Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

I remember one of the best if not the best therapist I had telling me a funny personal story about her Y2K expirence. Thats the kinda stuff you share with your clients. Not some strange stuff about your mental health issues or stuff about your other clients or comments about my appeareance.

I am so glad that Friday is therapy day. I don't know how I am going to handle these anniversaries.

You told me to keep you updated but I don't want to send the email right now because your probably just getting into your office now after the weekend and I don't want to seem too needy or desperate.

You know what I said about big things always happening during breaks?
Well, that.


I'm relieved it wasn't anything more serious, but...still, medical things.

I'm having a rather bad day, L. Hearing so much negative stuff on the news this morning (h won't turn it off) I'm becoming very afraid for the future of our country. I can feel some Very Dark Thoughts trying to creep in because of what I've been hearing from the news lately and also some other stuff that has been happening closer to home. I hope this 8-week thing through work starts giving me some useful stuff soon. I'm exhausted from pretending like I'm fine. I'm honestly the polar opposite of fine.

@ArtieTheSequal how about wireless headphones for the old man?

I need to try to find some. Thanks, Una. I had intended to look for some awhile back and somehow it got lost in the shuffle.

eta: I just ordered a pair on Amazon.

Artie - i feel like dr evil, sitting in my chair and plotting devious solutions!

T, I could really do with you not being away again this week. Though I do wonder if the regular breaks actually help me to 'get stuff done' in the session before. I'm wondering if you are noticing any patterns. I meant what I said though, you do take a lot of holidays, but your response of it being what you need to do in order to stay... Can't remember the word, but present? Grounded? Settled? I get that, but just feeling like I would have liked a session this week. There'll be a lot to cover when I next see you!

What does through August 10th mean? We have an appointment on the 10th... so will you actually be there? Honestly I'm starting to find this all just very funny.

I told him I ordered them for him, and he is actually excited. Go figure!

I'm so tired. Also, why is my throat sore again?! And my cough getting worse. Come on now!

Thanks for replying to my email that I sent yesterday morning. And then that confirms that you will be there tommorow.

Okay, fine. You have a point. I'll explore it. I hope you realize this will be painful for me. You'd better be there when I crumble, when I cry and hallucinate. 2 years seems like a joke to do this in. Thanks, btw

Dear T. Please give me a good session tonight. I need you. Kit

Hey L. When the alarm rang this morning and I read the nightmare I'd written down just after h had woken me up from it, I started working with it right away using robert moss's steps. Been working it in the back of my mind all day. And I figured it out, of course. You taught me well this dream work stuff. I can even hear you laughing... as if I had actually just told you what I figured out. Laughing not at me, but in delight that I figured it out. I loved that about you. I have more work to do with it of course, next will be an Active Imagination in which instead of banging on the door and yelling get out, I invite my shadow inside for tea... because that is of course who was outside the door, my shadow handily in human form...

...I wonder how this is going to be, combining shadow work with this other stuff... but I must do both to survive in this crazy, beautiful world.

I hope this cough goes away by Friday, E. I will certainly need a hug

Soooo, there is a potential for an exciting development at work. I say exciting, as soon as I was told I felt like I had stuff bubbling up inside, and I had to try and keep it under wraps while talking to my manager. I'm not allowed to talk to anyone about it, but I was dying to all day. Spoke to R when I got home and he shares my excitement, this could be a great opportunity if it comes up. And then today I'm motivated. Wanting to get my files in order and update all my stuff, just in case. That's excitement, right, I feel it. And if I'm excited by it, it means I want it? I'll have to keep my fingers and toes crossed because this has been 7 years in coming, is desperately needed by the organisation and would be the perfect move for me, I think.

Sorry but I do not have the mental energy to concentrate on this homework you gave me. I had planned on doing it yesterday until yesterday went to hell and this morning I'm just focusing on not coming to our session completely woke the way I was the last time we met. I took one valium but I don't want to drink any caffeine because I'm trying to keep things calm. Currently with the valium and the peppermint tea I feel decent but spacey which I'm trying to fix without bringing back the anxiety.

Dear T: thanks for the session last night. I am glad we are twice a week right now as I feel I could use the support. HUG kit

That was kinda an odd comment you made when you said "do you feel like if people of that nationailty are eating at that resturant then the food is authentic?"

I honestly don't know what we were even talking about.

Dear T,
I miss you.
Love,
LT

I am feeling fragile, emotionally fragile. My guess is that the transition from Inpatient Hospitalization to the real world has not been entirely smooth. Last time I was hospitalized, I had no trouble jumping right back into the real world, but, unfortunately that is not the case this time.

This time it is almost like I could have used a buffer period. Where I went to work part of the day for a few days and then stayed home for part of the day. I don't know how practical that would be to actually work out in the workplace.


To go from Inpatient Hospitalization--where all the decisions are made for you and you are entirely dependent on others for all your needs--to the real world where one has to pull it together and act cool, confident, and in control--well it is quite the act to make that seem as though it were the case.


Perhaps there may be some overwhelm in my system. I am guessing here, but it might be so. Usually I can be very high functioning and manage quite fine in the real world. This time though, it seems much more difficult.

I think I am being overly sensitive. Aside from that I think I am being overly critical of myself. I keep having these feelings of shame, disappointment and embarrassment that I had to go to the hospital again. Somehow it got out around Church that I was in the hospital. I don't know if people knew it was the psych hospital, but I received a card from four ladies who hang out together, and some texts from people. While these things should make me feel good, I feel randomly violated that it came out that I was hospitalized. Is violated the right word? I looked it up. The online dictionary says that one meaning is: failure to respect a person's peace, privacy or rights. Yes, I think that is a good definition. I don't know why I am feeling this way. Baffling. I am pretty open about my mental health struggles.


Today I have come close to tears a few times, and I am not a crier so that is a warning sign to me, only I'm not sure what the warning is about. I haven't actually cried. But I've gotten teary eyed.


Part of me that wants to self harm wants to punish me for having to go to the hospital. Sigh. I know that the hospital was a good choice and a good option. But that is head knowledge. The emotions do what they want. Part of me that wants to self harm is saying, "hey, I'm not doing the greatest still. Let's not just act like everything is okay." Even though that is what I am doing, acting like everything is okay. And some stuff is legitimately better: the suicidal thoughts for example. But it isn't a magic pill or something, going to the hospital. It doesn't automatically change everything for a person. The struggle is still very much real. The battle still wages.xoxoxo Kit

Hugs, Kit....

How can a person be what they’re not and why would they want to? It’s in my DNA. Can a twin not twin? I don’t try to twin. I am a twin. I don’t do it, I am it. Sounds unhealthy but a twin would hear me and sometimes you do. I know no other way and not convinced it’s possible. Not sure I want to know another way.

New ground. Help me T. It hurts.


I know you know. It hurts.