Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVIII

Thanks, Lost, it is helpful. I guess in a way the therapeutic relationship keeps getting redefined.

Thank you for your gentle email. I didn't mean to last less than 24h without emailing you. I feel settled by what you wrote and ready to get on with the rest of my week. I will speak to you next week.

What I was asking to talk about in the next session is weighing heavily on me, tonight, and twisting my mind into mental knots trying to work out what’s best to do. I want to be honest, but is it just going to cause further grief?

I'm not focused on anyone today. Today I have been fine on my own even if I have not been in the greatest mood for some reason. I've been using my mom a lot to help me like you told me to and I even found my old safety plan (I was not in danger) when I was going through old pictures that me and my old therapist made and I realized I do a lot of that stuff already thats on the plan.

I guess I just feel down in the dumps but not about you and I don't feel like reaching out to you about things.

I’m so sorry we went so long, and that I made you cry 😢 It was really hard, showing you that, but you understood. This grief is so so so difficult. I don’t think I could make it through without you.

Ok, so I'm still missing you a lot K, but you haven't been on my mind as much today, and that's good. A bit of respite. I guess I could start asking myself why I am missing you. What is it that I am missing, and how can I get that in my life. Thing is, I already know. And I don't think it is replicable.

You were the mother I never had.

For two or three short but incredible years you filled a role in my life that I didn't think would ever be filled. You became what I needed in order to learn, to grow, to change.

You were there every single step of the way. Every time I faltered, every time I triumphed. Every time I looked around you were there. It took us some time to build the relationship, but those couple of years before COVID hit were absolutely magical, and despite any difficult times we had along the way, my lasting memory is one of warmth and care, happiness and shared love.

That's why I miss you. Because I never had that growing up, and I didn't believe I could ever have that as an adult, until I found Jane and subsequently you.

I miss those feelings.

Sure, I am now in a much better place than I was. Sure, I now have other positive relationships in my life. Sure, I now know how to love and care for myself in ways I couldn't even comprehend when we started. But nothing will ever compare to the feeling of being genuinely supported, genuinely cared about and genuinely loved by a mother figure.

Nothing.

But, I am thankful that I did feel that. I am thankful that I had that time with you. Some people NEVER get that opportunity. I imagine some people will go their entire lives without ever feeling or experiencing those things, so I am grateful, but that doesn't stop me wishing it could last forever. Or even trying to make it last forever. Who in their right mind could give that up easily???

What you gave to me cannot be found in other places. I have tried. Unless I one day stumble upon a like-minded older lady who I connect with, who is as desperate for the love of a child as I am for the love of a mother.

I still think there should be a 'dating' site for this, you know. I wholeheartedly believe that we could make the world a better place for lots of people if we could find a way to bring them together. But, maybe, just maybe, what 'we' had was more special that anything else could ever be because it was done in the confines of the therapeutic relationship. I don't know.

All I know is that I miss seeing your face. I miss hearing your voice. I miss the safety of your room. I miss the feeling of your shoulder. I miss holding your hand. I miss leaving you with a spring in my step. I miss the self growth. I miss the joy. I miss the laughter. I miss the love.

I even miss the challenges. I miss the honesty. I miss being able to tell you everything. I miss your openness. I miss the pain. I miss the tears. I miss the reconnecting.

I miss you. I will always miss you.

Hey L. Well, I got a pretty meaningful message in last night's drum circle.

And now I understand.

These current events have really been upsetting to me and I wish you could say more then "just control what you can and don't worry about what you can't" because it isnt ****ing working and its starting to sound dimissive and like you don't have time. I'm still a frigging anxious mess over everything and I'm not getting the correct news and no matter what I tell myself I can't seem to get my worrying under control.

Dear T,

Yesterday's session left me with that sort of warm, fuzzy feeling that I'd been missing (and that I didn't feel Wednesday, even though we were in person). I occasionally can get that from you via Zoom sessions, but it's more often in person. I guess it's mostly a feeling of connection? But it lasted until this morning. Which was nice. (I guess it's still here a bit, too?) I think I had to let my self-protection down in order to allow myself to feel it, like let down the walls. The walls may be protecting me (to some level) from hurt, but they're keeping me from connection as well.

And thanks for replying last night to my brief email. I appreciated the smiley. I'm thinking maybe you're happy to be back in person, too? I know it may not last, but it's still nice while it does (I'm trying to think of it that way).

Love,
LT

I make it five more sleeps. Being honest about the impact Steve's leaving had on me is hard.

Oh gosh, L. I just got some not-good news from back home and you're the one I want to talk to about it, of course... I think it's going to be okay but of course there's no crystal ball to tell us for sure. I talked to my sister a little and that was helpful.

I feel like at your age you are still too young to be at a group practice. Just based on how you are with me and the way therapy has been going. But I don't know. Maybe its the age thing getting in the way again. Or something I'm doing. But even the 30 year old therapists I've had were still at schools and hospitals and treatment centers and not in group practices yet.

I just don't feel like I'm getting enough from you in a 45 minute session. And I tell you this but you don't seem to get it.

I know you don't know me too well yet, but I need reasons not to use again. Please.

