Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

I think writing to you tonight staved off some SH. Thanks in advance, because I know you will respond wonderfully.

i was just thinking how this cbt thing i'm doing seems like it's going to be helpful and already has been in one situation. i hope there's more actual helpful stuff to come. at the moment though, not having had very much sleep again, my brain is full of anxious thoughts and i'm trying the 3 c's thing but getting stuck at the 'catching'. i notice them but before i can move to the next step they take ahold of me and i start the mile-a-minute catastrophizing. I'd stopped it when I said f-it and got out of bed at 3:30am and took a shower, got dressed, bla bla bla but now it's back. It's almost like even though I like the action-oriented, time-limited-ness of this program, ever since the call with my coach the other day I miss talking with you again. Meh.

I do honestly like working with you. Of the therapists I've had since moving here you have been the best and have said the least weird things. I feel like I just need to try a bit harder. Today was rough physically so I'm not sure its just a therapy thing.

Dear T,
I hope this migraine is mostly gone by tomorrow for our session (though I imagine I'll still have some brain-fuzziness, as this one was worse than they have been lately for some reason). Well, and that you return (or have returned) safely.
Love,
LT

LT, I hope your migraine feels better soon! I get migraines and they suck! Boo. Migraine go away! Leave our dear LT alone!

I almost want to text you to ask you to call me, T.

But I can wait until my appointment on Sunday.

So I wait, somewhat impatiently.

Aw, thanks, Kit! I have MaxAlt (a triptan), which usually works, but it's not helping this one as much for some reason. I could take a second dose, but I'm trying to hold out as much as possible, as I can't take more than 2 in 24 hours. Caffeine helped a little.

Dear T,

Sometimes it's really hard to figure out what's going on with me.... R keeps saying tonight that I'm acting really 'strange'. Very very quiet and sullen. Upset. I don't think I feel upset though. But I know something did bother me today. Someone snapped and lashed out at me, not physically but verbally, and I know it shook me. Maybe it is still shaking me. I struggled to tell him but I did when I got home, and he kind of brushed it off, things like that don't upset him the same way as me. Might be useful to talk about it.

I hear you, LT

I take sumatriptan (Generic for Imitrex) and sometimes I have to take a second dose, but like you I can't take more than 2 in 24 hours. I had a migraine when I was at the hospital. It started in the ER and then lasted two days because no one would give me sumatriptan. Only Tylenol. Well Tylenol did nothing for the migraine and just gave me an upset stomach. I was so sick. Finally my Dad brought the sumatriptan down for me to where I was in LA (about 1.5 hours away from me) and then it had to go through pharmacy, and then the doctor had to order it. Ugh. The whole thing was horrible and unnecessary. I finally got the sumatriptan on Thursday afternoon and it worked within 2 hours. I was so mad.

But back to you. Ignore my rant there. I don't know if you could step away from the computer (as sometimes the brightness of the screen messes with me), and lay in a dark room, with either an ice pack or a heating pad, (I use either depending on what works). Try to sleep through the worst of it, if you can. Are you having nausea? Maybe take a little something to settle your stomach. Yes, caffeine helps a little but it's not enough on it's own.

HUGS. I hope you feel better soon! Kit

hope you feel better, LT. my mom gets migraines and she told me one time there's a pressure point on your palm between the base of your thumb and your index finger, I wish I knew the exact word for it, that my dad used to apply pressure to for her that would ease her headaches while she waited for her meds to work. have you heard of that?

Migraine Pressure Points: Ear, Hand, Foot, and Other Locations

This might be what Artie is talking about LT so, Artie, I hope you don't mind that I am piggy backing off of you! HUG

My mom had a big book on reflexology and was pretty big into it when she had migraines as well. Might be worth a shot. HUGS Kit

E: I most likely won’t hear from you by our session tomorrow. It’s okay, really, but my anxious brain will not stop checking my email every 20 minutes.

Edit: Aww thanks 😊

I got those colored tomatos you said you saw at the store. And I've lost almost all of the 5 pounds I gained that I said I wanted to lose by my vacation on Tuesday. You said it would be basically a starvation diet but I've been eating stuff.

I just sent you an email. Because I forgot to tell you I am legally changing my name 2 days before our next session. So I don't think it would be very good if I went in and just said "so I changed my name legally 2 days ago." I swear these tic tacs and Slim Fasts are turning my brain to sludge. Or else its the new med because I have my days and dates all mixed up. I literally looked at my calender and saw the date was a Tuesday and not a Friday and I was like "**** I need to email her."

You still havent emailed me yet but you normally don't until the end of the day so I'm not worried.

Dear T,
I'm sorry about that. I probably shouldn't have mentioned it, or at least not at the end. Though...then I felt sort of stuck reassuring you? What am I supposed to say to "She's probably a better therapist than me"?

