Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

I think (fingers crossed) I've made peace with transference T. Feb 2021 when our last session was was such a long time ago. I'm now on my 4th therapist since her. My current therapist is basically the same as her minus the transference. Its just that I listen to the song Halls, or Brothers On A Hotel Bed, and I just don't feel that raw feeling I used to about her. My endocronolgist asked me how my sex drive was. I told him it was low. He asked me if I wanted that to change. I told him no. I do not need a transference T part 2.

Dear E: I am afraid you are going to cancel or move to virtual (do not like) on Friday when I tell you I’ve been sick this week. I really hope I feel better tomorrow so I can tell you I’m on the mend. Right now is not a good time to miss therapy, though is ANY time good?

Wow, 5 years ago last week that I bought that book. I tried reading it but just got SO triggered that I had to get it out of the house. (Janina Fisher healing the fragmented selves of trauma survivors) I wish I hadn't given it to Ex T though as I never got it back, and it isn't cheap, that is why I asked you if you had it. Sadly not. You said it sounded good though... odd words to use for a book like that, I thought! But hey, there we go. I am so tempted to buy it again though, if for no other reason than to see how I get on with it now. I am currently reading another book about the brain and trauma and am going ok with it I think. I know it is affecting me, but not in ways that are unmanageable, which is good. But yeah, I just logged on to Amazon and saw it was five years ago last week and that... shocked me?

(Ps, anyone reading who can tell me whether this is worth buying twice?? Or has anyone ever used the workbook?)

I think it is worth it. I have read it, my ex-therapist had completed training based on it. The chapter on traumatic attachment really moved me forward regarding how I understand my relational difficulties. It's not a comfortable read. I also have some objections to her style, her observations and ego statements, but I often find that to be true in faux-academic writing. It's a good starting point, or at least has been for me. Check eBay and similar for a second hand copy.

I haven't read it, but have heard good things. I know you're in the UK, and I'm looking at the US Amazon, plus I have no idea what your budget is, but the paperback version is US$39 (whereas the hardcover is $100). So maybe see if that's available? The workbook is only $14.99. Seems like a sale of some sort, so worth seeing if the price is lower on your version of Amazon, too.

I've totally forgotten the name and details of the back up lady you said would 'take over' if anything happened to you. We realised that after last time it was imperative for there to be a plan, and for some reason I am now feeling like I need to reiterate that plan. I'm not surprised given last session really. But I know you are away next week and that worries me. I wonder if I wrack my brains whether it will come to me. I mean I didn't even check what details you had given her? How would she get in touch? What have you told her? Where would we start? Not worried questions but just feeling like we need to revisit the plan.

I'm not going to let us do this without a backup in place.

My weight has been stable since we last met. So you won't freak out. My appetite is still iffy but its still mostly med and nausea related. I told you in the email I sent on Friday that I've been doing well, and I still am doing well if not better. I left the house twice with no paranoia at all.

E: Thanks for not canceling/moving to virtual tomorrow. I started turning a corner towards feeling better today, so I think our session is a go. It’s so weird that I am looking forward to our sessions when all we are focusing on is trauma work.

I must stop seeking you out on social media. Discovering obscure posts you wrote in 2008 is really not relevant to my pain or to this situation. It's such a delight though, seeing your name and recognising your tone. God I hate you.

Dear T, Thank you for listening to me and having patience with me. It has been a few difficult months with everything. I wish I could meet with you weekly 2 weeks is starting to feel too long.

Dear T,
Maybe instead of the one topic (which would be risky anyway), we need to talk about how I can deal with my D laughing at me when I'm stressed/upset/hurt. I know it's likely a part of her autism. But it's really triggering for me. H said I just need to learn to deal with it. But how do I do that? Or is there some way to teach her?