Hi T, just remembered something last night that I can’t remember if I told you or not, but really it’s just another tiny part of the same weird mess you already do know about, so it doesn’t feel worth mentioning other than I’m curious to know your opinion.
21 days to go. I’m nervous but excited.

....it's related of course to the only reason I would come back to see you instead of finding a new t.

Dear T,

Come on then genius... Where do we go from here? If you know best? If you know it all?

I feel angry towards you right now. Why? Maybe because you aren't K. Maybe because it seems to me like you are judging the type of work that we did together. You will probably say that you aren't, but your comment of "yes, well THAT seems ok" only implies to me that you don't think that some of what we did was 'ok'. But who are you to say what is right and what is wrong. Who are you, the head of world therapy or something? The head of people in general? Are you God? No. No you aren't. You don't know me. You haven't got a clue.

I did warn you that I might be your worst nightmare didn't I. I gave you the option to say "no thank you". I gave you the opportunity to ask me to leave. But you didn't. And sadly for you that means (in my opinion) that you have to put up with this s**t from me. Sorry not sorry.

Adult me could address this differently, of course I could. I could be all prim and proper and logical and rational, but that isn't my process. My process is allowing whichever part of me is pushing forwards to come forwards, in a way that I never was allowed to before. My process is listening to myself. Allowing myself. And right now THIS is what's coming up for me, so THIS is what we have to work with.

I think you are a useless idiot. And you are going to have to work quite hard to show me otherwise.

E: The more I think about last night's session, the more I am so grateful to have you in my life.

You don't know about my history about REM behaviors and falling down stairs night terrors and that stuff since they haven't happened in 2 years. After last night though I'm a bit concerned. I don't know how or what you can do or say that will help me. So much of what you say is just armchair psychology.

Its like from The Sixth Sense " you're nice, but you cant help me" At least thats how I feel sometimes. I feel like all the progress I've been making I've been making on my own without you. Since you seem to be barely there for me anyways.

To be honest I don't feel like we have made progress. I think the ones who have actually helped me out are my endocrinologist and my pdoc. I think they are the ones making a diffrence for me. Then I'm helping myself by losing weight and getting into a better sleep habit. But what excatly have you done for me since we started meeting in October besides calling me weird, creepy, "pretty" passable, made comments about my eyes and put up really strong boundaries where it is legit impossible for me to make any progress because of them?

Like tell me what you have actually done for me in comparsion to the other people on my team.

I'll be pissed at you on here but then in the session I'll be calm and passive and sometimes I just want to tell you I'm legit pissed about how some of the sessions have been going and how sometimes I'm really unhappy and angry with you and I want you to tell me what progress we are making. Because I know I've made progress. But I want you to tell me if its coming from you or someone else.

I don't know if I'll be able to say all that in a way that doesn't sound like I'm verbally attacking you and being angry.

**** why am I still so angry? I thought everything was out of my system.

Hey T,

So it's probably a good job I can write here instead of writing you! Ha... yeah, I don't think you are useless, or an idiot, and I certainly don't expect you to 'put up' with that kind of stuff from me, but I do think we should probably try and work with some of it. I just don't know if we can. You mentioned 'keeping me in an adult state', but I'm not entirely sure how it works if I can't access those feelings? Which I can't when I am in an 'adult state'. Anyway, almost want to say sorry, but don't really think I've anything to be sorry for...

I think you know who has blocked me. I’m really hoping I’m wrong and just thinking the worst as usual, but I’ve got a strong, bad feeling. I’m trying to think how you might respond and channeling that, but it’s still horrible.

Wow, weird but maybe important dream. I was in a place where we were told there was going to be a bomb. It was an exam test too, to see if we could escape on time. Everyone was rushing to get out but there was someone on the floor and I was trying to help them. They were grabbing on to me and I couldn't leave them there. There were also lots of plants that needed to be saved. I thought everyone was doing the same thing, but actually looking back now maybe they weren't. Anyway, by the time I had done these thinhgs, I just couldn't get out in time and the simulated bomb went off. This happened two times. It just seemed like an impossible task. I was doing everything as quickly as I could but there was no way that I was able to do it all and escape in time. So I went to the instructor and asked her to help me. Begged her to help me. She said no. She said I had to figure it out on own. I cried and said that I couldn't do it, and that surely it was her job to help me figure out what I was doing so wrong that it was impossible. If everyone had struggled and failed, or if it was just close and I needed practice I would understand, but not this. This was clearly a problem that needed someone's input and she wasn't willing to help. It made me angry. I got angry. After a while she approached me and asked if we could talk. She said she had sought advice and that actually I was right, it was her job to help, and she said she planned to help me figure out where I was going so wrong... Then I woke up

I wish I would see you today/ tomorrow, but now, it's still a week. My ax is through the roof today and I have to work and prepare some things for the Ukrainians. The appointment with the P is this week though, so maybe it's good my ax is rising, so he'll give me drugs as you wanted xd

just heard from my sister, the situation there is improving, hopefully it continues to improve ...

I'll tell you on Wednesday about how I saw my new blood doctor today and how its going to be a regular thing with her as well and now she is added to the long list of other specialists I see. I am 29 years old and I see more doctors then my 70 year old mom. I don't really care if you are concerned or not. I am personally more worried about passing out on Thursday and I'd like that to be the focus of our discussion.