Couch 237: Social Rules

Omg, good point.

Because if i were rightly rewarded, i would be president for all the initiative i've taken.

Another perspective: none of this should be your job, aside from paying the co-pay. You are forced to set things up for yourself and for her, rather than have her take care of it for you as nearly all other therapists would. And while she absolutely intended what she said as a compliment, instead on some level you feel uncared for and unseen. She is missing the dynamic at play and reinforcing the status quo by saying "thank you!" rather than "you shouldn't have to do that." But it seems like kind of a little thing to feel frustrated with having to do for her, so rather than balk at it or get angry, you just feel generally uneasy and unhappy. (It might also subconsciously link to having to be prematurely self-reliant in childhood too, or at least it would for me.)

Manatee childhood parentification certainly applies to me. There was never any "doing together." It was, show me how, then i do it myself forever. Then eventually get made fun of for how i adapted it. Straight out of "How Not To Raise Children."

WOW EM! I think you hit the nail on the head. I wasn't even thinking about it this way (particularly as some of my schizoaffective thinking is out today and I am a bit paranoid, anxious, and agitated which is making thinking more difficult in general) but yes I do feel generally uneasy and unhappy having to do the things that the T should do. I had to sign up for Zoom Pro so that we could have the full session and she hasn't even done that. You're right. It's a little thing. It shouldn't bother me. But on some level I think it does. It sort of reinforces the idea that maybe she can't help me. That I am not in it with her, or that she is not in it with me. That I have to be self-reliant, which as you linked it to, I had to be self-reliant in childhood when my parents should have been taking care of me, and I don't want to be complimented for it. Of course, being the non-confrontational person that I am, I doubt I can actually bring any of this up in therapy where you know, it would be helpful to talk about. But definitely an eye-opening response to my post and I thank you very much!

I am feeling so agitated. I know it is part of the schizoaffective disorder, but I don't get agitation very often, not this bad at least. I couldn't decide if I was hyper anxious or feeling paranoid so I didn't know what PRN to take but I finally decided to take the Lybalvi which is for the Schizoaffective Disorder, and which has some calming properties. Except I am not feeling very calm. I am having some trouble "sitting with myself" and I feel like I need to move, which unfortunately I am at work. I can take a walk to the water cooler or something but it's not going to settle down the part that feels so agitated. I keep rubbing my face and my hands and I'm sure it looks really odd and I'm trying to stop but I feel compelled to do it. I think I am anxious at the same time which is a lot of thoughts in my head that are difficult to sort. I think I am paranoid some today too which might just be a magnification of the anxiety, or it might be it's own manifestation, so I am trying to not feel watched and spied upon, at the same time, realizing that I am anxious and feeling like some stuff is out of my control. I am having a hard time being me at the moment. It does not help that I have very little to do at work at the moment, though I might get more work later. So I am having trouble getting sufficiently distracted or focused, so the face rubbing and hand rubbing goes on. I am trying to do deep breathing and meditation and stuff that I know should help but I am having trouble completing it. So I am talking about it here, of course, hoping someone will relate.

That's a lot to pay on top of what you're already paying her, Kit. Spending time setting up the session takes away from time that you could use to prepare for your appointment, or do self-care, or....

EM made some excellent points.

Thank you, Lost.

Agitation is starting to feel a bit better. I'm still having it but it is lessening. I think the Lybalvi is helping the agitation but it's making my concentration crap.

Some really good points here!

Took the insurance exam a second time today and didn't pass it again, now I have to decide if I want to take it a third time.

Repair shop called, where I have had my car for the past two days. They could not get it to replicate the sound. So they didn't fix anything. My Mom and Dad are going to go pick it up for me. Probably tomorrow when I drive my car again it will make the clunking sound again. That is my kind of luck!

I'm sorry you didn't pass. That must be hard.

I'm glad my thoughts were helpful to you, Kit. I also wanted to add -- in case it wasn't 100% clear -- that I don't think this is a little thing and I do think you are absolutely justified in feeling upset about it. I think most people would feel put out by it and especially people with any sort of neglect in their background.

I am generally a conscientious, responsible person too, and my impulse to "take care of" my T (as she puts it) has come up several times in different ways over the years. Sometimes I'm just being kind in a way that's in character for me, but sometimes I realize I am doing it because I (subconsciously) think she won't like me or want to help me if I don't please her, which is an unhelpful pattern from childhood.