I think part of this is that I maybe hoped you'd just say, when I mentioned handshakes, that you'd decided you were OK with them, maybe with certain conditions or maybe after your next trip. So I thought there was a chance we could today, but I didn't say that. And I didn't want to come out and ask, for fear you'd say, "no, not now, and not ever again!" But I imagine you'd have wanted me to actually ask again.... I also would have felt really awkward going into all the meaning behind them that I'd discussed with R, only to have you say "nope!" Maybe we'll have that discussion Monday, what I talked about with her. (Hm, I suppose I could ask before the discussion if you'd made a decision?)

I also just had the realization that maybe some of this is that I feel R is someone else who cares about me (even if I don't see her that often) and with whom I feel safe. And so I don't want to feel that's limited to like 4 or 5 times a year. Like, I can have one or the other of you. But to know I could potentially consult with her, at other times, even if I don't ever pursue that, gives me some sense of security, of safety. I'm not sure if that would make sense to you, but it does to me.

I may end up emailing you--I'll see how I'm feeling a bit later. I know tomorrow is Saturday, but, like you said, today was the first day of your work week. So I feel less bad emailing you--plus I didn't while you were away. I do wonder, too, if some of this was just my holding it all in while you were gone, not wanting to admit to you today that, even though I hadn't reached out, I did really miss you. And then you'll be going away again relatively soon (though I'm glad you were able to schedule me so that I'm definitely seeing you twice that week).
Love,
LT

Of course I meant seeing you on the 25th...not just 'speaking' to you.

Slip up I really didn't mean to make.

Trying to take it all one moment at a time right now.

Thanks for being there for me E, during a hard day. I have a feeling I will end up emailing you this weekend. It was interesting to note that you noticed (out loud) things going on with my body. Sorry I didn’t answer any of those questions. I have a hard time knowing what my body “wants” in a hard moment.

Dear T,
I was probably more apologetic than I should have been in that email, but really, it's more important that things are OK between us than trying to get you to understand why I might want to see R a couple other times in the year besides when you're away. I can try to explain that later, if I so choose. Maybe it was all just a reaction to your being away. Maybe I'm triangulating as a way of sort of fighting back. I don't know. But it's not very long before my vacation (even though we'll be meeting virtually once or twice then) and then your trip. So I'd rather have things feel OK in the therapeutic relationship now, then maybe address other stuff once those are over.

Love,
LT

Dear T,
It means a lot that you wrote back tonight. Thank you.
Love,
LT

T: I hope you are having a wonderful vacation. I'm sad you are gone next week too. At least I have E!

I had one of those panic attacks that I mistake for actually dying last night. It was really sudden, I wasn't doing anything. I got up to pee and didn't even make it to the stairs, thought maybe I should tell M to call an ambulance. He helped me upstairs and I went to bed. Then the baby was up all night so I'm extra exhausted today. Also I wish this heat would piss off.

Dear T,
Even though I hate that you went away, I think more than that I’m glad you’re refreshed. You seem to have something you didn’t before you left. Idk. I am glad for it.
Restating some of the things you did make me feel safer. I like that you feel further away now as I need the structure more than ever. Also you feel closer as you’re so straight up expressive of your feelings. Maybe, I can go away and stay with you perhaps instead of running away like a part of me wants to do.. Still feel shaky and a bit lost.

T, I’m tired and will keep going. Messed up when you were gone.

I never got a reply from you but it was mid morning on a friday and I don't know your schedule. I'll probably get something on Monday. You haven't left me hanging with an email before. But my brother in law lost a ton of weight due to stress and its been a bit triggering for me. I just want to lose more weight.

Sometimes this whole interpersonal thing is just SO hard. I messed up this evening, was supposed to be out at an event but got the dates wrong. I thought it was next weekend. Anyway, I felt disappointed and a bit silly, so told R how I was feeling but he seriously doesnt respond how I need him to sometimes, and there seems very little point in doing anything in return, especially when it is late and he is really struggling with the heat. So I just retreat. And feel.... Annoyed? Unseen? It's hard putting yourself out there and not being seen. That's the biggest reason I totally shut down in the past. I know he doesn't do it on purpose, he just doesn't get it sometimes. But it doesn't help knowing that, really. I still feel... I don't know... Trodden on?

Actually, I think I'm quite annoyed with myself for messing the dates up as I would have liked to go. As hard as it would have been I did want to try to go, and now I can't. And being annoyed with myself is a difficult emotion for me. A really difficult one. Because it means that I let myself down. Not something I'm used to doing. When you spend so many years feeling like the only person you can rely on is yourself, you get pretty good at being there for you, for getting things right. This whole 'being human' malarky is quite new to me, because I had basically turned into a robot. K and I did a whole load of work on this, and I would say I'm much more human now. I can see that it definitely has its upsides, but it also has its downsides, and I'm experiencing that tonight.