Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

ooookay L! I am done with my overtime today and about ready to start my thinking/writing about that complex we talked about yesterday. Although I gotta run to the post office first and mail something to my friend while they're open today but then I'll get on it!! I have a lot of ideas already swirling around in my head that I want to flesh out a bit. This is so very fascinating.

I am not in the mood to take your diet advice today. I am dealing with something that is making me very physically exhausted and to have to be bothered with getting enough good foods, and dealing with protein vs carbs and all that is too much to deal with today.

Back home from the post office and the grocery store (decided to get myself a piece of cheesecake to fuel this emotional endeavor).... and I'm off!

I did eat something for lunch. Then rushed to the bathroom because I felt sick. Now I'm in a lot of stomach pain. Please, please stop saying eating and food is the answer to everything.

Oh gosh I have already written a full page. So many thoughts about that complex, where it may have originated, and even some ideas about how to at least begin resolving it. Can a complex really ever be resolved??! Or do we just resolve them enough to where they no longer cause us so much grief? I am in a territory of immense fascination at the moment. I almost wish I could come back in today again and continue yesterday's discussion! No I did not just say that!

I know! I know! Just like I said yesterday! I'm the biggest ****ing liar on the planet!

Dear T, you break my heart

I need to ask you where we go from here.

I am trying so hard to give myself grace in this time, but "this time" is lasting longer than I thought it would.


'You have been hugely impacted by Steve's death.'

I am loath to allow myself to feel that.


Why can't I let myself grieve?

I hate that I have to wait a few weeks to tell you how much you hurt me in the session. It feels like the emotions are so intense I might burst. I want so badly to email you to see if you can see me sooner but I can’t go through that again. I can’t cope to email you and feel like I’m being so annoying to you and hang on for days on end for you to reply, only to be met with the probable rejection that you don’t have any free time or not answer any of my questions. For you to leave me here in the dark. It really sucks this thing with you sometimes. I love you but sometimes it feels like I hate you.

I forgot the 2 year anniversary of me telling my transference therapist I wanted to end things with her. I honestly can't even remember the date. If I'm being totally honest I can't remember when our last session was. It was either feb 21, 22 or 23. I had to remind myself the car session was not our last session. We still had 2 more after that. I can't remeber her kids ages either. Idk. I guess I finally moved on. Which is a relief.

I will be glad when I've been able to grieve and move on from ex-T. I wonder if I need to stop therapy for that to happen though.

Working with someone else is just a constant reminder that ex-T is no longer here.

I wish I could talk to you about her, it's not like I haven't tried. But on the rare occasions I mention her, you either don't really respond, or change the direction of the conversation.

I feel as though I'm never going to get any closure.

Sent from my SM-A526B using Tapatalk

Only did a little bit of writing today... mostly reflecting in my head that never made it to my fingertips on the keyboard... perchance tomorrow.

This pain will never end, will it? Or at least not without something invasive to fix it. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I am absolutely done.

I'm feeling better but not 100% so I'm still glad I completely cancelled for today.

I really don't remember bumping into the reality of the loss quite so much in the early days after Chris' death.

I suppose that bears out what you said about 'hugely impacted'.

I have 2 questions that I want to ask you about things you said last week.

ok so I broke down and emailed the most important of the two. i hope you answer it.

Hi M., Ugh, these Monday holidays . Makes for a long time until my session with you (and a wonderful HUGGG). But Thursday will be here before I know it. I hope you still have the bells I gave to you hanging in your garden.

Is it considered restriction if you just plain arent interested in food? The rapid weight loss is kinda cool but its probably due to the vitamin supplement I'm taking and whatever else is going on because I've been eating stuff.

Dear K,

I love you so much, and am so grateful for the you that you are to me right now. Do I wish that we could have a closer relationship? Yes, I do, but that doesn't take away from how much I appreciate what we do have. Thank you. Losing you 'needlessly' just wouldn't make any sense to me.

... and now the stupid endless checking of email. Stop it, Artie, just ****ing stop it!!!!

yeah, i goofed. ****.

Dear K,

Well... Wow... It's been over 18 months since we had our last official therapy session and I finally broke down today and told you what has been in my heart all this time. Our text exchanges have become more personal over that time, and it just felt right to put it out there. Like I said, I know you might not feel comfortable with it, and I do understand, but I felt I needed to say it. To tell you that I want to see you. You guessed at how I was feeling, but I wonder if you realised why. I just miss you, a lot, and wish I could see you, in person. Just me and you. You and me. Not in the way that we used to, but as two people who share what I feel is a genuine connection. I'm not expecting you to reply, if I'm honest, because you usually don't, but at least I have given a voice to what has been hiding inside!!

Seriously, you actually reply to me expressing my hatred of medical professionals by trying to defend the nurse who sexually abused me when I was six years old? You actually said maybe there were some days she was good at her job and showed care to people. WTF. All you have ever done is minimise what I went through because it was female on female. You have never seen it as traumatic, just something that was a bit of an unpleasant experience. Maybe I am too sensitive and shouldn’t find it so distressing. Maybe that’s why you you’re fed up of me.
And then I get the silent treatment. I can’t talk because I’m so upset and you just sit there not even attempting to make any sort of connection with me.
I think this really is the final straw.