Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVIII

I was listening to the song Broken today and it reminded me of you for some reason. Even though I have no idea about what your past was like.

Also are you going to be proffesional tommorow or are you going to sit there and soak in your awesomeness and just get annoyed with me the whole time and call me sir?

My head hurts and I am tired. Tired all the time. Do something for heaven's sake. Love me harder!

I wasn’t sure what to expect from today’s session and was a bit worried about how heavy it got so quickly. But you listened when I said I didn’t want to go there and the general chatting thereafter was nice. It doesn’t surprise me one bit that you don’t like camping. I’m now getting great amusement at the thought of you out in the countryside camping, especially if you had to deal with bad weather. Makes me chuckle. You definitely seem more like a hotel with all the amenities type of guy! 😬😄😬

I want him back, I want to turn back the clock and SHUT THE DAMN DOOR.

Omg T, is this the first “rupture” i am having with you? If I disagree with you, it is always minor and not worth bringing up. I knew if I didn’t write that email to you tonight, that next week I would never say anything about how I feel.

This feels like two diametrically opposing views, and I am telling you I just don’t believe yours. And I am going to cause you to get mad at me. Please don’t.

*anxiously awaits a reply*

So here we are, T....in our first major rupture. You really messed up. It feels awful.

I've wanted to cry all afternoon after telling you that I'm going to stop contacting you between sessions. It feels like a terrible loss. I know I might not manage it but I need to try because it will mean shifting the focus from you to managing my own stuff. But oh my god, it hurts unbearably. I feel awful.

Whew. I guess you are not mad at me. I guess it is good to tell you how I feel when it feels “off” between us. Thanks, T.

Everything feels pointless and meaningless.

I just realized I haven't texted you since our last appointment. I guess that's just one more coping mechanism I've abandoned as ineffective. Took a long time for me to really accept nobody can do anything for me and that this is just my life now. The instinct to take action when something is going so very wrong with me seems to have been substantially weakened by the fruitlessness of my efforts. I've become so habituated to the anxiety of the situation that I not only understand but accept I am going to continue to feel this way for the foreseeable future. I wonder if that will ever change, but I no longer assume I can't go on like this. Clearly, I can. No more desperate scrambling for something that can change things. There's no light at the end of the tunnel and I've stopped straining my eyes trying to find one.

Oh, well. Best to just get on with serving out this sentence called life.

Thanks for telling me that funny story about the situation in your office. You don't tell me stuff like that anymore so it was nice to hear something diffrent for once about yourself.

I don't know if you'd do this or not, but my last T did so it's what I'm expecting. Please don't minimize my relapse. Or anything else for that matter. My old T would be fine with me telling her I'm in touch with an old abuser, showering once a week, getting high, etc. Nothing was ever a problem, but somewhere along the line I'd cross it unknowingly and she'd hospitalize me. Please don't be like her in anyway. If I'm only showering once a week, that's a problem. If I'm getting high, that's a problem. and I tried my homework. I went to an NA meeting and meditated. I didn't like either.

I am tired, L. I think now that our overtime at work has pretty much ended, after close to 3 months of it - life is now catching back up to me starting with our ending in mid-December. The big stuff that's been happening (my cat passing away, saying goodbye to you, the huge, very real scare with my SIL, H's new heart problem that we're still getting diagnosed, my mom being in the hospital, etc) it's all piling up on me at once today. My brain feels like it is full of nothing but scribbles made with a broken pencil and my body feels like an empty shell that is going through the motions with no thoughts, no feelings, no soul. I can't focus. I processed barely half of the amount of work that I usually do in a day. I know in the long run it won't hurt my stats if it's just one day but still. I hate being so unproductive. Feeling like an empty shell does not feel good. I'm hoping I'll be able to sleep tonight, tomorrow is another day, I need to go do some more writing, and find my way through this. I know I have the tools, and tomorrow evening is the weekly drum circle, I know that will help too.

I can't help myself. I'm sorry, for me and for you. Its like an addiction. A puzzle that needs solving but I can't seem to solve. I just can't keep away from it and it's driving me crazy. I wish I could know. I wish I could be a part of it. I wish, I wish, I wish. But I also know it wouldn't be what I dream it to be. So maybe I'm better off outside? Miss you. Miss seeing you. Miss the life I had with you in it.