I also think it's okay to not bring it up with her if you don't feel like you can. Sometimes just recognizing what you feel and why is a huge accomplishment, even if you're not ready to do anything about it right now.

It is, I think there are certain concepts that I can't seem to grasp no matter how many times I go over them.

Well, no charge for my car. Which is a nice break considering they did not actually fix anything. I'm sure the sound will start up in a day or two.

Boy, I hate how I feel on the Lybalvi so I hardly ever take it. Then I forget how bad I feel on it. Then I mess up and take it again. I feel so depersonalized, so out of it, so dizzy and dazed. Like I just need to sleep it off. Good thing is I am having zero agitation now, zero paranoia, zero anxiety, if I have depression I'm too apathetic to care because I feel nothing with the Lybalvi. I'm a freaking Zombie.

Hugs if wanted SK

SK, I'm echoing Lost and EM here. Zoom Pro is a lot... it's also her job to figure out setting up the session. I'd feel unhappy even if it seems small because it's sloppy/unprofessional of the T. You're paying for your time with her, and it's her job to figure out the tech or admin stuff behind the scenes.

I'm also really puzzled by how does she seem to have a number of clients but struggle with setting up Zoom?

My T does telehealth across timezones (I learned that yesterday when I said I don't think I can, after I move countries) and I know she'd say that's the therapist's job to set up Zoom or whatever platform.

I agree that this should be the responsibility of the T to set up. Zoom also seems relatively easy to set up--and I think she could opt to use the same meeting code for a particular client (mine has said he could have done that, but chose to create a new one each time for security reasons).

That's good that your T will do sessions across time zones. Do you have any sense of when your move could be?

I just looked it up, and it's fifteen bucks a month?! Yikes! Why does she not pay for it herself? And what does she do when the forty minutes are up? Just cut the session short? It seems like a raw deal for her clients all around. Whatever you pay for sessions should also be paying for her to buy her own software for her business.

Yeah, she should get it for herself because she does have other clients. However I get the feeling I am the only one she uses Zoom for and the rest she just talks on the telephone with. But I like to see my T's face and their reactions and such. Talking on the phone isn't the same for me. It doesn't feel therapy-ish. I tend to shut down while talking on the phone and there is a lot of silence. Then the T has to ask if I am still there. I've always been that way, not just with this T. She didn't cut the session short when the Zoom ran out last week, she just called me on my cell phone, which thankfully was charged, for the last 15 minutes. I mean, it worked, it just upset the flow of the conversation, and I couldn't see her or see her reactions or anything like that.

I'm not too annoyed about the cost because I teach a class (to just one person, it's a religious class) on Saturday's and I would have needed it anyway to go longer than 40 minutes. And we typically use Zoom on Saturday mornings for an hour to an hour and 15 minutes. So it's not like I wouldn't have ended up paying for it anyway.

I think I'm more bothered by her not setting it up and having things prepared for me. Like somehow, I'm not worth the hassle or bother of her learning a new skill. But she is 72 or 73. I think I would want people to give me grace if I still had to work at that age. So I will probably never tell her that it bothers me a little. It just hits on some nerves from being a child and not being properly looked after or taken care of. But I'm an adult now and I am capable of setting up Zoom for my therapist and as long as she is good in other areas, then I can overlook this. At some point I should bring up the feelings about not being taken care of in childhood properly but that's hard to do.

Thank you all for helping me to walk through this emotions and figure them out. I feel less "bad" about myself now than I did yesterday.

Therapy last night was kind of difficult because I didn't have a lot to say. I should have talked more about the agitation and paranoia and anxiety that I had earlier in the day and the struggles I had after I took the PRN medication for it. Instead I mostly focused on things at work that were bothering me. It was a lighter session but it was okay because the T said she felt like she got to know me more. We also kind of briefly talked about a friend of mine who is not doing well physically and is on hospice and who is not expected to live that much longer. We probably should have worked through those feelings more but it was hard to think because of the medication that I took to deal with the paranoia and agitation and anxiety. Lighter sessions are good sometimes though. I didn't have any big crisis that needed to be discussed and she said she was glad I didn't have a big crisis every week.

Thanks, Kit. That's really validating for me. I'm glad I'm not the only one who prefers Zoom if it's not possible to work face to face. I find phone conversations challenging, a whole lot of 'You can't see me, but I'm nodding' on my end...

I'm sorry about your friend. It's OK to take hard things slowly when discussing them in therapy. (Maybe I should take my own advice.)

HUGS

Thanks LT. and thanks for the HUGS