Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

Were you here yesterday? If not, when did you take that picture? Cause if you were here, I'm going to be pissed.

Dear T,
I typed up part of an email, then realized it was a bad idea to send over email. I'm generally feeling OK, even good, about our discussion yesterday. I don't want to chance making it less good by asking you about that. I'll think about whether I still want to ask and maybe will do so in session Thursday. Or possibly send an email, but tell you not to respond to that question in there, that we'd talk about it instead. Or perhaps we don't need to talk about it at all.

Love,
LT

I am still annoyed that you called me. I was planning on a nice two weeks without having to think about or see you but now you are haunting my brain and I don't have time for this. I really wish I knew your intent.

At our session I plan on wearing light blue jeans and a white T shirt instead of dark blue jeans and the same shirt I was wearing for our first 2 sessions. I've had therapists comment on what I'm wearing before and while I feel like you are different I just want to switch it up even though that shirt is my favorite and the best fitting one I have.

Two more sleeps.
I think processing tomorrow is going to be a good use of our Thursday session.
I'm still rattled by how I found out about his death, even though I really couldn't have found out any other way.

I'm missing you immensely. I miss the special deep intimate bond we had during covid. I miss how deep you would go in your emails. I felt like I was really with you. I'm grieving that loss tonight.

I miss you unbearably and you're still in the country right now. I hate how far away you're going to be. It's as if some part of me wilts when you're not around. I know that is bad. I know it shouldn't. I wish you weren't going away twice in a month. It's just going to be horrific. You said it will fly by - maybe for you, but for me it won't. I'm missing you so much T. It means the world that you told me you'd miss me.

Dear T,
Hope I didn't make a mistake sending that, but it's been bouncing around in my head for the last 2 days, so figured I should get it out. I do completely understand if you want to just discuss it tomorrow--though I hope you'll say that rather than just "confirming receipt" or something. I still think it's better that I typed it out and you'll have read it before session, even if we go that route.

Love,
LT

Dear T: Please, oh please know what you are doing this afternoon with the meeting with my parents. You've done this sort of thing before, I hope. I hope you know what you are doing. I have to trust that you do. Please let it be okay. xoxo Kit

There's nothing scarier than tracking a long haul flight when I know you are on it...

I love you T. I'm praying for the time to go quickly so I can see you're safe.

Dear T,
That was a somewhat cryptic, yet helpful reply. Well, assuming by "outside of sessions" you don't mean clients making outside contact? Especially because you specifically said I was welcome to email about this (and we've had recent discussions about outside contact anyway, so I'd think maybe you'd just reference that? Plus I don't see how going away but still allowing email would help that for you). But maybe you mean more what I suggested as a possibility, that it's how you're thinking about your sessions later. Or perhaps you're having difficulty separating your work and personal life. I don't know--I'll just see what you say tomorrow. I really don't want to spend all or even, say, half of session on it, unless, of course, what you say concerns or upsets me. So hopefully it won't!
Love,
LT

I ate something I am possibly allergic to and it made me feel sick. So thats why I haven't had much to eat today. And yeah my calories mostly came from soda and the other stuff wasn't good either. So I may be kinda doing bad in the food area but my anxiety has still been decent and I got out again so I hope you won't be too pissed.

I did find out I'm highly senstive to that food item. So I'm sorry for being so checked out today. Plus I'm so tired I don't know if I'm getting anything. I tried eating when I left and I was like 1/4 of the way succesful at eating my lunch.

Thanks a lot for that T! I’m thankful for receiving that today, you were slipping away. I’ll focus on trying to do that. Even though you said I could contact, I won’t unless it’s a life/death situation, so for you to do that, gosh means so very much! It might be ok.

Well, this is new. You haven't replied to the email I sent yesterday afternoon. I haven't emailed for months and months, but when I did email before, you were quite good at replying. I wonder what's going on there... I wonder whether you are 'put out' by my anger. Or are you unsure about my questioning whether or not you are as lost as me with it all. Are you as close to giving up as I am? Or are you just busy? I guess I'll find out next week, maybe.

Oh, and the strangest thing happened. I went to a workshop tonight, with someone I know. Well, someone I am getting to know. Only me and her there, and we were talking about teenagers, and them going off the rails. I told her about me going off the rails, all the drugs and the running away and stuff. She asked a simple question - why? And I said it was complicated. That's the normal response. But my mouth didn't stop there. I told her. I told her in the briefest of ways what had happened. Wow. That's the first time it's ever come out in a 'normal conversation'. With anyone. How bizarre. I was sweating though, and going red, and very uncomfortable. But I said the words.

Do you know what I'm sat here now thinking? But she doesn't know the full story, and now she never will because my one opportunity, the only one you ever get, has been used up (absolutely no idea where that 'belief' comes from and could probably do with exploring that!!)

You're not who I thought you were

I guess I felt a bit uncomfortable when you told me to stick my finger up my hoo ha to get rid of my urinary retention. I don't like the V word. My transference T said worse stuff and for some reason I can make excuses for everything she said/did to me that wasn't proffesional.

How is that supposed to work?! Has this t had kids? (So maybe things are more loosey goosey?) Then again, retention is NOT my problem, so...!

I kinda felt like I was a novelty to you and thats why you wanted me as a client so badly. The trans dude with autisim and a restrictive eating disorder. It was just the way the office manager told me you said you'd immediatly take over full time when my last T left. Also the way your eyes looked when I was deciding if I wanted to meet with you. They looked almost pleading like. You also listed off the extensive list of types of therapy you do while I was deciding. Plus then yesterday you told me you had a trans nephew with the same deadname as me. I don't know. Its kinda strange but we work well together.

I feel so awful with you being so far away. I'm honestly not coping well. This is the worst I've ever felt on a break. It doesn't help knowing you'll only be back briefly before going again. This won't be over until 23rd August and it's a lifetime away. I don't know what I'm going to do.

It's probably really stupid, but I miss feeling nothing and being numb like when I first met you. I miss being able to do whatever I wanted and not giving a crap about anything.

I feel a bit like you've turned me in to this emotional, feeling, human mess. I'm sure there's a compliment in there for you somewhere, but it's a very strange way to be after so long.

I didn't mention to my doctor I wanted to get down to 140 pounds, but when I asked him about weight loss he said 140-160 would be ok. So do I trust a medical doctor or you and your poodle theory?

You told me to email you to keep you updated and I did today but I never got a response. I'm not too freaked out about it. You are a bit strange. Especially when you walk me up to my mom and try to make awkward small talk with her. I think I've only had one therapist in the past 11.5 years who regularly talked to my mom after my sessions if she was around. Plus I never actually said it was ok for you to do to that.... but I'm trying not to cause any issue.

Dear E: I can not believe I got up the courage to bring the email thing up in person! Thank you for un-shaming me and generally being awesome.

sitting at my desk today looking at that one sand tray pic I have framed, remembering how that was a magical kinda thing, doing that particular sand tray that day. It still comes alive for me every time I look at it.