Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap...

Dear T,
Thank you for seeing me today. I feel better we talked about how the last year has been for me and our relationship. Thank you for offering to phone me in two weeks when you are away and can't see me.

It was also good to see you again after a 5 week break.

I am now entering wordless space.
I don't know how to proceed following the conversation we had in the most recent session.

If I'm going to try and ignore the ache 167 hours a week, I need you to help me be brave enough to acknowledge it for the hour that we are in the same room.

I feel weird. Like my anxiety and agoraphobia and paranoia are so much better and I'm getting out of the house everyday. But this food stuff sucks and I feel kinda woozy even when I do eat. I've wondered if I'm possibly getting covid or something since I just feel so weird.

I'm not sure whether it's a good thing or a bad thing that I won't see you for a week and a half after Tuesday. With what I plan to bring it could be either...

I'm especially grateful tonight for the little stone owl that you gave me that one day. After reading through some old after-session notes, I'm feeling all mushy about you again. And because I'm also drinking wine, I don't even care. I loved you then, I love you now, and it seems that I always will.

Dear T,
Miss you already... I do wish you'd at least have said if you were flying or driving or...something else. You seemed to give me a look when I asked the question, when you seemed willing to share the last few times at least your mode of travel. I mean, if you're flying, you could be going to one of like 1,000 places, so it's not like I'd have any idea where... I wish we had the sort of relationship where you could just send me an email like "Arrived safely."

I really do hope you feel better soon. It's difficult because if this were a normal week, I'd be seeing you Monday, so would know if you were feeling better then. But I feel weird emailing you, say, Monday asking how you're doing. Like, I'd rather try to hold out as long as I can. And I see third-string T Monday and Wednesday. Maybe I can at least try to make it through then? Though, like I said, I'd rather not be like, "I'm going to try not to email," because then if I do, I've failed. I want to think: "If I email you, that's OK." You said you trust that I'll try other things first, how I've been doing that lately, which was good to hear that you'd recognized.

Also, it helped that you said how being "just LT" should be enough for people. That I don't need to be giving them some other thing (well, I guess I have to give you money!)

Feel better and safe travels.
Love you,
LT

it's so weird, this therapeutic relationship, that somehow continues in my heart even though we aren't meeting anymore.

it's allllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll your fault you know

no it's not

i'm the ****ed up one

would you agree to see me if i call
or would you throw up a protective wall
to seal yourself in safety behind
pretending we were never entwined?
this stupid ****ing relationship
something for which I was never equipped
that's left me feeling lost and alone
and where that sends me is still unknown.
wanting to see you yet also afraid
that I'd just set off some hidden grenade

i'm so ****ing gosh darn broken

.............................................................................

I don't have anything fun to share with you. I haven't made any art in a long time, I'm too tired to do anything. So I guess I don't deserve any attention. My anxiety is really bad (it's worse than bad, but you know me I like to pretend or I cannot cope!)

Dear T,
Well, that was a really messed-up dream I had...Wish I could talk to you about it. Usually when people who have passed show up in my dreams, it's more positive, or they're just sort of there, in the background. They don't generally do something to hurt me. But I feel maybe this dream was set in the past? Especially with the lack of H and D. I hope this doesn't suggest some sort of repressed memory. My family just carrying on with things like it was no big deal when I tried to explain what happened is also unsettling. Plus, if the dream were taking place in the present, I think I'd be reaching out to you immediately.

I hope you are feeling better today and travel safely, if today's the day you're traveling. Miss you already. Nine days to go...

Love,
LT

I chugged a soda so fast this morning to avoid being hungry that I threw up a bit by accident on my shirt. This isn't the first time I've drank so fast to avoid food that I've ended up throwing up. I don't know what you would say. I've had coffee today to avoid being hungry too and my stomach for sure feels off.

Then my mom comes home and asks if I'm feeling ok because she puked while she was at Sams Club. So now I have no idea why my stomach is off. If its the ED or something else.

me and my overly dramatic bs, i swear to goodness

at least i can laugh at myself that's something anyway, right?

It's a beautiful poem Artie.

Thanks, AliceKate. I was a bit of a mess last night. Feeling better today though.

Now I'm in it, it feels like the last 11 instances of January 15th.

I was hopeful that this year would be different, but it grates in all the same ways.

I only ate 2 pieces of bread for dinner last night. But I wasn't feeling good and my mom wasn't either. So shut it about food. She only wanted potato chips all night. I'm still mainly wanting just bread today even though I don't feel as bad.

Dear T,
One of the weird things about the T-client relationship is that with, say, a friend--even a pretty distant Facebook friend where we just occasionally comment on each other's posts--I could message or post (depending on the relationship) and say, "Hope you're feeling better! Were you still able to go on your trip?" But I feel like it would be weird if I did that with you (and it's not like you'd reach out to me in the reverse situation either).

I imagine you'd be fine with it if I emailed something like that and would understand, especially after the discussions of the past month. (Maybe you're even expecting me to?) But I'm also trying to resist doing that, at least for a bit. And I see K tomorrow. Maybe I could just talk to her a bit about how it's difficult. Wish I was seeing R, as she knows me and my relationship with you. Though maybe it will be helpful to get a different perspective on things.

Miss you--8 days to go.

Love,
LT

Working on an outline to a deadline during Anniversary Season feels a lot like being in a pinball machine.

Why on earth did I think that was a good idea?

Hey L. So, while working this morning I pulled up the online church service for my home church back in MO (I sometimes listen to it while I'm working) and this morning the pastor almost had me in tears during his sermon; he kept saying, over and over again, with increasing intensity, "God SEES you." And you know, that's what I miss about therapy - is the feeling of being SEEN. I feel invisible at home, with most of my family, at work, etc. The only IRL place I feel seen now is with the drumming group, but I used to feel the most seen of all sitting across from you in your office. I miss that feeling.

(Although I think I kinda MADE h see me the other day when I yelled at him and stormed out of the doctor's office during his med study check in. )

...actually i didn't yell. he yelled at me, but i did not yell back - i just cussed at him in normal speaking voice and left. And accidentally slammed the door.