Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

I think despite my appereance you will be happy I've started eating cheese and Greek yogurt. Both good sources of calcium and protein. Its still mostly the meds thats caused my loss of appetite, and yeah I'll admit a bit of restriction.

I don't know. Maybe you were even at one of the 2 stores I was at today. You already said you saw me at one of them a couple weeks ago.

I'm not dealing with this all to well. It'll go away again, but we need a contigency plan.

I got really upset when I sent you the email cancelling the session. It made me very aware that I am just a client to you, and when I stop seeing you, it's all over.

Coming to see you in the evening was a treat, a luxury I could afford while baby was in bed. Seeing you in the day while working is stressful and chore like. I don't know what happens now.

Dear T,
I hope I don't regret sending that. I know you most likely won't reply till morning, but I figure if you read it this afternoon/evening, it will give you time to think about your reply. Please don't be defensive. I wish you had something tomorrow. I just hope the pre-vacation session goes OK Tuesday morning.
Love,
LT

I know what I need to do but I still haven't figure out how to DO it.

Dear T,
Well, I regret sending that. #*&% you.
LT

Numb

Unbelievable what they’re carrying. I’m suppose to be the strong one, haha. Too much to say, the words are getting stuck.

Dear T,
How generous of you to give me permission to think you're wrong! I guess your reply helped a bit, though it would have been nice if you could have explicitly answered the one question I asked, rather than just saying I'm "overgeneralizing."
--LT

Dear T,
So something interesting is that I'm just feeling anger at you and hurt by you--I'm not turning this back on myself and feeling self-loathing--it's all outward. (Well, maybe I do kinda regret sending the email now, but that's different.) Which I feel is progress. But I'm not sure I'd want to tell you that because then you might think it's *good* that you upset me, and I don't want to give you that satisfaction!
LT

I love that one of the first things you did when you got back from holiday was text me to arrange an appointment!

Dear T: I am glad I get to actually SEE you this week. Well, I hope so.

Dear T,
Thanks for still being willing to see me. (Surprised you asked if I wanted Zoom, that you might have been willing to meet in person). Please be in repair mode tomorrow. Be understanding and caring. Not defensive and self-righteous, like you sounded in the most recent email. I'm not expecting you to change your stance, more to understand and appreciate mine.

Love,
LT

Dear T

I appreciate that you were willing to reschedule rather than just cancel this week because of your family commitments, and had I been feeling ok I would have liked to have had that session with you on Sunday evening. But I was feeling so crap physically and mentally, I just couldn't face talking.


I realise how counter-intuitive that is, when I feel like a session the least, is probably when I need it the most. By the time we next meet online, it will have been 21 days between sessions. A 3-week break with ex-T would have felt like torture. A 3 week break with you just feels meh... In fact I know I will probably find it difficult to get back into it again, which is even more reason why I should have made myself keep the appointment with you.


I'm struggling with just keeping going from one day to the next at the moment. The therapy sessions used to be a bit of a lifeline for me, but now I couldn't care one way or the other. Maybe it is time to stop while I still have a choice, and not when we get to winter and I can't afford it anymore but then feel desperate to see you. I'm just waiting for the day when H says that we have to tighten our financial belts. I know what will be the first thing to go, our sessions. Maybe my taking a step back is in preparation for that.


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I don't want to do this.

"I don't have to do this" were the words that came to my mind when I wrote "I don't want to do this anymore" on the paper. And just thinking those words almost soothed the overwhelmed part of me. Honestly, I am not sure I want to do this anymore. I know that this push and pull is a part of my process but I am genuinely concerned for me safety and my general well-being here. I just don't know if it is worth it anymore. Life is pretty good otherwise, and yet I feel by digging all this up every single week I am slowly but surely destroying what I spent so many years building up. No, it's not right. It's not right that I should have to hide this away but you hit the nail on the head when you said "it's not fair, but that's the situation we are in".

It just makes me so angry, and yet there is nothing I can do with that anger. No place to direct it. No actions I feel I can take to dissipate it, because to do so changes everything, and I don't want everything to change (do I???) Again it comes back to the fact that apart from this, life is pretty good right now.

I couldn't do what you were asking me about in session. I will try again this week though, because I do think it might be useful, if I decide to continue, which I am really not sure I will.

I can understand why you ignored that statement, because it isn't the first time you have heard it I'm sure, but it came from a different place this week. It felt far more real.

I am sorry I find this so hard. I'm sorry for myself as well as for you.

I've written plenty of letters from me to the Teenage part of me, but you know what it felt like her talking (or not, as the case was!) today. It feels like she is trying to tell me something, and maybe it's time I shut my mouth and started to listen.

Two parts of me, living in completely separate parts of the wood. One in darkness. Overgrown. Fighting for survival. Threatened. Lost. One in the light. Able to see the world's beauty. Sunlight nourishing and uplifting. Peaceful and calm. She will not come into the light, and I cannot spend too long in the dark and threatening environment that she calls home. How then? How can I bring these two parts of me together?

Haha! I bet that surprised you! Can't imagine you were expecting to see me outside your house 2 1/2 hours after our session!! Oops. I didn't feel like I should drive anywhere so I took my sketchbook into the woods right near your house and sat in the rain and then the sun, drawing, noticing, being, thinking. If I'd been 30 seconds later back at the car and I literally would have bumped into you!

Dear T,
Not sure what to feel about that session. I'm glad we talked, I guess? It was pretty ugly for a bit there, so I'm glad I stopped it and shifted directions a little. I suppose I'll have a long car ride and 5 days to process.

I did have this thought though: What if it's isn't so much that *you* have changed, but that *I* have changed?

Love,
LT

Dear T,
Wish I wasn’t so alone in this.

Whatever

Dear E and T: I’m so sad, depressed and hopeless. I just spent my lunch break crying. Help?

And now I sit and wait to see what you say. I'm going to paint the leaves I found and try to keep my mind and body busy.

Two more sleeps.
I'm so very grateful.

Dear T. I miss you. I'm going to talk to you tonight but I miss you right now. I'm having a hard day and getting frustrated at work with my complicated coworker. Ugh. I also think you might be spending too much time on me when you are not in session. EEK. I love you, Kit

I've been thinking a lot the past couple days about all the feelings I used to have for you. I've written a pretty long paragraph about it. Tempted to send it to you in an email....




....but maybe, working all of this out to my latest "aha" is just something I still needed to do for me, and maybe now I'll stop thinking about you all the dang time, and there would be no point to telling you about it.

OMG. T. Tomorrow night can’t come fast enough. E, I am so sorry I am bombarding you with emails.

i am not okay.