Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

Do you think its weird that I do my remote sessions with you in my bed? Its not like I have a lot of other options. With the time we meet when we're doing remote, people in my house are still sleeping and its not like theres a lot of privacy in my house to begin with. So its either the bed or the floor pretty much. Some therapists I've refused to let see my room because it was crossing my own boundaries. My transference T was never allowed to see my room.

To be honest I sometimes like that look of pity you give me. Or else its a look of concern. Its normally when we talk about food. I've had other therapists give it to me too. Also during food related conversations.

Dear T,
I had a good discussion with H tonight regarding D and some other stuff while we were out. Seems we're generally on the same page about tomorrow's meeting (and he agrees with your suggested plan for next school year). And he was really supportive when I was having a panic attack and struggling to eat during it. He also said how I did great in the week after his surgery. Of course my brain went to "I don't deserve this," but I tried to switch that off as best I could. And I did him a favor to keep him from stressing his hip further tonight.

I'm anxious about the meeting tomorrow, but I know I can get through it. I can always turn off my camera if I feel emotional (I don't want to make myself the focus of the meeting again....). I'm a bit sad I won't be seeing you tomorrow and that we only have two sessions this week. But I'm thinking maybe it's better if I have a day to process the meeting before seeing you anyway?

Love,
LT

My how interesting it is that my therapy continues in my head, going on 6 months out... my internalized version of you/your voice in my head is very present.

Thank you for the option of talking to you this past weekend when my parents were gone, even if I did not take you up on the offer and had panic attacks. Kit

Last session you randomly told me you ate a burger and you said it sheepishly. Is all my food talk making you feel bad or something? I don't mean it. Its just a big part of what I'm dealing with at the moment. I had half a Coke for dinner tonight. Your burger was probably a better choice.

The last few days have been challenging.
See you in the morning - can you help me find the words?

I'll never admit this to you in person, but when my camera wasn't working today I was flipping you the bird. Or maybe I will mention it next week if you still don't get the level of irritability and depression I've been having lately. I get it though. You think it's a med thing that you can't help with.

Other people's stuff makes me cringe. I don't want to be like this, but I want to scream because my pain is consuming and their stupid crap seems so melodramatic by comparison. If I was speaking to you, you would encourage me to dig into my own repressed dramatic responses but since you are on holiday you aren't giving me a second thought so screw you, whatever lady.

Dear T,
Got through the meeting this morning. All 90 long minutes of it. The fact that they didn't seem to know what they were doing (I guess it's a new process?) and that there were some technical difficulties helped me to remain emotionally detached.

I was also holding the stone (I guess Stone 3.0 that you gave me...sometime pre-pandemic, the little one) and sort of playing with it for much of the meeting. It helped keep me grounded. Do I tell you that? I probably shouldn't. Maybe I can just say I held you with me in my mind or something.

As much as I was initially sad that you were going to be out today, I'm honestly glad it worked out this way. I didn't sleep too well last night, and then after the meeting, I felt I had very little brainpower left. I'm not sure how productive or useful of a session it would have been. Maybe I'd have let my emotions out in there, I don't know. Hopefully, I can do that tomorrow.

Love,
LT

Hi A: It was good to talk to you tonight! I am super nervous about starting this DBT group, but I think with you as the T, it will help ease some of the anxiety. I feel so extremely lucky in getting to know all of these wonderful T's from the crisis center. I wish I could just see them all! Like I need 17 T's. haha.

Please come back.

I've basically been starving myself since Friday because of the amount of stomach pain I'm in. It has nothing to do with eating disorders. No I wont go to the ER like you probably would. I have a doctors appointment on Monday. I have to tell you I got my biopsy set up for this Friday and I'm super freaked out. I did buy vegetables today but I don't think you'll understand the ones I got.

Dear T,
There was nothing objectively wrong with session today (well, your commenting on the text at your phone at the start maybe...), but I felt detached from you. Was it obvious? I don't understand how I can feel connected in my head in the time between session, but then when I actually see you, I feel disconnected. Maybe it was partly you, but I feel at least some of it was me. I even tried to connect by telling you the funny thing D said about me and the tree, and it felt a little connected, but not what it would have felt, say, a month ago.

