Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

Dear T,
So, if I do end up catching it from D (likely!), looking at my calendar, I may not be able to see you in person again until Sept. 6... As even if it's been 10 days and I have a couple negative tests, I doubt you'd be willing to see me in person in the couple days before you're going out of town. You likely wouldn't want to take the risk (though this would be solely up to you, I imagine, as you'd be going by yourself--well, maybe with your brother and your friend, but I doubt they have the same level of influence over your decisions that your wife and son do).

This makes me sad... I mean, I already would have been doing virtual the week I was away (if that even happens now....), plus you were always going to be gone that time. So it's not so much the number of sessions, but the stretch of time that I'll have to do virtual.

But I guess I just need to see what happens--maybe I will be able to see you once or twice in person in there? And at least we can still meet virtually.

Oh, and I made an appointment with R for when you'll be away. It occurred to me that it will still be a full week, and it will be stressful with it being D's first week of school. Plus, depending on what you say about possibly seeing her at a time when you're not away, who knows when I'd be able to see her next after this (probably not until 2023, from what you said).

Love,
LT

I did mostly what you told me to do. I rested when needed. I did one large activity today. I focused on my family. My eating was really bad but what I did eat was good. I'm hoping tommorow is better physically but today I didn't do bad mental health wise.

My head is still an absolute mess and I don't know how to make it stop.

I messed up a little tonight. It’s only Tuesday 😭

Dear E:

****TRIGGER WARNING RE: self-harm/SI******

Me too
.

Making this support system diagram is bloody hard when my support system keeps changing. Just had an email from one of my favourite grief coaches (I can't believe I can even write that sentence...) saying that he's coming off social media.

Even if I didn't contribute, reading his prompts helped me stay honest with myself about how I'm doing.

It's the work we've been doing about naming feelings - there are so many, and I don't know what half of them are.

Dear T,
I kind of wish our session had been after D did stuff to some of my belongings. Or maybe that I'd touched on some other things today. I don't know. I hate not being in person. Surprised you said you might have been willing to meet outside--it never would have occurred to me to ask because I figured you'd have said no and been bothered by my even asking you.

I wish you could have said you could probably see me in person before September, but I guess you can't know what will happen, like if I get Covid and what the time line will be, so you wouldn't want to make any promises. I'm glad you seem completely fine with my seeing R for a session while you're away though.

Love,
LT

I haven't seen transference T on my trip. She must not be here this week. Not that I was on guard for her. Mainly I was just enjoying my day.

I do think the reason I still think of her is transition related. She was the last person I felt attracted to before my sex drive died and I can't fill that void. That emptiness. I don't binge eat or drink or do any other reckless thing so focuing on the last person I was attracted to is how I deal with this.

Dear T and E: Ugh. Got some not great news about work. ughhhh

Dear T, I am really looking forward to my session with you this morning. I have allot on my mind and hope to not overwhelm you today.

E: I’ve been trying so hard to not have email anxiety this week, but our appt is tomorrow, so maybe you won’t write back? it’s okay, just hate the anxiety!

Please update your psych today profile again so i'll know you're still around. or come to the zoom thing tonight. i haven't seen you on there in a couple of months it seems like. I mean so what if I can't actually talk to you on there - I just wanna know you're still alive and stuff! the way you've been on my mind constantly the past couple-three days has me worrying.


I so need to just let outside-you go already, and be happy with the version-of-you-in-my-head.

Dear T, Thank you very much for sharing some of your personal life with me. I feel I can trust you more and open up because some of the things you went through I feel I can open up and feel understood not from a professional, but personal too. I also loved how we ended today's session. I am so glad you are my therapist

£uck you. Really, £uck you. I miss you and I really want contact with you. I can't believe we used to speak every week, meeting on the beach, being in your house, email contact. Contact. We used to have contact. This is so painful. I don't understand what happened.

I went to an antique store today, and it reminded me of January 2020 when I went to an antique store with my mom. I guess it just reminded me a bit of my transference T. Right when we were finding out about Covid but when we were still doing in person sessions.

As for my current one I'm not thinking much about her except I'm wondering if she'll be annoyed at my weight loss if I've even lost any.

I wonder if she is thinking of me and wondering how I'm doing.

Ugh. I hate me. Why do I get disappointed over the smallest things?

Dear K,

I wish you had written this to me. I wonder if you feel this way...

If you're wondering where to find me,
I'll tell you where I'll be,
I'm in that in between bit,
That space where sky meets sea.
In the whispers of the trees,
And the edges of your dreams,
Close enough to almost touch,
But slightly out of reach.
I'm in the moon and in the stars,
But never really far,
And always, always, always,
I'm there inside your heart.

Dude. I hope you are okay. Why am I letting myself get all worried about you?!

I got through the procedure. I think I underestimated how sensitive the skin on my face is, because I thought I was prepared for it but it turned out I really wasn't.

They did it in 10-second treatments...I've never known ten seconds to last quite that long.

My cheek is aching near where they did the treatment.

Dear T: OMG I love you so so much. Kit

Every day everything is worse.

I have heard damning things about you and your practice. I don't know how repair could be possible. I don't know what's wrong with me that all I want is for you to come back. Will you contact me again? How long do I wait? I need to write this stuff. I need to stop drinking long enough that I can write it.

Thanks for telling me not emailing me back wasn't personal. I'm sorry you were so sick. I hated tonight's session. I feel so broken. What is wrong with me?

I can't believe I sent that email. You're so going to judge me. Do you think I'm weird or disgusting? I do. Oh how I wish I didn't send it or if I could somehow get a hold of you and tell you not to read it. Seriously, why did I do that?! Please don't judge me too harshly. It was sort of your fault for explaining it to me. Ugh! So embarrassed and ashamed!