Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

Yeah, Sheila (my T's name is not Sheila, its from a commercial) things aren't going the greatest today either but its not like I'm doing it on purpose.

Thanks for that T! I appreciate how responsive you are to me , every day of the week. I know that intellectually and I hope to really get . Today helps. It’s going to be ok

I really struggle with some topics. Like how I was really enjoying looking into Buddhism and the meditation that went with it. I used to do it often. But then the thing happened and now I don’t feel it anymore. I had that feeling that everything was moving in the right direction, “meant to be”, and then everything fell apart at once. I know it was a few years ago now but I guess I’m still stuck there.

I don't think I need to repeat myself about what today was like.

E: Thanks for your response. I will try hard to stay in the present.

Dear T,
Congrats!
Also, I miss you. Please be safe driving home tomorrow. I hope we'll both be Covid-free (do I tell you about the concert? You know I'm going to test to be safe) and able to meet in person this week.

Love,
LT

PS--Looks like I'm going to win the first round of my fantasy baseball playoffs. I'm sure you're shocked!

For the first time in what seems like a while I'm kind of looking forward to coming tomorrow. I wonder why?

Today was bad physically but you just have to accept that something isn't right and I'm trying to figure it out and my weight and food issues arent on purpose.

Dear T,
I hope you get home safely tonight. (I wish I could ask you to text me when you're home, but I know that would irritate you.) And that we're able to meet in person tomorrow, though if we can't, I completely understand, and it's OK.
Love,
LT

Yet another Monday night nightmare. This is becoming a regular occurrence. Dreaming of running, being chased, scared for my life. Intermixed with good relational activities these times though, which can only be a positive, and a big change from when I had them 6 years ago. Yet the underlying theme is still the same. Sometimes in the foreground, sometimes more in the background like tonight.

Tonight's involved me being attacked by a vicious schoolgirl but being rescued by a teenage boy. Driving through the wilderness, becoming prey for the lions, having to run to avoid being eaten, hiding out and living on captured venomous snakes but then finding myself on the soft fluffy rug of my work colleagues (one of the good ones) watching TV, then doing a river rapids ride with my boyfriend and randomly finding all of my missing odd socks before meeting the queen with Prince Harry, who wasn't really Prince Harry. And then I woke up, needing a drink and the toilet... Two things I never normally need in the middle of the night, and feeling terrified of the dark, convinced someone has broken into the house and is still hiding here and subsequently unable to go back to bed. I'm currently 'hiding' in my craft room while I try to calm myself down. Why am I doing this again?

Ugh, I hate vivid dreams/nightmares like that!

Dear E: This is said under not quite sober person: but I think I really care for you. Nowhere am I even close to using THOSE three words. It helps that you non-chalantly threw out “and as someone who cares about you…” It sort of blew my mind.
You know I don’t believe many people in the real world are so kind and validating. I know, I know, it’s your training. Still.

Thank you. You seemed to change your approach today and I found it helpful, even if slightly irritating at times as you challenged my beliefs. You seemed to be much more open to the idea of parts than ever before, which I find interesting... Are you learning along with me?

Thank you though, I really appreciated today. We stayed out of the hole, though it was touch and go at one point!

You know, sometimes it amazes me how out of touch I am with my body. How long it takes me to notice my physical response to something. Writing the diary after session and I started at my desk, then sat on the floor, then laid on the floor and by the time I had written just two pages I was laid fully flat head down and everything. And yet it had barely registered! This is exhausting work and we are considering doing it twice a week some weeks. I still do think that would be helpful though.

You've given me a lot to process and think about today, thank you. Maybe we really are doing the work, albeit it slowly.

Oh, and PS, how do people manage this in 50 minutes a week!!!???!!!???

You emailed me this morning because you wanted an update about my pdoc appointment. I liked how you said even if he's arrogrant he seems to know his stuff. Since I had called him arrogrant and full of himself at our session last week.

You did mention my weight loss and said you can see we need to discuss it more and ways to at least maintain it. I would have been annoyed with that comment if my mom handn't said basically the same thing before I read you're email. That I need your help maintaining or possibly gaining some weight. My mom is always encouraging my weight loss so for her to say gaining some weight wouldn't hurt took me off guard.

But I am super tired and worn out again today so you'll just have to accept the low calories today. It was once again not on purpose.

Dear T,
Thanks for being attuned and relatively warm today. I think I know the direction we should go in now. I hope you stay healthy and keep testing negative--this seems like work best done in person, if at all possible.
Love,
LT

Now that I've been in this cbt-based program, L, I wish my therapy with you had had more elements of solution-focus.

Then again, maybe this current thing is so helpful because we so thoroughly traversed (read: wandered aimlessly through so much of) my psyche... I am recognizing "aha I've been here before" all over the place in these exercises.

E: Thank you for the thoughtful reply that you always give. Dealing with these younger parts isn’t going to be fun, is it?

Dear T,
I haven’t looked at notes from session this week. I’m scared to and this hasn’t happened before. Usually I can review them the same or next day so as to toss it around my head. Blank. This week has been blank and I don’t want to go there by myself. Not sure how this will go..

You handled it so well, touching the edge, bringing us back. Thank you for that. You’re confident and brave. I’ll trust us but gosh.

T,

I'm scared, what if there mh isn't as good as here. what if we can't get in for whatever reason. I don't want to be ever get hospitalized again. I'm so scared.

I see you in a bit and you were hard on me last week about my weight and how I looked. I'm 2 pounds less today then I was when we met last week. If anything I've been eating more this past week. So I'm not sure how today will go.

This is really interesting L, I noticed this morning when I called myself stupid for a silly little mistake I made while working (that nobody else will even know about because I fixed it immediately before it even got to the point where anyone else could see it) that it felt different when I said it - foreign, almost - and I thought huh, I haven't called myself stupid very much at all in the past couple weeks. Something's working really well with this program I'm doing. I think it's cool too how when I'm working through the exercises and when I'm talking with my coach about them it feels like such familiar territory the places in my psyche these exercises are taking me back through. My coach is much more directive than you ever were - and I find myself welcoming the challenge. Interesting, indeed.

You said to me today "I feel very protective of you." Uhhh. Thanks? Kinda feels like that comment is bordering on countertransference but thats just my take on it. I don't feel anything for you except feeling like I have a decent therapist for once. I do think you think and care more about me more then I think and care about you.

My mom just said it seems like you truly want to help me more then any other therapist except the best one I had in 2007. So maybe I need to just need to let you in.

T, I’m sorry your child is sick, but what a sh*tty week to have to cancel. I’m already so, so sad.

Hey C (I know you're a coach, not a t, but I'ma write to you here anyway) I already wish we could keep talking after the 8 weeks is up, but it's probably good that we can't, so I don't start getting all painfully attached to you. I am not going to tell you this, of course!! Our calls are so short and I don't get to talk a whole lot so I might not anyway, but as super-attached as I got to L, you never know... it is a concern for me. Right now I'm just really grateful for how helpful this program has been so far.

L, dang it, why do I still wish I could talk to you?