And I hope I can feel connected to you tomorrow before you go out of town again. I was a little today, but it felt like you shut me down on the one topic. Maybe I just misunderstood the meaning behind your question? I suppose I could ask that tomorrow. But then, if I talk about the connection I made to what happened in the dream with the teacher and missing being able to shake your hand, I'm concerned you'd react poorly to that. And I don't need that right before you go away. I'll see how I feel tomorrow, I guess--if I bring it up, it will be early on.

Also, my toe really hurts. It sounds like such a silly injury, dropping a cutting board on it. But it hurts!

Love,
LT

PS: Be safe in the storms going on right now.

Hey.


Just, hey.

What’s the point? T, they basically said my way or the highway. The highways looking better by the day..

I won't walk away. I won't give up on the possibility. Not while you and I are both still on this planet. Not unless you expressly tell me that we can't, because you don't want to. I won't accept shouldn't as a reason. It was you who taught me that 'should' can be a damaging word. And it isn't like it's not allowed. I've read the 'rules'. So yeah, sorry not sorry, I'm still here and I still really want some form of relationship with you, in person.

I wonder how mad my pdoc would be if he knew I was seeing a therapist who specializes in eating disorders. He doesn't actually know any of this eating stuff is going on. Only my mom and my current therapist and my last therapist know and they don't even know how bad it is. I keep it a secret from everyone else. I'm worried if I tell my therapist and my pdoc I'll get terminated or sent IP.

The drum circle last night was an extra enjoyable one, some new folks I hadn't met before were on there and I got to work with 2 of them. One, I could see being friends with if we didn't live so far apart. We spent part of our breakout room time gabbing like old friends even though we'd just met. It was great.

I don't know why I feel the need to type this to you here.

Dear K,

I opened my sketchbook dares book again and actually managed to sit down and start one, after two years of not doing it. Draw a scene from memory of a smell that you remember. I tried to think of one back then, but couldn't. My memory of the past is so bad, I barely remember going away on holidays, let alone smells, but now I had one. A memory of us in your room and the little jar of different flowers you used to have. Lemon verbena. Lavender. Sweet peas. Always seemed to be something new for my senses to be drawn to. You were very holistic, and taught me a lot. An awful lot. Those scents and sights became a focal point for me, especially on days where I just could not find any words at all. Just to sit there side by side with you and touch and smell those plants was very healing for me.

That memory, in the room, with you, is etched into me and I hope it never leaves me. I don't think it will. Whilst drawing it I decided to look back on our text exchanges over the last 8 months, and doing so really warmed my heart. Soothed me. Whilst sometimes it feels like you are just appeasing me, I can see from those messages a different story, and I am grateful. I wish you would initiate more, like you did a few times in the beginning, but maybe that will come again in time.

For now though, knowing you are 'just over there', even if you are out of reach in so many ways, helps me feel..... A little more settled.

Even though I started the support system exercise, I'm finding it hard to continue with it.


It feels really important to name the people that remain in my circle, and yet only certain people know about certain issues and losses.

I suppose I need to grit my teeth and get on with it, in small doses. I'm hoping to use it to update the document I created in 2017.

Talking to Steve was a significant part of my 'crisis plan', and now he can't be that any more.

Dear T,
I still feel OK about the handshake conversation. I understand that you want to think about it. I'm hoping if it's a "no," it wouldn't be a "no, not ever again," just a "not yet, maybe sometime in the future." I do appreciate your confirming that you're not making any sort of physical contact with any client. And how when I said I worried you'd say no just because I seemed to want it too much, you said, "That would be a very mean thing to do."

I also appreciate what you said about how I can talk about things that might not be part of how you usually work. That I should use the language I want for it, that it's up to you to adapt to me. Also explaining about the arm-folding thing.

What you said about D really helped, too, including when I seemed at a loss for words in how to explain what I was feeling and where I felt I was lacking. I went to see her karate performance at the end of camp, and I could tell she was really struggling with the noise, lots of people there, etc. But she still stayed in it and kept trying. I teared up a bit at that. And told her afterward that I was proud of her. I'm trying to do what we talked about, though I was also genuinely proud.

