[Waterbear]

I feel like I'm going mad.
Last May was when I had my last proper therapy session with T.
And November we officially 'ended' the work.

Thing is, it's beyond me how five years of deep relational therapy can be wrapped up and written off in one single session, and I know that I haven't had the closure here that I want.

I also know that I am confused as to what kind of 'relationship' me and my Ex T have now. We are loosely in touch. Basically, if I text or send a letter/card, she wil respond.

The hardest this is that I just cannot get her out of my head. I must think of her over 50 times a day on average. Maybe even more. She's right there with me all the time, and I can't deal with it. Not only is she in my waking thoughts, she is in my dreams sometimes too.

I'm trying to do everything right. I'm eating well; I'm excercising; I'm working hard on my business; I'm reaching out to friends; I'm doing nice things; I'm planning for th future; I'm really trying in therapy. But none of it is helping to get her out of my head.

Ok, random thought time. Maybe those aren't the right things in this instance?? But then what is? Get mad with her? I'm not sure that's the most helpful thing to do.

I wish I could just say "hey, K, please can we talk?" but I'm scared to, and even if I did, and even if she agreed, what the hell would I say. Voicing my thoughts and opinions has never been something I've found easy, but I'm this occasion I just wish I could meet her and talk to her face to face, adult to adult.

Would it help though? God I don't know. I'm so lost.

[Lonelyinmyheart]

I really feel for you in this. I know how I'd feel if something similar happened with my T who I absolutely love and have a very close relationship with.

Only you can know what might be helpful in your situation, but I think if it were me I'd be tempted to put all this to my (ex)T and ask for a meet up to try and find some closure by talking. As you say, you're doing all the right things, but you can't find a way to move forward, so maybe actually seeing her would give you something that allows you to do that.

On the other hand, maybe the only answer is to give it more time AND perhaps stop contact. I say that very hesitantly because in all honestly I'm not sure I could do it if it were my T and she was responding to my messages. In fact I know I couldn't. But I might try and reduce contact down so that I don't get 'triggered' into missing her each time she sends something back. I might reach a point where I felt that was the only feasible option. But I've never been in your situation with the abrupt ending you had so I honestly don't know.

You ARE being really strong here. You're clearly doing everything you can to take care of yourself. Maybe there's no clear solution and the only option is to give it some more time.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

[Rive.]

One of the hardest thing with endings is the lack of closure. It is hard to walk away or move forward in life when there is unfinished business keeping us stuck.

It feels like there is a lot of pain, a lot of things unsaid and some(?) confusion. Maybe you would like to process some more, seeing you ended about 3-4 months ago?

But your desire to ask T 'hey, can we talk' seems a good idea. It might help. As to what to say - anything that is weighing on your heart. A frank, honest, discussion. Maybe (just asking for you to think about, not to post here) consider what you would like to hear back from T? This might also help you formulate what/how you want to say things to her or clarify your hopes or expectations if we were to have a chat with T. I do believe in speaking one's truth, even if things don't work out. This way one won't be holding even more suffering within.

I don't think anger is the answer either (as you write) because there seems to be love here and a lot of pain. So, honouring the pain feels more... authentic.

But I am glad you are taking care of yourself in the meantime. Very painful situation..

[LonesomeTonight]

In my experience with my former marriage counselor, time was one of the biggest factors. Have you noticed any decrease at all in the amount of time you've thought about her, even if it was, say, 50 times a day instead of 60? Or are you feeling any differently when you think of her, like maybe you're feeling less sad or maybe even smile at an occasional memory? If so, those things would suggest you may just need more time.

However, I'm also going to mention what Lonely suggested--that, as much as you may not want this, it might help to stop contact, at least for a certain amount of time. I feel part of what prolonged my grieving over ex-MC is that I would periodically email him and he'd reply (something short, but still, it was something). So it kept the connection alive and kept me from fully grieving the loss. In one of his replies to me, he BCCed my T, and that really bothered me, so I didn't contact him again for a long time. And I found that helped, and I no longer felt the desire to contact him and didn't think of him much. Maybe it was partly being angry at him for the BCC, but I think the lack of contact helped.

