Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

You told me you were once in a same sex marriage yet I am uncomfortable talking to you about that stuff despite you being an open book. I hope I get comfortable talking about it. My last T wouldn't even say the word sex. She called it "intimate."

The current situation reminds me of July-August 2018, and I don't like that one bit.
I hope to hear from you soon to confirm that you're OK.

Dear E: You come back from vacation today. Do you think you will write back to my email before I see you on Friday? I am so so anxious.

Dear T,
I'm relieved things felt normal and connected between us today. And that you completely understood if I wished I could have another week of seeing R. You said some really helpful things today, including a couple that made me think. And I'm glad you clarified about it being fine for me to use, say, "parts" language even if that's not generally how you work.

Sad that your schedule is going to be weird the next 6 weeks or so, with some short weeks, but glad you're still fitting me in 3 times next week. I think you realize I have stuff to unpack from the R sessions and just...other stuff.

Love,
LT

Where. Are. You.

Oh T. I can't believe I told you.

Hi R,

I'm practising patience, and yet I would be very grateful if you could offer some kind of update. You surely know me well enough by now to realise that I'm unlikely to ask?

Hope to see you on Thursday.

Best wishes,

Lost

E: I know you are home now (well unless that’s changed), and now the anxiety is back to high.

HUGS velcro003

I hate you. I want to report you.

12 years of therapy with u and you start crying THIS year? what happened

I didn't email you for a reason. I'm trying to watch my own boundaries. Things did get a bit out of control Sunday and yesterday. I brought up the hospital to my mom. My pdoc brought up the hospital. but I still managed on my own without emailing you because I don't want you to turn into transference T part 2. Its like the song What About Us by Pink. The part that goes "I don't want control, I want to let go." I'm just trying to be very careful.

Dear T,

Oh wow, I don't even know where to start with that dream last night. But I seriously think the gist of it is worth remembering. I am feeling very tearful this morning after it. An old school friend. Buried truths. Hidden hurts and animosities. She sent a letter about her struggles with her son, and for some reason I decided to reach out to try and 'help'?. Maybe because I recognised some of me in what she was describing. But she wouldn't talk to me. Cue the hidden hurts and animosities. She said something like "because a part of you is you, and a part of you is (my name)". And all I could do was burst into years and plead "and who is (my name)??".

We had a heartfelt exchange of words, and whilst I never did tell her the root cause, I did tell her that I was dealing with some stuff that was just incomprehensible to a 14 year old. How I am struggling to get my head round it as an adult, so how did I stand a chance as a teenager. I spent some time trying to describe my feelings and my life back then... I just only wish I could remember the picture and the words I used.

She seemed to understand, a little. She had no idea I couldn't remember as much as I can't. Was taken aback by my questions, and I was seriously surprised that she was hiding these hidden hurts, about me. I didn't think anyone would have cared one iota. I didn't think I was significant enough to matter.

Maybe I still don't, in real life.

I would like to have that sort of conversation. For sure. I would like things to be released. But maybe this dream is just another step on this weird as **** journey that I'm on.

Thank you so much for confirming tomorrow.

Dear F,

I'm feeling so triggered.

I know part of it stems from just talking to my cousin yesterday even though it wasn't heavy topics at all.

It's just odd trying to move on given our history.

I finally did what you suggested but I still so worthless doing so.

It's also my own fault for the large gap between our sessions. Thanks for creating an extra spot. 9 days to go but it's better then the 3 weeks.

Ahhh! Two more days! I’m so so nervous/scared of what you will want to talk about.

You emailed me some appointment times and I replied back and then mentioned I had taken the first dose of pristiq and was feeling buzzed and fuzzy headed but overall ok. You said "glad the first dose is down." Thats the kinda stuff that would turn me on if my transference T had said it. So I just read your email and then deleted it so I wouldn't have to look at it again.

I get the healthy at any size movement. But whats the issue with losing more weight? You haven't straight out told me I look too skinny or anything. I just don't want to go into too many things at once and get called certain names again.

Why do I keep checking my email, knowing you won’t write back! ugh.

Really struggling with what we talked about on Monday, feeling very alone with it as I can't discuss it with anyone.

Sitting with feeling ****** is dumb

I feel like you will fire me if I lose more weight but the thing is I want to so I don't get why I can't choose what I want to do for my own self without worrying about getting in trouble with you. I do know you are not the only one who has told me to stop losing weight but still.

I HATE this fact about therapy. I have so many feelings about it, and no one in my “real life” would understand. They probably think therapy is terrible for me.

Thank you for your support today.
I'm glad you're OK, and deeply embarrassed by my skill in jumping to conclusions.
You said it was nothing too serious, and yet my mind still went there.

Maybe that's a conversation we need to have?

It’s so rubbish isn’t it! I’m not emailing him in between sessions to avoid the ‘I hear you are feeling bad about it, we can discuss it next week etc’ email. That makes me feel like a squashed pea.