Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

You're never there in a crisis. How can you be a part of my crisis plan if you're not there? Why didn't you check your phone. You were emailing me after I called... I'm about done with it all.

Dear T,
I was thinking about it--is it possible that what you considered my "pushing" more over the past 3-4 months or so just me asserting myself? And maybe feeling safe enough to do so with you?

I mentioned to you at one point how I had wondered if part of why we'd avoided conflict (for the most part) during the pandemic was because I was avoiding bringing things up you said/did that bothered me, how I was struggling so much at different points during the pandemic, plus some of what was going on with D, that I didn't want to risk losing your support or at least having you pull away. Not walking on eggshells so much as just not rocking the boat (to mix my metaphors).

And then I got tired of doing that or perhaps it's that I started trusting the relationship more--or both--so now I'm just being honest with you when something bothers me. But you experience it as "pushing" because I held back on it for so long. Which implies a negative. But maybe it's actually growth for me?

Love,
LT

Dear T,

You really don’t use reflective listening during our sessions and I find it odd. It’s really basic and you’ve been doing this for years. I would really benefit from more empathy but I don’t think this is something I can ask for really as it will then seem very manufactured. Challenging me is fine, T. It doesn’t really hurt that much but it makes me question your competency when you don’t empathize or validate along with it. Am I that hard to empathize with? I will do my best not to blame myself and since you’re the professional I will give you back that responsibility. I don’t think I need to see you anymore, especially if you are only going to blame me for all my problems. I know I’m the common denominator - I really don’t need you to point it out again. I’m doing my best and that’s going to be good enough for me even if it’s not for you. And I’ll just keep seeing you monthly to show I’m trying. I really don’t believe in therapy much anymore anyway.

I never got a response from you. I'm not really suprised. I've been there before with people who say "reach out to me if you need me" yet never respond when I do. I was just emailing you though like you asked me to do because you wanted an update on my med situation.

Another thing you said that I found kinda odd was when I said I used to be 236 pounds and you said "236 pounds?! I can't imagine that on you!" I mean maybe I'm wrong but maybe you could have worded that better?

Hello K,

I miss you. I wish I could have a hug with you. You gave the best hugs ever 🤗 I wish I could speak to you. For an hour... Though I know that still probably wouldn't be enough to satiate my missing you!!

Love you x

Hi R,

I hope you understand why I sent that email.
It's important to me that we're on the same page.

Four more sleeps...

Lost

Thanks for that email response this morning and the Iink to The Trevor Project. It meant a lot. I feel like you do care even if we arent on the same page about my weight loss.

Dear T,
It just felt weird with you over virtual today. I know part was probably the migraine, but I've had those plenty of times when talking to you. I felt the distance there. It didn't help, too, that you kept looking out the window--maybe the reason you've had to be home for a few days is that they're doing work on the outside of your house or something? Like redoing your driveway or whatever. Or you were just watching a bird or squirrel.

I really do appreciate you sharing the story about borrowing the truck. Helped to know that you sometimes overask for things and get rejected for it in some way, too. And just your mentioning again of people bailing on you in your life (at first I thought you meant clients, then I realized you must have meant your outside life, as you said sometimes due to mental illness--presumably, a majority of your clients have some sort of mental illness!)

I'm glad you were able to switch me to Thursday so that we can meet in person the other two times this week before you go out of town. I feel like if the only in-person were to be Friday, then it might have felt like a lot of pressure on that, then you'd be away for a week. I initially thought maybe I should just keep Wednesday virtually, but when I saw you pop up on my screen, I just felt a bit sad and distanced, so thought I'd go for Thursday in person instead.

Love,
LT

I don't understand your text. Did you mean that we are to have no contact now? It sounds like you are putting me off texting. That's what's really hurt me. It sounds like you don't want me to and I've seen you on WhatsApp so it makes no sense whatsoever

You said in your email "you really are at a good weight for yourself." Which is just getting me a bit confused and worried since our next session isn't until next week and my weight keeps steadily going down. So I'm not really sure what to do. I think I'd feel better if I could wear jeans and hoodies all the time instead of shorts and T shirts.

