Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

I’m sorry for disappointing you. You never said you were but why wouldn’t you be. I’m a mess. I’m always a mess. I’m so sorry.

"Call you around 1:30" my arse. It's almost 2:30 and nothing.

edit: quarter to four and still nothing. wtf??????

I didn't really get why you were eating in front of me today. It seemed kind of strange. And it was more like snacking on yogurt covered peanuts or something.

Dear T,
Felt very disconnected today. Did you have to bring up the money thing? Plus mentioning the other female client who keeps misreading you (you could have just said "a client" and used "they" or something). Maybe I can't keep doing this with you, I don't know. I'm aware that might seem random after last week's seeming breakthrough, but maybe I can just take that and run with it elsewhere or something.

I imagine this feeling of wanting to go elsewhere won't last. I want to work with you, but I just want the connection to be more predictable, I guess. I want you to understand me more, after all this time, all these 50-minute hours.

I don't know.

Love,
LT

Hey L. In vino veritas, and all that. This evening's writings are filled with uncomfortable truths. Ugh. I'm writing about my over-use of "I don't know" which has 3 different meanings, depending on the situation, and about some other stuff related to what we talked about the other day. So much is coming up for me. I will NOT go back to sleep this time. No no no. i love this keyboard but it isn't keeping my fingers ont he right keys and i have to keep correcting myself oh this wine is hitting me big time now.oh well sigh

Last week's f2f session was a bit of a nightmare and it's left me with some very uncomfortable thoughts and feelings. Please be your best T self today.... I don't think I could cope with another bad session.

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That was interesting. Are we switching subjects? You know, at the beginning I was wondering if you actually had a plan, now it seems to me that you have a really good plan, you just choose not to share it with me. That's okay, it works for me. Cheers!

I feel straight up abandoned by you, and I feel like you should know by now that abandonment is a huge trigger for me. You said you'd call yesterday at 1:30 and you didn't until 4:30 and you didn't have any info to give me and then you said you'd call this morning and you didn't and I'm ****ing sick of this pocket full of posey. At least someone else from ACT to call to "remind me" of an appointment YOU were supposed to tell me about.

So you can go rot in hell. Worthless POS.

The email is really sweet, but...I wish you would have called.

Theres not much going on today that would involve you. Our session yesterday was enough at this point. I don't know. I think turning 30 was really stressing me out and then it happened and everything was ok. Or some **** like that. I'd been dreading turning 30 since I was 28.

You said exactly what I needed to hear. I don’t know why I still worry so much. After all this time, I should trust the person that you are. Thank you. You were right about why I got in the situation I did. I’m glad I didn’t need to explain. I’m glad you put it in words without me saying.

I read a comment last night on Facebook where someone made a transphobic comment about a trans guy looking malnourised. Thats why I asked you about it. You pretty much just said anyone can be malnourised at any weight and I need to eat better and drink more water. And some **** about the poodle again.

Dear T,
Thanks for apologizing. I really don't think you used the actual phrase "I'm sorry" before regarding that, with your reaction to the "love stuff."

And some of what I couldn't talk about today were my feelings about handing you that check. But I know that talking to you about that can't possibly lead anywhere good. So I'll hold it in and hope that it doesn't explode out at some inopportune time. And I know you said I gave it to you before you were expecting it, but I didn't want you asking about it again in a few weeks (because God only knows how long it will take Anthem to process the last few claims for December or whether they'll do them the correct way or the way where you get extra money).

Thanks for the empathy about D today, too. Of course it was another rough afternoon, so maybe we should have spent all of today on that. But I don't know what else to say about it right now. I'll start looking for more resources.

Love,
LT

Thank you so much for acknowledging my email.

I agree that we should talk about it more tomorrow.

Dear T,
I feel completely fine about what I said in last night's email. I wasn't feeling anxious about your reply. I figured you might just say "Thanks for sharing, LT," which I'd be good with. But now it's almost 9:30 and you nearly always reply before that. So *now* I'm starting to feel anxious...

I hope it's just that you're busy this morning. Or saw it as an email that didn't really need a response (it's not like I asked you for anything). But I'm a bit worried you're either bothered/annoyed by it or working on some long response--and those usually aren't good. I certainly wouldn't want that sort of reply right before I'm meeting my friend, if you send it later. And if you don't say anything at all in response, I'm just going to feel weird.

So could you at least acknowledge it? Maybe you're just trying not to encourage email... But I think you'd just be direct then, right? Not passive-aggressively choosing not to reply, when you know I at least like acknowledgement.

Sigh...why do I do this to myself?

Love,
LT

Dear T,
OK, going out to lunch with my friend in a few. Hoping I can put this out of my mind. If you haven't replied by the time I'm home, I'm sending some sort of follow-up.

Hope you're not annoyed with me. Also, hope you're not dead.

Love,
LT

It feels like you are using a 'tactic' on me, and I'm both glad and annoyed. Glad because it appears to be working but also annoyed because it seems to be working, and because I suggested it, in a roundabout way, I think.

What was with the 5'3 310 pound person in your example? It seemed like oddly specefic numbers. Not that I'm judging. Its just odd if your telling me your height and weight

Dear T,
Whatever. You could have come up with a better response than that. At least some sort of explanation, not just "sorry about that, confirming receipt." Maybe I just need to be done.


But I could also really use your support the next couple weeks, regarding D, so I don't know. Maybe we just talk about that and not the relationship for a couple weeks. And then I go find someone else who understands things like attachment and abandonment fears (and who can deal with love).

--LT

HUGS, LT if wanted. Kit

Thanks, Kit. I'll accept the hugs.

I'm sorry he responded like that, LT.

I wish we could've met tomorrow. It just wouldn't have worked with my schedule. Oh, well. Sigh.

Thanks, Artie. I did end up writing back and saying how the other times he hadn't replied in the morning he'd either been irritated with me or gave an explanation as to why he hadn't responded. So I was concerned he was bothered by the email. And he wrote back to say that he had a deadline that morning, so he didn't reply to any morning emails, that it had nothing to do with me.

Which helped some, but I'm still worried about session tomorrow.

Eh, T, that wasn't that helpful. Thanks for trying though. Kit