Am I trying to protect myself? Do I not feel "safe" yet after the rupture? I'm wondering if we need to talk about it a little more. Or if it's just a time thing? I imagine it may not have helped that you were off yesterday, so it was longer than usual between sessions, plus I'm just seeing you twice this week.

I don't want to bring anything up about it Friday because, well, it's Friday, and only 1 of the last 3 Fridays wasn't a mess (the most recent one, but still...). Kinda want to see how I feel then, and if I still feel distant, maybe I can address it Monday?

Love,
LT

That’s ok, I don’t have time for me either.

Dear T,
I imagine you won't have anything available in the next 2 days, or else it will be at 12 or 1 tomorrow, when I couldn't, because I have to pick up D. But I thought I'd ask. I mean, I was crying in the car with her--clearly I'm not OK. I don't know if this is about yesterday's school meeting hitting me now, being affected by what you said in session today, something regarding you and perhaps the rupture, or some other thing entirely. But I'm clearly not fully coping right now. I just feel weird asking for something when I did a week ago, but our schedule is also strange this week. And I suppose I'm sort of hoping that if you don't have anything, you will say it's fine to email. Because right now, I'm not sure if that's fine unless it's "urgent," and I'm not sure how you define that anymore. Though I also definitely see how the one I sent two Thursdays ago that you were referencing did not appear urgent, because I made it about you, not me.

Love,
LT

You told me to cut down on the soda and get the Crystal Light packets. I was agaisnt the idea at first for other reasons. But this afternoon I bought a few of those litte liguid squeeze bottles of Kool Aid and Mio. Not really because I want to cut out soda, but mainly I am worried I am heading into dehydration since plain water has been bothering me. So thats another suggestion of yours I've taken.

Dear T,
Thanks, I hope tomorrow helps and I don't regret it!
Love,
LT

Do you like the Mio? I have tried a few, but couldnt get into them. They squirt weird, they taste weird, and they had expiration dates after opening!? That last was too much for me to keep track of! I will drink maybe 2 or 3 of the same flavor, the go back to water or tea or a different flavor. I have like a million different crystal lights. I dont like the really caffeinated ones. Unfortunately their grape has it, but i gotta have my grape!! The Canada Dry ginger ale ones are gross. The Root beer is not too bad, esp as a float!

That's good! Means some thing in there is fresh

I tried a sweet tea Mio last night and it wasn't bad. I also got a orange vanilla vitamin Mio I haven't tried yet and a tropical punch Kool Aid one I had this morning. They arent bad, but yeah I know what you mean about keeping up with them before they expire.

I guess. But i would never use the whole thing. It was like buying a gallon of full cream.

Thank you for talking to me last night. I felt better exploring my anxiety over the weekend. And you thought it was good that I could recognize that I was being paranoid. I'm glad you are my T. I hope one day I can see you in person. Kit

Dear T,
That was really helpful today, thank you. And thanks for not being weird about my bringing up your wife's phone call a couple weeks ago and agreeing that it was "awkward"--I really hadn't intended to bring that up today, so I'm not sure where that came from. Well, disruptions to sessions, I guess.

But the stuff about D was what was really helpful. You hit it right on the nose with that one thing you said--I imagine that was obvious from my immediate tears.

You mentioned I could say to H that I need him to sit with me on some of this sadness about D. Which I'll try doing. I had the thought driving home that *you* were sitting with me in the sadness today. So thank you for that. It's what I needed (and what I'd meant to have yesterday, I just couldn't connect).

Love,
LT

Dear T,
This seemed like a weird PS, so separate note. Are you possibly autistic? (like what was formerly known as Asperger's syndrome). The way you said a couple things today regarding it being difficult for therapists on the spectrum and also how it's difficult for people who get diagnosed after their teens, as then they're just the class weirdo--it made me raise an eyebrow in my mind. And it would make a lot of sense in some ways. Of course, it's nothing I'd ever ask you in real life, and it doesn't matter if you are or aren't. This isn't something I'm going to get hung up on. Just a "hm...."
Love,
LT