Would you see a T who had a very different life path

For those of you who are moms or caregivers, would you choosee to go to a T if you knew they never had kids?

I'm considering changing T and have seen a new one a handful of times. The new T is much older than me (possibly late 50's) and appears to be a good fit but I just discovered she doesn't have kids. Obviously of course I know you don't need to have had kids to be a good therapist. but I do have very young kids and whilst they are not a huge stressor for me other than the regular stress raising kids brings (which is stressful in of itself I know) and I wonder if it would cause a lot of gaps in our ability to relate to each other. I have friends who don't have kids and it's a very different relationship (not in a negative way) to those who do. I guess what I mean is that my main reason for going to therapy to help heal my attachment wounds and complex trauma from my own childhood so that I can change my unhealthy patterns and break generational cycles and not pass my negative traits onto them but not necessarily about my kids per se but as is the case with kids they also will take up alot of my focus directly and indirectly.

Would you think my T not having kids matters?

I can't have children, and L doesn't have children yet. I see her for attachment wounds and trauma too. I find, right now, that I prefer her not having children. Because when she does, I know it's going to trigger major jealousy of the child for having her as a mom.

It's totally preference. If you think you'd prefer someone with children, that's perfectly okay.

At the stage I'm at right now (with a preschooler and a baby), my kids' needs are so intense and parenting things pop up so frequently that I don't think I could see a therapist who didn't have children. There are things that people without children think they know about how to raise children that can be completely at odds with the actual lived experience. If I'm likely to get into tricky/complicated topics, I need to know that they know firsthand what they're talking about. Some of the worst things that happened to me happened when I was quite young and there are unpleasant reminders that pop up indirectly because of my kids' developmental stages, so the parenting stuff and the trauma stuff can get blurry for me. That's a big part of why I need a therapist who has kids at this stage in my life.

That being said, I've had two therapists who I have been close to and who helped me make big positive changes in my life (as sort of mother figures). One has kids and the other did not, and they were both excellent in their roles. So I don't think somebody needs to be a parent in order to help with attachment issues. Many things that therapists are trained to do are also the things that good parents do for their children, and the therapeutic relationship has been really helpful for me in working with attachment issues.

So the bottom line for me would be how much I think practical everyday parenting stuff might come up vs. how much of my own attachment needs might be called forth for examination with this person (and do I feel safe with them). Like Scarlet said, it really comes down to personal preference.

Hm, this is an interesting question. I feel like my therapist relates to me better about parenting issues because he has a child of his own. Because quite a bit of my stress involves my daughter (in part because she's special needs), it helps to be able to feel the parenting connection with my T (and his son may also be special needs, but it's a complicated story). And ex-MC and ex-T had kids, too.

However, if your kids are NOT a big stressor for you, I feel like it could work. (Of course, it's hard to know when they could potentially become a stressor!) But I completely get preferring someone with kids.

Hm, it's certainly not the same thing as having them, but out of curiosity, does that therapist also work with kids and/or teens? As that could affect her perspective, like she might have a greater understanding of kids, even if not from the perspective of a parent.

My T doesn't have children, it was not an issue until I had a baby last year. He doesn't know what it's like to have a child so it's hard talking to him about parenting stuff. I suppose he's just repeating what he's heard other parents say. I haven't asked him why he doesn't have children, but I did ask if he liked them...he said they were ok as long as they aren't crying!

Anyway yes I wish he had children so he could understand me better.

If the T has the qualities to form a good relationship with you that Imo is what’s essential. With those qualities we could work together despite and perhaps because of any differences like gendar, race, or personal decisions to have children or not.

However, if it matters to you then it’s important and you may want to consider a T who is a parent. Of course they could have a very different parenting style that may impact their relationship with you. With a good T all that doesn’t matter so much imo

I’m older, and I would try to find someone of similar life stage. I often find much younger people don’t get the issues of aging. My therapists once I was out of college, were generally of similar stage of life as me. It was helpful.

I personally prefer therapists who raise/raised children.

I am both. Meaning work with kids for over 30 years and am a parent/stepparent/grandparent/stepgrandparent. Not the same thing. Just not. Not even close. The issue I might ever have to address in therapy has no correlation to any professional experience. Different things whatsoever. Both are valuable but not in the same way

I really don't know much about my Therapist so I probably wouldn't want one.

She does do some work with kids I think but ya I don't think it's the same she may just understand developmental changes at a certain age. I also don't mean to imply my kids never cause me stress because of course they do and I do know there will likely be different stages where they cause me more stress than they do now. It just came up for me and I was curious if others had good experiences even if their therapist did not have kids. I did find myself kinda censoring myself with my T about my kids (which is something that I know I do with my friends who don't have kids )

I do understand wanting a therapist who knows about what you're dealing with, however, therapist usually do not have the same personal experience as their clients. Like diagnoses, trauma, etc. And yet they're still able to help us.

I’m a longtime patient and currently in school to be a therapist. What they’ve told us at school is that if our own struggles/history line up too closely with our clients’ issues/history that we might have some difficultly keeping our equilibrium.

That said, I taught kids with special needs before having my own, and I had NO IDEA how hard the evening hours are for families until I had my own kids. 5pm witching hour is no joke.

But I wouldn’t rule out a therapist without kids just on that detail.