Honestly not looking forward to tomorrow. I have no idea how to do this work. No idea how to talk to you. No idea if you have any idea what you are doing. No idea about any of it. I didn't write to you in my journal again. I just have no idea what to say. It all feels like a massive waste of time, money and energy if I'm honest. I hate being defeatest but I just feel so lost with it all.

Dear T and E: owwww. my throat hurts! *stamps foot and whines*

New Pdoc,
Please like me! And please be nice to me. I really need another person on my team I can trust.

T,

Wow... a 3 week gap in sessions seems really long now, yet I used to see you once a month! I am grieving the loss of a dream, but it's not actually lost, so I don't understand. I'm also definitely grieving my family throwing me away, but you've said that's not new. Some of it is new, because it's my younger brother, T...

Dear T, so, maybe you do know what you are doing after all. Funny, I expected you to pick up on that over and above everything else. I can only imagine it's my feeling out of control that had left to me... Suggesting? That you have no idea what you are doing.

I feel really really strange right now. I'm not sure what it is, but I can't say it's a pleasant feeling. My head feels really tight and I my body feels really tired. I've come out for a walk, and I'm just sitting by the water at the harbour watching the boats sailing in the wind. I wonder if this feeling is me processing what we talked about today.

I guess I'm glad you took us down that path. There were two reasons I didn't want to tell you. One was definitely that I had things in my head I wanted to say, and answering your question took us away from that, but the other was indeed shame, and a general dislike for talking about anger. There's a great deal of work to do around that, so yeah, in a way I'm glad your persevered and 'made us go there'.

My physical reactions took my by surprise. The first time I flinched, and went to protect my head. The second time, the tears came, and I don't understand why. Didn't understand why. Maybe I do now. Maybe it makes me sad that as a young person I was so scared of anger. Maybe it makes me sad that I'm still scared of it today.

Dear T,
Anxious about the test today. I'd say I wish you could be there with me, but that would be really weird considering what they're doing!

Love,
LT

Sometimes I feel like you are micromanaging my weight loss and its really confusing to me. Like will you fire me if I continue to lose more?

And now I feel like I could write a thousand words to you.

I keep thinking that the best thing for me to do is to come back and work with you. I am not caught up with the fact that this isn't an option for me. What happened? Why did you do this?

Two more sleeps...

Dear E: This might be the first time in a year that I have not written you an email after our session. I honestly think that talking about the whole email thing significantly calmed me.

Dear T,
The results are in, and they seem...OK? I have no idea if the one reading would make them want to do that one test again. I really hope not. From my googling, it seems normal enough? I hope? I suppose I will hear from the NP if she's concerned--just hope if that happens, it's at least before Friday's session, if not before Thursday's.

Also, I finally watched "The Reason I Jump." It was OK. Seemed like it was trying too hard to be artistic at times. I got a little insight from it, about how for the one child, it was difficult to distinguish memories from what's going on now. And I found the Sierra Leone portion to be particularly moving. But I'm unclear what message they were trying to convey with the film as a whole--I guess maybe some sort of insight into nonverbal (well, nonspeaking) autism? And sort of seeming hopeful in a sense at the end. I guess I just expected more in some way.

Part of me wishes I were meeting with you tomorrow, but I'd rather wait till Thursday in person than do virtual sooner. In just hope in person works out.

Love,
LT

Doctor,

I am afraid of the path ahead of me. What will I uncover? Pain I've never felt before? I don't want to say something melodramatic like, "My life is in your hands" but in all seriousness, it certainly seems that way. And I don't mean that literally, as if you're going to give me a heart transplant. I mean, I'm trusting you to help guide me through this. Make the most, the best of a situation that may be very unpleasant.

I love you.

L,
I want you to see the child-me. If I was still a child, would you hold me in your arms? Would you nurture me? My longings are so painful. Will they ever go away?