazy I know. But that's the truth. I remember telling you about it but don't remember what you'd said. See, that's how I knew for sure that I'd pulled back so many of my gazillion and a half projections/worked through the transference (at least the part that had to do with R, probably never would be able work through the maternal part of it even if I'd stayed in therapy forever), because when I came in for our last session and your hair was fixed like that again - I saw only you, not her at all. This is all so very fascinating. It's funny how I knew that much of it but that I hadn't yet connected all of the dots until I actually left you, too.

Oh T, I feel so alone. It's just typical I feel like this when I told you I wouldn't text you. M always makes me feel so alone. I feel like there's no one who can really help, which is just the way it always is. I'm left to do everything because when the chips are down no one is there. Yes I'm strong, yes I'm independent, but I just wish someone could be there when I really need them, not have to do every darn thing alone or pay someone to help.

My Pdoc likes to bring up my transference T a lot. I don't think he thinks I'm getting as good therapy as I was getting before despite knowing nothing about the situation with either therapist.

It reminds me of the quote from Mean Girls when I think its Gretchen is trying to make the word "fetch" a word and Regina George says "stop trying to make fetch happen. Its not going to happen.

But with my pdoc its like

"Stop trying to make things happen with me and transference T. Its not going to happen."

Literally every session he's always bringing up transference T (or surgery) despite me being happy where I am. Well more happy then I was before anyways.

Two nights of refraining, this will be the third. So so so so tempted, but I just have to keep telling myself that this is like another addiction. I can beat it, one craving at a time. I just need to stay strong and every time I feel the urge I need to remind myself that it isn't helping in the long run. It won't give me what I am searching for. There are other ways to do that. Better ways. I hope.

Dear T,

Only a day and a half to go until our session. The week off was slightly untimely wasn't it, especially with how things were left, but honestly my level of caring is quite low about it. I don't think I am committed to this yet. It's been six months and yet I still don't feel like I have decided whether we are going to do this or not.

I can only guess at what will come up ok Tuesday, but I have written a very long piece of writing for you to read. I wonder whether you will hear it. I wonder what you will think of it. I wonder whether you can both understand and agree.

I know when I brought it up a couple months ago you called it a weird coping skill and then kinda made some comments about me being weird and creepy. So I didn't use it for 2 months because you really upset me. But last night I just said "whatever." And I slept well because of it. I didn't have to misuse melatonin or anything. When I woke up at 11 I was able to get back to sleep right away. I wish you'd be accepting of it even if you don't really understand it. Because what is better. 50mil of melatonin a night or this object that may be slightly unusual but does not harm myself or anyone else?

I have a bunch of questions for you. Hope you're prepared for that, because after the 5 weeks break, my opinion of you is shaky and uninvolved.

Dear T,
I'm sure you realize this sadness isn't just about you going away, right? I mean, obviously, it's part of it. I'm feeling this annoying sense of abandonment, even though I know it's not even a full week. And because I get the sense it's a family trip, so I'd feel bad about bothering you. But I hope you realize it's partly that I have all this other stuff on my mind and I'm down here at the condo alone, so it's had more time to gnaw at me. D, Covid, everything.

And I wonder, too, if it's partly that I was feel particularly connected to you talking about the oven stuff and your telling the story of your wedding cake. So maybe it felt more jarring to then hear you'd be away.

I am glad I scheduled 3 times this week and that I'll see you tomorrow, too, even with it being virtual. Last night, I had started thinking maybe I should have just done once while I'm away (especially as we'll end up with 2 days in a row), then the usual on Friday. But I think this was the right decision.

I need to figure out what to do with myself tonight. Why does it have to be so cold? I mean, we had a couple 70-degree days in February, FFS. Now it's spring, and it's a high of 50? I'm glad you said you'd be whining, too, in this situation. I do think a big part of it was that I waited so long to come back down here (not by choice), so it feels like more pressure to make it meaningful or something.

Also, I think you're right about going to the concert. Maybe if I just make a decision to go to that (barring something really drastic), along with the two after that, then it will give me something to look forward to? But I think I'm scared to look forward to anything right now.... Why can't life just go back to normal? It's been over 2 years.... yes, I know for most people it has, but I wish I could be that way....

Love,
LT

Dear T,
Went for a very chilly walk on the beach to sort of clear my head. Lots of shells out, so I found myself looking for those. (Thankfully, my coat had deep pockets!) It's a rather mindful activity for me, so I think it helped.

I kept instinctively wanting to throw back the shells that weren't perfect, then wondered why I was doing that, like it was very clearly a metaphor. I used to look for shells with my mom--perhaps she taught me that? I mean, it would fit, expectations of perfection in me.

Also, I've thought lately about asking you for the original stone back (and I'd give you back the one I had), especially after thinking I noticed it on the table near me Friday. I know before I thought it had bad juju, but now I realize that maybe it could be a symbol of how we'd (and I'd) gone through difficult times, but made it through. It's a weird analogy, but it's not like couples go out and buy a new wedding ring after a fight (maybe after a separation or something).

This went through my mind as I was walking a dune crossing heading back to the road. I looked down, and what did I see? A very similar stone. Similar shape, with the same cream-colored line bisecting it. Which I took before as symbolic that there was a bond, yet we were separate (or that we were separate, yet there was a bond). A sign? I know, there are likely plenty of rocks like that. But something led me to take that rather meandering path back to the road rather than the more direct one. So maybe I'll just hold onto that one instead?

Love you,
LT

For the first time in therepy I am glad to have an appointment cancelled. When you told me you would be out last week because you were having a lumpectomy due to breast cancer I thought it was not enough time for you to heal. So recieving your cancelation text even was actually a relief I know you are taking your own advice and taking care of your self. I am sorry part of the reason you cancelled is because you also have a cold.

