Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

well, carp.

I'm sorry.

Dear T,
So that was pretty intense today. I feel OK about it though? Like, I don't think I'd been emailing even if you hadn't said I'm emailing a lot today.

And I'm going to do my best not to send you anything for the next couple weeks. I do appreciate that you said if something major happened, of course emailing wouldn't be an issue. I still think a 2-sentence email shouldn't count the same as a 3-paragraph one, though. OK, maybe I am still upset about the email portion of the session, but that was in the beginning. You still never seemed to answer about what's an acceptable amount. It's so hard for me to know. Like are a few brief emails, maybe once a week, the same as a really long one in your mind? And, I mean, the one I sent last week was one sentence thanking you for being supportive that session, so I don't see why that's an issue either?

I think I feel better that I got my doubts about our relationship out there. That I wasn't just holding that all inside. It felt today like you value our relationship and want to keep working with me. I gave you multiple openings to say otherwise, like, "Maybe I need a different sort of therapist." And, I don't know, maybe it's more ethical if you were to encourage me to explore that rather than to say I'd likely bump up against some sort of boundary issues with whoever I saw, unless they had bad boundaries, which would lead to other problems.

But you seemed sort of emotional in talking today, like I saw you wipe away a tear a few times (or at least it looked like it) and your voice was cracking some. It feels like you do value the relationship and wouldn't want me to just go away, even if I can be annoying and trying at times. And also like you do understand and sympathize with some of my struggles regarding the relationship. I think maybe I needed to see and feel that from you?

Love,
LT

I do not understand how on earth I am supposed to be able to look at these things about myself without dissolving into a ball of self-hatred. And I'm not just being dramatic. I really hate some of this **** that I see in myself. You've looked at it sitting across from you for years, how do you stand it? But, I suppose an hour a week is a lot easier than living with it 24-7.

It's late.

I should definitely be sleeping or trying to.

Instead of wearing myself out trying to position my arm, I have been working through a grief workbook.


It's hard to have patience with this process.


At the end of the day, he is still dead, and he is the person I most want to talk with about that fact.

I messed up again.

Can you help me change basically every single thing about mySelf? Where would I even start? Is it even possible? When I look, really look, I don't like what I see, I rather hate most of it, how does one even do this?! Do I grab onto one positive thing that I like about myself and hold onto it for dear life, and somehow go from there?!

Dear T,
Feeling bad about the email thing this morning. I wish I had confirmed whether your policy was still going to remain the same, that this isn't you taking anything away, that it's just about trying to take a little break.

I really thought the whole rule was, if I got above a certain amount/length, you'd charge me for them, then if it was still too much, you'd talk to me about it. But I didn't hit the charging level. Or maybe it's that you know how I react to being charged, and my next email would incur a charge, so you're trying to avoid that for my sake (and maybe yours)?

Of course, I wish I could email to confirm this, but obviously I can't do that! You'd be like, "WTF, LT?????" I'll just ask on Monday. And do my best to stop feeling like a little kid who's been bad.

Love,
LT

i feel like a little kid who's been bad right now too, LT. i don't know if it helps any, but you're not alone in that.

Hugs, Artie. It does help to know I'm not alone, but I'm sorry you're feeling this way, too! It's not fun as a kid or as an adult...

Dear T,
I think the alligator I was petting in my dream last night represents you. It was just nipping at my hand, not seeming like it was trying to hurt me, but it still hurt. And I decided to stop petting it because I didn't want to get hurt more.
Love,
LT

So if I was paranoid and self absorbed, I might think that liking a post of yours results in you not making another post for a really long time. Some kind of bizarre punishment. I may be mad, but the pattern is still there.

Ok this is too weird - I dreamed last night that I had 2 pet alligators! I don't think I have ever dreamed about them before. Mine were sweet and snuggly though, if you can imagine a snuggly alligator, and they were named Thelma and Louise, and I was feeding them spinach.

Oh, that's so weird! I've never dreamt about them before either.

I felt like I 'needed' a church service today, so I tuned in to the Washington National Cathedral livestream.

During his sermon, one of my favourite ministers there started talking about anger being wrong.

It's not difficult to see where I might've picked that idea up from...



No idea where I'm going to find the solace I'm seeking, but I guess I have to keep looking.

It feels like one step forward and two steps back with you at the moment. The first time we met in person, it really helped with the connection, but then we only had one good session out of the next five. The second time we met in person was a bit of a disaster, and in the online session the following week, I felt disconnected again.

Are 2 better sessions out of the last 8 'just ok' ones good-enough? Not sure it is. So I really don't know what's going on with us.

Is how I'm feeling trying to tell me that it's time we parted company, or am I just rationalising my withdrawal before dealing with the tough stuff really gets underway? It's not like I can ask you, because a) you're not in my head, and b) I haven’t told you how ambivalent I'm feeling about therapy at the moment. Maybe I should. It would obviously be a good topic for discussion. But perhaps I'm too scared you'd just say it was my decision and let me walk away.

I'm not under any illusion that you would fight for me as a client. You're not ex-ex-T....and that is part of the problem.

Sent from my SM-A526B using Tapatalk

Well, if nothing else, we certainly re-activated my dream maker!!! Holy cannoli.

Dear T,

I am struggling with allot of anxiety seeing this t on Wednesday in order for me to stay in day program. I wonder if I should let them close my file and just work with you and try to find another support like day program in the community. It's hard for me to leave day program that I have been apart of for 8 years. I think i will try to work with the therapist.

idontwanttostopagain

L,
Loving you makes what's missing seem even bigger. Having you in my life, amplifies the pain. You will never be enough. Nothing will be. And I really think it's too late for me.

I am so grateful that we started doing breathing exercises together, because now I can use them in other situations.

They came in particularly handy today...

Dear T,
Well, that went...poorly. I guess we should have just kept talking about the Super Bowl. Or D.

I really don't know whether I can continue with you. I felt shamed by you again today. How is that supposed to help me, exactly?
--LT

a big chunk of the stress that's been going on for over a month now should be coming to an end this week, hopefully before Friday. once this thing is done, i hope the fighting with h lessens.

You said to me today "do you need to take a nap?" Your question kinda annoyed me because I'm not much younger then you. Then when I got home I did actually lay down in bed. So I guess you were right.

My mom agrees with you that my main issue is the food stuff right now.

I really didn't want to use session time to discuss work stuff again, but I might have to this week, sorry. The situation with regards to doing telephone calls to clients is stressing me out, a lot. It wasn't what I originally signed up for but I feel like I've been manoeuvred into it.

It's so hard to remember what it felt like to be confident in my abilities to do a job. Part of me doesn't want to give up on this because I need to prove that I can do it. But I'm contacting grieving and in some cases, vulnerable people, whilst not being in the best of places mental health-wise myself. I'm not sure that is a good combination.

February, March and April aren't good months for me bereavement-wise and I'm just about holding it together.

Last few sessions haven't been the best either and I'm struggling with feeling the connection again. Not your fault, but my ambivalence isn't helping.

Sent from my SM-A526B using Tapatalk

Dear T,
Do you even still care about me? Today, it didn't feel like you did. I'm sorry--not "care about me" but "care about my well-being" or whatever it is you're OK saying. I wish I could email you and ask, but I imagine that would just compound the problem.

I'm also thinking I might cancel Wednesday, though I have until 1:30 tomorrow to do that, so going to see how I feel in the morning.

I just feel so sad right now. I don't understand what happened.
--LT