Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

You are breathing.

Dear T. I am so grateful for our session today. I am not particularly sure why (yet). But I feel like it was a good session.

E: Remind me that I am freaking out over nothing. Right?!

Also: its fine that you haven't written back (yet). Yep. I'll keep telling myself that. Ugh. Anxiety.

Feelings are many, words are few.
Waking up to a cancelled session this morning was not helpful.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Lost. Will she be able to see you later this week?

Why are you not answering my email?

I have no idea. If her kids require 48hr off school after illness, then...probably not.
I might have a chance to do a Zoom session, but...who knows.

Chances are she'd have to reschedule everything in her week...

HUGS Lost. I feel you. I woke up to a cancelled session too.

Yeah getting cancelled sessions at the last minute, SUCK.

Meanwhile, my anxiety keeps ramping up bc my T hasn’t responded to my email I wrote sunday night. It was a response to her email, and now I feel like I’ve burdened her too much. Plus the content of the email is my very real fear of her having The Talk with me about boundaries and such.

HUGS velcro003 I hope your T responds to your email soon and that it is positive and reassuring!

Thanks Kit. I hate anxiety!

You got back to me today and asked if I wanted to reschedule for tommorow and I said yeah I was open anytime. So you said how about 10:30? Which is the time I thought we orginally agreed on meeting in the first place until this Tuesday time came up out of nowhere. Now I don't know if its me or if you're just ****ing with me now.

This Kid at work:

Makes me feel like this:

I am sorry I struggled so much today. I'm not sure whether it was the bell thing or not, but I was certainly thrown by it so can only imagine it played into it. Thank you for offering to run over, to try and make up some lost ground. I am grateful for that. Something happened today, for the first time ever. I felt this overwhelming pull to look at you. To turn right round and look you in the eye. Once when I was seriously struggling. When I was feeling like a prisoner in my own mind, desperately searching for a way out but unable to find one, and then once at the end, when you said that you would go there with me, if I wanted to go there. But then you started tearing up, I heard the sniffle and you said you felt teary, and no way I am looking at you then! Let's be honest, I wouldn't have done it anyway, but I did turn my head a fraction and I did look at your leg, which is a massive first for me! Maybe we are making progress, after all!

I really should not be watching this drama

Once in a while, I am glad to be wrong.
Thanks so much for fitting me in.

Speak to you on Friday.

Wow T, I never expected you to say that you enjoy working with me.

Dear T. I am disappointed that you didn't text me back yet. You cancelled. I said I was disappointed, and also that I hope you have a good time in Las Vegas. And then silence from you. I love you, but I don't understand you. It would be nice to get a text from you but I am not counting on it. Unless it's some random text of you having fun in Vegas or something like you sent me a couple of weeks when you were there. I guess maybe I am a little hurt that you didn't text back. At least I have pdoc tomorrow. And maybe I will make an appointment with my GP or something. xoxoxo Kit

I couldnt figure out why I was so light headed. Every time I stood up I felt like passing out. I skipped dinner last night. I ate a couple taco bites for breakfast. But I don't know. I guess I just forgot to eat and didn't get the connection between the lightheadness and not eating. I wasn't feeling the hunger for some reason. I just like forgot to eat. But I have an Uncrustable thawing so I'll eat that and meet with you in a bit and discuss things with you.

Dear T. I am having anxiety. Like a lot of anxiety. But I don't want to text you because you haven't responded to my last text. And if you are having fun in Las Vegas, I don't want to pull you away from that. I'll do some breathing exercises and take some medication if I need to. Weird not being able to feel like I can reach out. Although you didn't tell me I couldn't. I just feel that way. xoxoxo Kit

Dear R,
That was all very insightful. I wish I could have a follow-up session to discuss more of what came out of it, but I suppose I can try to talk about it with Dr. T? I sort of wish the three of us could sit in a room, and you could explain some of what we talked about, and we could possibly work out ways I could work on that with Dr. T, but in ways that might fit his style and comfort level? Like I've talked about all these things with him separately, and some connections have been made, but the way you tied it all together just made lots of sense. I just don't know if I can explain it in the way that you might be able to?

I do hope I can see you again, next time he goes away (I suspect he'll be away around Labor Day for his usual thing then, but then, maybe you'd be away, too, I don't know?) It sounded like you liked working with me as well (and you've said that before, too, even though we meet infrequently).


Thanks for that,
LT

ahhh!!! my anxiety runs rampant.

HUGS velcro003

I was already at a loss with my anxiety and my sleep. Now I'm not sure whats going on with therapy. I guess I just meet with whoever on Friday and take it from there. I've dealt with much worse in my life. It just makes it harder that its been over a year since I've moved and I still haven't found a stable therapist since leaving my transference one.