I know you said we will have our Thursday appointment but even if we don't I will be okay with it. Your healing is more important to me right now than therapy. We have plenty of time to work on my issues. Your healing is important now.

wishing there were instructions for
this time after
my emotions wandering around my heart
and finding their way back
to a time before things changed...
before you changed, before I changed
before we changed.
I suppose I'm lucky
that I can go back there at all
even if it's only
in my heart.

Still feeling raw after the other day, although it’s worse for obvious reasons today. I wish I’d seen if we could have had a session today. Can’t control your schedule and don’t want to, but do feel I need to talk. Maybe I will text.

I restarted my shots and I still have zero feelings for you. I was expecting to have some just based on how I've felt other times in my life when my hormone related meds were messed up for a bit. But I guess I should have trusted my doctor when he said I wouldn't notice a change since I've had the surgery. I am glad because I do not want you to be transference T part 2. I never want to deal with that kind of head **** again.

Also its been another 2 pound weight loss since we last met and I'm not sure if either of us will bring it up but I'm sure the food part will be talked about. But its nothing for you to be concerned about. But I think I will bring up the weird door incident from last week.

Dear T,
You're definitely the weird one.

And I'm glad you're good with my planning to email you while you're away.

Love,
LT

Dear T,

Thank you, for hearing me, and for trying your hardest to understand and 'agree', even though I totally get that you fundamentally disagree on some level. Personally, yes, I think you have been 'brainwashed' into believing that all touch in therapy is 'bad'. I think FAR more work needs to be done on the potential benefits of it, even for survivors of CSA. Thank you for saying that back 50 years ago and play therapy was not a recognised form of therapy, so there is no reason why this couldn't be in the future. I understand that it isn't commonplace. I understand that most theories teach that it can be very harmful - mainly because I am sure it can be very harmful, but it can also be insanely powerfully healing, as it was for me. And I am glad that you could see that. Ex T was one in a million, yes.

See you next week.

i wish so many things

I can't believe I pushed you away so effectively this time that I've actually lost you. I guess your investment has changed. I suppose it makes sense since Dr. S got into your head and you were questioning not only if you were helping me but if you were making things worse.

I don't know how I'm going to get through this. I feel so utterly alone. I don't know how I'm going to keep hanging on. Everywhere I turn is a dead end. My world is getting smaller and smaller and the walls are starting to close in on me.

I'm kind of hurt that you haven't responded to my text. I know I have no right to anything from you now and I realize you're probably busy seeing clients. I just feel so unimportant and like I'm screaming for help from you and Dr. S and nobody can hear me. And it doesn't really make sense... I've more or less told you both I'm not feeling safe. I don't understand why I'm the only one alarmed by the direction things are going. It's not like this is normal for me, even when I'm feeling badly.

I told you last month it feels like I'll eventually kill myself. You said if I think that's what's going to happen, it probably will. I'm confused. I thought I was supposed to tell you guys about that stuff. Are you all just burned out and that's why nobody has addressed any of the multiple statements I've made? I don't understand how I'm supposed to deal with this by myself.

And Dr. S, you are full of ****. How can you tell me you hold onto hope for me even though I can't and fail to even ask me about safety when I tell you being alive feels out of my comfort zone?? Also I'm not convinced you are educated about shrooms and I'm even wondering if you're confusing them with MDMA. I don't think you have a good argument for shrooms being "bad for the brain." At least, I don't think there's any evidence whatsoever that they are worse for the brain than antidepressants. I think there's every reason to hypothesize that daily antidepressants have worse long term effects on the brain compared to using a moderate dose of shrooms once or twice a month - or less. So you can **** right off. I respect your opinion but there's so much ignorance and prejudice towards psychedelics and that seems to be playing a big role here. You're acting like I told you I think heroin is a viable option for depression.

Also, I felt like you were talking to me like I don't know the first thing about how my medications work. Maybe that's not fair, but it was frustrating having you dumb down an explanation of neurochemistry. I know more than you think I do. I won't pretend I know a ton, but Jesus, I know what ****ing neurotransmitters are and I know about receptors and all that ****. Hell, you could have said psilocybin is a partial agonist of x, y, and z and I wouldn't have been confused. In fact, you could have referenced the 5-HT2A receptor and you wouldn't have had to tell me that's a serotonin receptor.

Why do you assume I've taken things into my own hands without doing any research?

It's ironic that you're so worked up about the theoretical danger of taking an SNRI and shrooms when there are no accounts of serious adverse interactions in the literature AND I've been on multiple prescription psychotropics that DO have this data. That makes no sense and is overtly biased. Even if there was more than theoretical reason to be cautious, there would not be cause to act like the risk is greater with this combo than any of the others that you were fine with.

I have half a mind to email you with the resources I consulted prior to deciding the risks of shrooms were acceptable to me. You're acting like I'm dropping acid on the daily or taking molly every weekend. I know you know more than me about neurobiology/neurochemistry. I know I'm not an expert. BUT I'm not careless and did my research. People who are in a position to know more than YOU on this topic don't agree with your conclusions and that's where I got my data from.

Therapist - I guess you're not going to reply. Part of me is relishing this. The experience of being neglected when I need help most is oddly comforting because it feels so familiar. That makes me kind of sad for myself, but it's my brain's way of coping with what might otherwise destroy me. So I guess it's for the best.

I know I just mentioned in another thread being super relieved that you are doing virtual again this week. I know I have not been feeling good either and I have especially not been feeling good this afternoon. So it works out for the both of us. But I hope you are not thinking about going back to virtual permanently.