I understand your desire to meet with or talk to your ex-T again to get some answers. I had the same desire. And I never got to do that. But I did get him to answer a particular question over email. It didn't really help. Just keep in mind that even if you do meet with her, it may not help in the way you think it will. It may just bring up more questions or basically start the grieving process over again.

Just some things to think about from someone who's been in a similar place. I'm sorry you're dealing with this...

[wheeler]

I have dealt with the same thing with each therapist I’ve been with. First thing I thought about when I wake up and last thing I thing about at night.
It’s taking me a long time to get to a place that I don’t do that as much. Sometimes it tears it’s ugly head and a spiral into anxiety. I’m not sure what shifted but I am no longer in that headspace, usually. For me it was a lot of talking and taking her down from the pedestal I had her on.

[JaneTennison1]

Currently going through this with ex EMDR therapist. It's worse that I know she will answer my calls/texts/make an appointment because it just makes the desire to reach out that much worse. Maybe writing an email would help?? Sending it or not I don't know but just writing.

I miss everything t was in my life but I also know it's time to move forward. I wish I could stop thinking about her though.

[Amandae8787]

I know the feeling, a little bit at least. I have to quit seeing my T because I’ve been diagnosed with borderline and she’s not qualified to work with me. I know that I need more help than she can give me. But still, it hurts so much. I think about her constantly. I cried so much during our last session, two weeks ago. But I’m sort of lucky because we’re going to see eachother again in two weeks. It’s a follow-up session. Honestly I think she triggered my attachment wounds pretty bad. My new T is more experienced and structured in treatment. But still I miss my old T everyday. I start to write an email to her almost everyday. But I don’t send it. I know I have to learn to work with my new T and I can’t do that if I’m writing my old T. So I’ll stop myself.

My old T normally only sees clients for short therapy, like 10-15 sessions. But I’ve seen her a lot longer, 1,5 years, though not every week. My new T says that we have all the time in the world, that there’s no rush. And I have my session the same time every week. But I find it so hard to trust her.

I think that my old T got a bit… attached to me aswell. I don’t know If that’s the right word for it, but it was like she wanted to take care of me. And I just wanted her to do that aswell, it was what I’ve wanted my whole life, a mom-like figure to take care of me. Sometimes I got the impression that she really was holding herself back, but sometimes she would like give me a big hug or say that she would never forget me, that she had never met anyone like me, stuff like that. I asked her if she ever thinks about me when we’re apart and she said ”Of course I do, you’re in my heart, don’t you feel that?”

I don’t think I’ll ever meet someone like her again. And I’m really sad that she couldn’t help me anymore.

[Favorite Jeans]

I don’t think there’s anything you can do about that other than know that the intensity of it will lessen with time. In my experience with many kinds of relationships, closure isn’t really a thing I’ve gotten from further contact. Still I always imagine one more conversation in which loose ends are tied and I’m left with acceptance.

What has been helpful to me has been learning to grieve. Identifying the feeling, allowing myself to feel it, distracting myself and then returning to it and finding a place to talk about it or write about in all it’s repetitive tediousness. The thing to bear in mind is that there’s nothing wrong with you for feeling this way.

[Brown Owl 2]

I also can’t get my T (who I stopped seeing 15 months ago as I couldn’t go on), out of my head. I don’t consciously think of her, but she is there every day. Someone once said to me that therapy is a treatment that carries on working even after you’ve stopped. I suppose if it was a helpful, positive relationship, that ended well, I can imagine that carrying that inside you could be helpful (if it’s true). My feeling is that right now, it’s best for me to just accept that my T is stuck in my head (it’s not positive). I don’t think I can do anything about it. I just observe it, I don’t react to it. I think that therapy is hazardous, for some of us. If anyone has any way of dealing with it, I’d love to know. I think that imagery rescripting of the relationship could help, but right now I feel that it’s best for me to steer clear of therapy.

[Favorite Jeans]

I wonder if something like this could help:

Can a blood pressure drug help ease the painful memory of an ex? - BBC News

It sure would be efficient… Maybe worth a try if you can find someone who’ll do it with you?