I miss you so much already. This is just ridiculous. But the problem is you stopped replying. I know you're really busy and it's not a reflection on our relationship, but more and more you weren't replying and I felt disconnected from you. I need to try and hold onto our relationship in my head and not crave you all the time. I will have to move on eventually, I know that. I just wish it wasn't so hard. I feel this aching longing in my heart and it's like a deeply painful letting go even though you haven't gone anywhere and I know we'll always be in each other's lives in some form. I need to get through this somehow and not give in. It doesn't help that you have so many people in your life - family, friends, partner, clients - I have you and one or two others, that's it. I don't think you can possibly know how unbearable this is.

Hey L. This morning I'm wearing two of my crystal necklaces the citrine one that you never got to see and the fluorite one that I'm pretty sure you did. I don't want the brain scribbles that I had yesterday!! H was funny he goes "What if they cancel each other out?" I said no crystals don't play like that especially these two.

New, crying child is doing a bit better today, so my sanity is backed off a little off the brink. I say that, but there is still 45 min of nap left for him to scream!

I hope whenever I do go back on my injections I don't get feelings for you. So far I haven't really except for a couple moments. But being off them for over a month and then going back on them may bring back stuff I don't want to feel. The thing is at this moment I don't like having crushes on people but when I'm on any kind of hormones I really enjoy getting turned on by people since it gives me this almost kinda high feeling. But I think it confuses cis straight women when I like them. Because they forget that I am a dude who still has a vagina.

Oh and that table was for sure very close to the couch that one time. Which is why you were watching me and making sure I didn't knock it over and everything on it. I noticed yesterday it was moved back.

I was honest with you about the melatonin. I told you I'm up to 40mil a night and I think your only response was like "dude!" Or something like that. I am trying. Really I am. But once the injections get into my system I don't know whats gonna happen. With my transference T I was an angry horny asshole. With you, I'm not. Hopefully it stays that way.

I feel backed into a corner. I wish I hadn't ever allowed myself to be vulnerable. I should have protected myself from this. I'll be careful not to make the same mistake again. I don't get to have anybody and I know that. I shouldn't have allowed myself to let you trick me but it was so hard to resist.

I did not share a major life event with you today because I feel like my response makes me look petty. I am also aware that combined with other recent events I am at risk for developing a depressive episode. I should probably call you but I won't.

Proud of myself. I realised I am hurting myself by my actions, so I promised myself I wouldn't do it last night and I didn't. I hope I can keep it up. I'm not convinced, but I can but try. I don't want to be stuck in that rut, and I know I'm the only one who can get me out of it.

Dear T,
It meant a lot how you said, "I'm not running a stopwatch or anything," when I started crying again right when it was time to leave and said I knew I had to go. It didn't feel like you were trying to get me out the door, that you were trying to give me the time I needed (I mean, I think if I'd sat there another 10 minutes, you'd have had to get a bit pushy, but an extra minute or two was no big deal to you). That might seem like a little thing, but having had a T who *has* been like, "You need to leave" (ex-T), it meant something.

I did briefly consider this morning that maybe I should have just met with you virtually today, partly due to your recent travels, but also because it will be virtual early next week anyway due to *my* being out of town. So I wasn't sure if it would feel more disruptive/confusing for me to go back and forth. But I'm glad I saw you in person today (I mean, assuming you didn't just give me Covid!).

Love,
LT

I am too lazy to make my own smoothies. And buying them from a smoothie shop everyday is too much money. But I did buy a case of them today from Sams Club for not much money. Since you keep bringing up smoothies. But I just can't eat straight up fruit. So I hope you'll be happy with just the smoothies. And I know we talk about protein shakes. I did get some of those today. But I also got Slim Fast. I'm not sure how you feel about that one since it is actually for weight loss and I don't know if you'll think I'm heading in the wrong direction. But since you do legit talk at each session about how I should be drinking smoothies and protein drinks I will tell you about them and the slim fast as well and it won't be some kind of "fantasy" of mine to get you to be concerned about me.

You were right when you said I was paranoid but for the wrong reasons. I don't think wanting out of my relationship is indicative of paranoia, but thinking he wired the house was. I'm taking my PRN antipsychotic now. Maybe going back on naltrexone would be good too. I'm not going to contact my NP but I'll bring it up at our next appt (TBD).
Also, maybe don't make me remind myself how good feeling high feels in the future.

I want to scream and I want you to hear me scream and I want you to do something because I am screaming.

Re. the side quest we’re on - I feel like I’m going to break the rules in non-catastrophic ways and prove your ‘warnings’ wrong in the end. I wish we were having a session on Tuesday afternoon but agree it probably would be too much, since we’re meeting on Sunday. I’m nervous and glad you’ll be with me, I have no real idea if I’ll get upset, or to what degree, while talking about my childhood. But overall, can’t believe it’s happening at all. It still feels like a dream and I’m not sure I want to wake up yet.