Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

Omg. It will never end. Help.

I am not malnourised according to my doctor. I don't get where your logic comes from sometimes. He didnt even mention my weight or what I was eating lately.

T, when you’re not here I convince myself you hate me and that I irritate you and that you want rid of me. It didn’t help that when I told you I loved you on Friday you didn’t say it back. When I told you I loved you a few months ago you said it back. What’s changed? Have I become too much for you? Have I shared too much? I wish I could talk to you between sessions. It would make it so much easier for me. But when you don’t reply it tears me apart.

We’ve had some really beautiful sessions together T but I have to say Friday was terrible. The worst we’ve ever had. I thought maybe I was over reacting but actually when I think about it objectively…I think you really f***ed up. You didn’t validate any of my feelings or answer my questions. You didn’t ask me if I was ok during EMDR and you pushed me to continue even when I tried to give you signals that I wasn’t ok. You switched the buzzers back on without asking me every time. I wasn’t ready and I had questions and I needed reassurance. When I tried to talk after you’d switched them on you told me to ‘just go with it’. You dismissed me. You weren’t there for me. I don’t get it. Were you trying to make me unattach to you by making me feel uncared for and shamed? Or were you just being inpatient and insensitive? Either way, not ok

I don't know what to do with the way I am feeling at the moment.
I hope to heck I can find the words to explain some of it to you in a couple of days.
Two more sleeps.

Dear K, thank you. For understanding, and for replying. It really does mean a great deal to me, and I feel surprisingly ok with your reply. I have no idea what you meant by it, but it made me smile. I'll keep my fingers crossed that the universe has something good panned for us then, and put my trust in that. And if the universe doesn't come up with anything in six months or so, maybe I'll make my own 'luck' somehow!!! You and I are so different in some ways, but I love those differences as much as I love the things we share.

Thank you for calling me. Talked me down a bit.

L, I would very much like to talk about the email I sent you Monday. I just did some thinking/writing about it and have come to a realization. Please talk to me.

Dear Potential New T, K, thanks for meeting with me later today on doxy.me. I feel awkward about asking you for a second session this week as I don't really even know you, but I could definitely use the support so I am glad you could fit me in! I journaled a little about the anxiety and panic attacks so I hope to be able to read that to you and then hopefully we can discuss some coping skills or tactics to be able to survive this anxiety and panic attacks because they are getting to be multiple times a day and it's intolerable. Please be helpful! Thanks. Kit P.S. I am nervous!

I think I have the substance of our session tomorrow mapped out.
Self-validation is something I struggle with anyway, but especially with this.
Grief sucks, and somehow in my experience this sucks even more.

I haven't needed to email you. I've thought about you a bit though. Mainly how you will react on Monday. I just can't eat sometimes. I ate 5 saltine crackers and I want to throw up right now. Just put aside the ED stuff for once.

Dear new potential T, K.

Thanks for fitting me in today. I do feel a little better after talking to you. A little more hopeful. I don't know if it will help the anxiety per se, or the panic attacks but we can certainly work on it. Oh and your birds were not so annoyingly distracting today so thanks for that. HUGS Kit

I'm hurting so much right now. Please talk to me.

Dear T,
I hope you're OK about that email, as it was about D and very time-sensitive regarding tomorrow's IEP meeting. Why couldn't I have learned about this before session? Ugh... I imagine you'll be OK about it. I hate that I have to be concerned about this though. And now in the back of my mind, I'm thinking "guess now I have to wait 2 weeks." But it sounded from our conversation the other day that if there was a lot of outside stuff I'm dealing with, you might potentially charge me if I email more often, but wouldn't get annoyed about it. Maybe we need to talk about that a little more.

I did find our discussion of stuff about D and about anger to be helpful today. Though maybe it would have been better if the example you used at the end hadn't been about your expressing anger to me. As that was a difficult rupture (then again, I guess I used an example of expressing anger toward you earlier, so...). Maybe we need to discuss a bit more relationship stuff Friday (or wait until Monday). I didn't feel the need to today really. Though I feel I was anxious in the beginning (more so than usual), so I guess I'm still a bit on edge. Or maybe that was about something else, stress from the car yesterday (I appreciate your empathy over the tire!) and the meeting tomorrow. I'll ponder it.