I hope you're safe in your travels and able to meet in person Friday (or at least virtually). I'm glad you'll be back then rather than being gone over another weekend. I made it until Saturday without contacting you last time, so hopefully, barring any sort of outside-life crisis, I can get through without emailing you until you're back. And I have the R session in there, too.

Love,
LT

Your eyes are intense and normally that would turn me on. But I don't feel it with you. But I almost passed out today after eating so I don't think that just eating something will solve stuff. My weight was getting a bit low for your liking so I went to Taco Bell so I could stabalize it.

So I finally plucked up the courage to send a text...only for you to read and not reply.

I'm struggling to understand. This has got to be good T. Are you on data roaming? I doubt it as my text went straight through at 2am your time. You have wifi, I'm sure.

What the hell are you playing at? If it was any other T, any other relationship, I'd feel sure my contact was the issue. But you're not like that. So what is going on? Are you just in a different headspace or something worse?

Now that you have driven through my head that I have "the perfect male body" and I should shop at Hollister, I've dropped about $120 there recently.

I'm not sure that comment really helped? Although I did need jeans and a belt anyways if I'm being honest and the shirts were on sale and around the same price as Fruit Of The Loom and my Walmart is always out of my size anyways.

So idk.

I don’t think I can do the homework that we set for this week. Despite it being my own idea, I’m having trouble accessing that part of things because it’s not currently “active”.. You know it’s been a rough week, and I appreciate the support through some of it. I hope that it can be a topic, or a way that we can open up some doors for connection.

I just want you here, I want your words of comfort and comforting presence. I just want you here.

I'm trying to hold onto last week's text when you said you love me and nothing has changed, you just can't use your phone much.

You ARE using it, so I guess this is a lesson in trust. That whatever the deal is, there is a reason for not texting me, even if it's that you don't want to go back on what you originally said even though you're using your phone more than you perhaps anticipated to begin with.

I'm sure that when I see you, I'll realise nothing has changed at all and you'll be your usual warm lovely self. It's just hard to feel that now because I don't understand what's going on. I know from past experience that I'm on your mind, but your timescale for texting is different to mine because your life is that much busier than mine is. I know I need to focus on other things and people in my life and I'm trying T, truly. I'm also trying not to control you, not that you'd let yourself be controlled. I'm just hurt because you made out I could call and text and you've taken that away very abruptly. It's painful and scary. I know you probably realise that, hence your reassuring text last week, but I know you're using your phone, I can see it. I'm trying to trust you have a reason.

Okay, I have a new theory. I know how ridiculous this is but it just shows how confusing the whole situation is for me based on your original text.

First, you realised how expensive it would be to use your phone at all outside of wifi. This was a shock to you. You also realised that access to wifi would be unpredictable and so you didn't want to set a call up knowing it might not happen.

So, you told me you weren't going to be using your phone much because it cost too much unless you connected to wifi. My confusion was... can't we just use wifi as planned for texts/calls? But maybe you thought it was too iffy. I wish you'd told me that.

Second, you've certainly been using your phone, judging by your whatsapp activity. But maybe you've kept it switched on more than originally planned using data roaming so you receive notifications, while not actively using whatsapp, or only minimally to keep in touch with family back home. So everytime you receive a message or send a message, you use more data and get charged. (You could have set up a data package?)

It's not a perfect theory but it's the best one I have. It will be interesting to see whether I was right when you finally get in touch on your return. I know how disorganised you are and how unlikely it is that you set up any sort of international package to afford cheap data and judging by how unsure you were about wifi before you left, it seems to suggest you are simply leaving your phone on as you have little or no wifi.

I know I need to just trust you when I don't understand. But it's not easy. I like to work things out in my head so they make sense. You know that about me. It prevents the pain and confusion from becoming unbearable and jumping to default positions such as 'she's sick of me' and 'she doesn't care about me as much as she says.'