This is am issue I have run into with my therapist while she does have a child he is 7. I have 3 with the youngest being 21. There have been multiple times that her comments have not sit well with me. Mostly surrounding kids moving out, me worrying about them, etc. For a while it seemed like she felt once kids are adults we should stop worring about them. We have disagreements however she wad willing to learn and listen. Once she told me a discussion we had made her finally understand the worry she caused her mom as a young adult.

This is a really good point and something my current therapist has mentioned before. He said it can come up, for example, in cases where a former drug addict is treating a current one, how they can think their path to sobriety is the only one and what the client needs to follow. When that isn't the case.

My former marriage counselor had some similar issues to mine, like an anxiety disorder (plus some father issues), and I wonder at times if that's part of what ultimately caused some problems between us. Like maybe I reminded him too much of himself. It did seem sometimes like he was almost critical of my anxiety, perhaps in the sense of "I managed to work with it, so why can't you?"

Oh, I would agree with that, as a parent of a special needs child. I mean, she recently has caused some issues at school (after not doing so before). But a former friend, who was childless, used to teach special needs kids, and she was often very critical of my parenting. Saying things like we let our D rule the house. But she didn't know what it was actually like. That, for example, we had to pick our battles, or else home life would be a nightmare much of the time. Plus kids often hold it together at school, then fall apart at home.

Oh, I understand that it's not close. I don't work with kids, but have one of my own. Just more something I was curious about regarding the OP.

I like having one at a similar life stage as well. Mine is 7 years older, so I consider him to be in the same generation. It's helpful that we can understand each other's cultural references and such.


We also both have kids in our county's public school system, though my daughter is entering her last year of elementary school and his son (I think) might be starting his first year of high school. But we can both lament things about our local school system, for example.

But why don't you just SeT a BoUnDaRy??

I have a hard enough time sometimes with my (so far) neurotypical kids, and I can't imagine parenting a kid with special needs.

ETA: Have you ever read The Explosive Child? I don't know if it would work well for neurodiverse kids, but I picked up several strategies there that help me manage situations more adeptly while also mostly keeping the peace.

Right? Yes, because boundaries always work! No kid has ever tried to cross a boundary

We'll send my D to time out for some things, then she'll complain about being in time out or ask why she's in time out. I'll be like, "You know why!"

I read that book ages ago (like maybe when she was 3--she's 11 now), as ex-T recommended it. I should probably read it again. Will have to see if I can find what I did with it. Thanks for reminding me of it!

Ha! I read it when mine turned three too! What an age, man...

It seems so hard to find a decent, affordable therapist who has availability. I don’t think I’d rule one out who didn’t have kids. I think I’d prioritize other traits/ attributes. I wonder if it could be that a therapist who hasn’t got children is in someway more committed to their clients?

Interesting perspective. I. had actually wondered if this was a possibility also.

Ok… here, as I see it, is the massive difference between working with kids and having them.

When I work with kids I have empathy for the kids. Sometimes I have empathy for the whole family. But mainly for the kids. It’s super easy to judge parents when your job is to care for and identify with kids.

As a parent, you experience humility and desperation in a way that most non-parents, especially ones who think they know a lot about behaviour and emotion, have no clue about. Without that empathy, that look of specific recognition, from a person who—despite being a mental health professional and having read every book on the parenting shelf—has been reduced to tears by sleeplessness and tantrums and shocked by the unfortunate things they themselves have said or done to the small, vulnerable people in their care, I don’t think I’d be able to let my guard down fully.

(NB if the therapist has super easy kids and/or their co-parent does 85% of the parenting, they might not have that hard-won in-the-trenches experience. Once the principal of my child’s school gave me “advice” for getting her to school on time—set an alarm on your phone!—when the issue was that she hated school and was locking herself in the closet and screaming every morning for an hour, and I realized his parenting experience was non-contributory.)

Ya I'm a school teacher and am a very empathic person and prior to not having kids thought I had an idea of what it was like. Then I went and had kids and realized I had NO clue. Almost felt like I needed to go back to all my parent friends and apologies for the friend I'd been before I had kids. lol. The sleepless nights and many other things combined and what is often said and done as a result for example are something no one can really appreciate until experienced. I did most of the night wake ups for the 1st year as my partner was working and I'd argue he still didn't quite 'get it' lol.

Even now I know for sure that some my friends who have have a whole other layer of experience that I don't quite fully understand or appreciate even though I try too....

I wonder if we would lead me to censoring talking about my kids. As I mentioned I do that already with some of my single friends as I know one or two of them just don't get it and the responses back can be unhelpful so I just say nothing or
I often feel they don't really want to hear about my kids anyway although they don't say that so some of that could be projection.

I do appreciate that she could still help me in lots of ways and normally would make no difference. I guess it's just a big gap in our understanding but it's not just a one off gap like I had a certain type of childhood and she didn't it's more a consistent gap in how we live our lives and as LT said my children may be more of a stressor at certain times that I need that level of understanding?

You make some good points here--the part I bolded particularly resonated with me.

There was something (a thought) I shared with my T that I feel would have sounded absolutely horrible to someone without kids or who had "easy" kids (or simply loved every aspect of parenting). And it helped me immensely that he shared how he'd had similar thoughts before. And that most parents had. But it meant more *his* saying he'd thought it vs. "Oh, yes, many of my clients/friends who are parents have said that." It made me feel validated and less ashamed for having thought it. I'm not sure I'd have admitted it to a childless T or one who acted like parenting was amazing (he'd made comments before about how parenting can be really difficult, etc., so it felt like he'd be understanding).