But please be kind about the email. I think you will be, especially as it ties to an outside topic that we were discussing just hours ago, and you know how stressed I get about these meetings. But some warmth would be good, to help make it clear you're OK with it.

Love,
LT

L, I sure need your help on Friday. Today h is acting the most depressed I have ever heard him... saying stuff like of course this happens when I feel like things between you and I are messed up again. Ugh. I'm sad, stressed, worried about him, I don't know how to deal with him when he's like this, I just don't. If you tell me on friday that you can't work with me anymore like I think you're going to, I don't know. I just don't know. Please talk to me.

Please.

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Dear T,
I hope you're not annoyed. You answered the question I asked with a bit of detail. I shouldn't read into your not saying anything like "hope it goes well tomorrow." I'm worried it made it seem like I wanted an answer tonight, when the only reason I was emphasizing that the meeting was tomorrow was to say that's why I was emailing rather than waiting to talk Friday.

I think we need to talk more about the email thing. As now I'm sitting here thinking "OK, I guess I have to wait 2 weeks to send another one" or at least to do so without charge, and I'd rather make it more flexible than that. Like, could you once a month look at how much I emailed, then decide what to charge and how much? Or could you give me the chance to say (when this happens), "Hey, I know I've emailed you a few times in the last few weeks, here's a check for x amount?" That would make it feel less like you're in charge. Hm...I wonder if you'd be willing at all to do that? To let me keep track myself? To trust me to do that? Or at least give me a chance to do so.

ETA: Because I think it feels punitive when you call it out, like I was bad, so if I do it, that would take that out of the equation and also be me taking responsibility. (Though of course if I did a bad job of it, you could jump in.)

Love,
LT

I know this is not a discussion thread -but LT - why are you doing this to yourself? Not that you need to answer or anything - just that you jumped right back into the same place that seems to cause you so much anguish and energy

Right, I know, I am angry at myself. It was an outside thing regarding my D for which I was seeking support/guidance, nothing about the therapeutic relationship, to clarify. She has an important meeting about accommodations at school, and they suddenly threw a new suggestion at us this afternoon that would include a reduction in her services. So this was about that. I know, i don't need to explain myself. But just clarifying that it wasn't a sort of "is the therapeutic relationship OK?" email. But "Hey, I should push back against this recommendation, right?" As he has a bit of experience with these sorts of meetings in the school system.

But yes, I know, I did this to myself. I suppose I thought it would be OK, due to the subject matter (and it might have been!), then beat myself up over it.

Don’t think SD was asking why you do this to yourself to get you to blame yourself, but rather a serious question about why you returned to Dr T—he causes you so much anxiety and self-torture. And in that respect it doesn’t matter what the email was about.

yes - this in terms of the act of email in and of itself - not the contents. And not to blame yourself as if bad - I don't think of it as bad or good or blame - just that it seems to so much angst that could rather easily be avoided simply by not emailing. Around email it just seems so moth to flame

Help me. I can’t take the pain much longer.

Yes, I know it's more about emailing in general rather than the content, though this just hit on all the stressors for me. I feel like I should have more self-control, to be able to manage to not email. I don't know why I do this--whether "this" is emailing or generally going to someone for support who only gives what I need intermittently. I suppose that's something I need to figure out within myself.

Dear Potential New T, K. I really wish I could talk to you again today. But obviously three sessions in a week would be too much. I just so want to feel better.

Dear current T, I am going to have to terminate with you. I don't know how. I think I am going to chicken out and send you an email or a text. I just love you so much but you aren't helping me. You're a nice, albeit random lady, and I need, and dare I say, deserve more.

Kit

Me being a lethargic mess right now has nothing to do with my meds. So just shut your mouth and keep everything the same because this isn't your area. I am not over medicated. I only need your help with the steroids and if they are ok with mental health issues.