Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

I keep thinking about Steve's podcasts.
Truth be told, I'm not sure how many of them still exist.
I know I couldn't listen to his voice right now, but the thought that I may not be able to retrieve them at some point in the future is harrowing.

And now I feel like I put a curse on things since you just called saying you caught covid and have to switch to remote today.

damn it all.

I make it five more sleeps, and I'm very grateful for that.

iwanttoseeyou

It's been 3 days since you wrote me. Can you please respond tomorrow? Please! You say you don't forget me. I'm feeling forgotten. I really need you right now. I'm feeling pretty hopeless.

Dear T,
I hope you didn't view our discussion yesterday as pushing you on your feelings. I think it's different asking about feelings of acceptance rather than...other feelings. I hope you saw it that way, too. You seemed OK with the discussion (and your body language matched that) and even said you were. So I will trust in that. Yes.

And you seem to realize how important it is for me to continue this discussion with you. You understand that it's unfinished and that it's not good to leave it that way. I'm not sure what finishing it will look like yet, though. I suppose answering the questions I mentioned about what exactly I'm feeling and wanting and why? And maybe tying it into other stuff that is not about you? The onion plant thing.

I suppose I have a few days to ponder all that....

Love,
LT

Thank you! I needed more, but it was good enough seeing you're on vacation.

Happy New Year K, I won't send you a message, as much as I really want to. I will wait until later in the week. I hope that you had a good one 🙂

I'm so lonely and unhappy tonight, L. I don't know what to do. I wish I could talk to you.

Dear T,
Happy New Year! Wish I was seeing you tomorrow, but it's OK. Enjoy your day off. And it will give me more time to think about what I actually want to talk about, too.
Love,
LT

I'm glad we got the job application filled out together. I feel like thats a great example of a productive session.

I think I'm starting to miss you now. 2 weeks was a good break, I felt I could recover. This next week is.. well maybe not too much, but I could do without it.

So, I went to the cinema today.
I enjoyed the film, but it's just clicked that I didn't really relax.
Hypervigilance in the cinema continues to be a thing.

'How dare I have feelings?'

Dear K,

What I wanted to write on the end of that message was "I would really like to see you, human to human, at some point in the year", but I'm not ready to hear the possible answer. I'm not ready to hear you say that you don't feel it's right, or that you don't want to.

And whilst I would love it, I also think I have some more work to do, on my past, before that happens (it it ever would). I want to free myself from those chains that tie me down, and that has to be my focus right now.

I would love one day to be free of that trauma, and to meet with you. To tell you that I did it. To tell you that I faced it and that I processed it all. That would mean far more to me than meeting you where I am at right now.

Anyway, I still love you and I think I always will,

Me.

Dear T
By the time we next talk it will have been 19 days between sessions. I know you needed the holiday break, I probably did too, but I always struggle to feel connected again after more than a couple of weeks. It would help if I could see you in person, but I don't know if that is going to be possible yet. The benefits of a f2f session are kind of outweighed by the stress of the situation I'm in, and I'm not coping with that very well at the moment. I fear that by the time we eventually get to speak again I will have shut down even further and find it even more difficult to verbalise the various 'elephants in the room.'

It's also only a few weeks away from the first anniversary of losing ex-T. I know I will want to talk about her and process the loss a bit more, but I'm wary of bringing that particular topic up with you. Not that you've ever made me feel bad about it; it's an internal feeling I have that I should be over it by now and not still thinking about her and missing her. That in itself is probably something we should talk about and work through! Then 3 weeks after that anniversary, it's the 4th year since losing M...and I know I will also need to process that loss a bit more. I don't feel like I've ever really been able to grieve properly for her. It's been locked away tight inside and I've not been able to let it out.

Then there's the trauma stuff we need to get back to at some point, whilst still feeling the other self-destruct 'elephant' circling the room.

My head is saying just stop now. If I hadn't already prepaid for the next 3 sessions I might well have been tempted to cancel. I know you would probably give me a refund if I asked for it, but that feels kind of final. I guess I want to have the option of continuing if I need it.

My head is a mess and it all feels a bit overwhelming.

Sent from my SM-A526B using Tapatalk

Dear T,

Thank you, for today. I left feeling much better than when I arrived, and I'm really glad that we managed to talk about that thing... It's been on my 'to mention' list for a few months now, but I've been too scared to. I'm never quite sure what I'm fearful of though, which is strange. You always ask and yet I rarely know. Except the unknown. I can't control your response, which unnerves me. I think I'm scared of not being validated, if I'm honest. Today I think I was scared of you dismissing me, and thinking I'm stupid for thinking that I might be. I'm scared of not being seen. But of course, I couldn't tell you that. I probably should though.

But it went well, that conversation. You didn't judge me for telling people that I am, when I don't even know for sure, and I'm grateful that you also thought it was a helpful strategy at certain times, with certain people. That means a massive amount to me.

And yes, we do think similar, in that it doesn't really matter one way or the other. It doesn't really matter where the symptoms come from, and we will never know for sure, what matters is where I am at right now and how we work with that.

So yeah, thank you. See you on Thursday!

Dear T,

I hope you are back from holidays and had a relaxing time with your family. I am hoping you will contact me tomorrow to schedual a session. I miss you.

As you're back to work can you take the initiative and just give me dates for our next session already. I'm not going to message asking first.

Nothing stopping you from contacting her if you need to.

Looking forward to seeing you tomorrow.

Maybe you can talk some sense into me.

Dear T,
It was nice of you to tell the new backup T,, K, that I'd be "a pleasure to work with" in that email. And it means a lot that you took the time to track someone down when you learned R wouldn't be available. I kind of wish I could just see R again, but maybe it will be helpful to talk to someone different?

Love,
LT

Asked myself in the morning:

"what stops you for asking for what you need?".

The fear of being too much.

Messaged him on WhatsApp and we had a session at 12.

Proud of you, Cake.

It felt good to laugh with you today.

'Did you look at the safeguarding policy before or after the hug?' will set me up for days of laughing.