Couch 241: Twin primes!

Hugs, Artie. If it was a particular med that worked for you, as NP mentioned, you might see if your GP could prescribe it, at least for now. P-docs tend to be very expensive (you don't want to know what my daughter's charges!), and with this time of year, even if you found one that takes your insurance, like you said, you're up against the deductible. For the actual med, if you get a more common one (like Zoloft or Prozac) in generic form, they're really cheap.

Hope it's OK to mention this here, but in Dear T, you mentioned reaching out to L. I don't see anything wrong with this, particularly if you want to talk about what's going on in your life right now and get some guidance/support. And if you made that clear in the email (rather than wanting to talk about your relationship with her, though that would be OK, too). If you don't want to try someone new, that might be the best option.

I also think it could be worth looking into someone new, even if you said you aren't ready. You used something through your EAP before--can you get a limited number of sessions of more regular therapy through that, maybe? (as opposed to the CBT program.) I just think it can help to have someone to listen to all the feelings you're experiencing. It wouldn't have to turn into an intense relationship like with L, if that is your concern (which I understand--and I'm probably the wrong person to be saying it doesn't have to become that, but oh well).

You deserve to be treated better than your H treats you. And to have a job that doesn't make you miserable. Sending hugs....

That sounds like a challenge, getting eyedrops in your cat! I hope he gets better soon.

And I could see where you wouldn't want your son to be working at your workplace if he has a bad history of job performance. I imagine you're concerned it could reflect poorly on you if he isn't a good employee?

Thanks LT. I appreciate that. I hadn't even thought about EAP my brain isn't working. I may call them after work today actually, I think you can just talk to somebody on the phone when you call in iirc. I might go ahead and email L too that's a good idea to put my own boundaries on what I want to discuss. We shall see.

I did take zoloft years ago I may ask my GP for that. i took trazodone too but i didn't care for the side effects (terrible nightmares) so i don't want to go back on that one!

I'm on break now but just before my break, my Sup messaged me to chastise me for being under goal yesterday and wanting to know why. I told her I am tired and struggling with life-stuff in general in addition to being worn out from the overtime/phones/etc at work. AND I told her I am still well over goal overall for month-to-date. But apparently management gets on HER case on a day to day basis if someone is under goal one day. I don't get how they have enough time to be that ****ing micro-managing. I'm meeting goal for month to date overall during a very difficult month so I want to tell her to shut the **** up and leave me alone so I can work. Not to mention she took me away from production to get on my case and make me explain ONE DAY.

Now I have a NEW reason to want to see a pdoc - to ask them to write me out of work for like 3 weeks!!!! **** this ****.

Ugh, that sounds so frustrating! It does seem ridiculous for her to be on your case about one day. It seems like it should be considered on a weekly or monthly basis. Hugs, if wanted.

Thanks. I know, right? Even for Saturday through Tuesday overall, I'm over goal. One stinkin' day.... and I wasn't even that far under.

break's over... back to it.

hope work goes fast, Artie

My wife's primary care doctor prescribes her antidepressant, and I have a psychiatric nurse practitioner that I like. Accessing an actual psychiatrist in my area can be absurdly difficult and expensive, but we've both been happy with the providers we have.

You might also be surprised at how you feel with a new therapist. In some ways it might be easier than going back to L because you have a fresh start without any baggage. I am also wondering how you would feel about yourself for going back to her after a year away since you have fairly ambivalent feelings about your relationship with her. I don't think there is anything wrong with going back to her, but I do think it might needlessly complicate things. Even if a new T has to schedule you a while out, just having an appointment would probably start to make you feel better.

You make good points here. I'd add, too, that it can definitely seem daunting to start with a new T. But someone new can also have fresh insights. Part of why I stayed with Dr. T after intending to see him only briefly is that he seemed very insightful after the first few sessions. I'd been seeing ex-T for 6 years, so made sense that she likely wouldn't have as much new to say. Backup T R also had lots of insight. (Not so much the latest backup T.)

So it could be that you learn something helpful very quickly, or at least get a different perspective. Plus, you're not the same person now as you were when you were seeing L. And it may seem like you're starting from scratch, but you're not. You've likely already processed lots of things and know what is and isn't important to your life now and what you're working through. So it's more like starting in the middle, or even further in.

Yes, I know I mentioned going back to L, but I think a new T could be very helpful as well. I was just thinking of how you said you didn't think you were ready for that.

All great points, thanks so much. I haven't emailed L yet and am finding that I am rather loath to do so... I suppose that is a pretty good indicator that I should not.

I think you're right EM that just having an appt might make me feel a little better. And LT I like what you said about how I'm not the same person I was when I started with L... this, not by a long shot. Way back then, I had no clue what I wanted out of therapy I just knew I was a mess. Right now, as broken as I feel, I have a pretty specific idea of what I want help with.

....and oh yeah, lunch time! woohoo! I get an hour to breathe and relax. I think I'll go take a hot shower and "wash off" the scolding from my boss.

while I'm still at lunch i just pulled up my old timesheets and see that I haven't called in sick since 7/8/20... and that was only a partial day I don't even remember why. My boss made me cry this morning, probably cuz I'm just tired and worn out over everything lately. I wish I could have been like "dude. Why are you getting on my case? I am probably THE most dependable member of our team - why don't you take a look at when the last time was I called in sick and then tell me how many people on our team have that kind of record? Yeesh. One day of stats that is slightly below what you want and you're all over my butt. Go away."

okay lunch is over artie will shut up now and get back to work.

Oh artie that woulda been an "are you effin kidding me?!" from me. Like do you know who i am? They would need 5 people to replace you and they know it.

Thanks una.

(editing to try to shorten a little)This afternoon at work I had a bit of a breakdown, was a sobbing hot mess on the phone with my sup and lead. they managed to get me tomorrow off to rest. then I called my regular doc & left a message wanting to schedule an appt to see if she can prescribe me Sertraline cuz that's what I took in the past and am familiar with. Hoping they can get me in soon. I also did some more hard thinking about L - and decided to go ahead and ask for one session being clear that's all I'm asking for. Once I decided to ask, it still took me a good 40 minutes to hit the send button. Anyway, I'm going to see her on Friday morning. My head is of course a bit conflicted about this, but my heart is now feeling calm so I think it will be okay. She sent me a form to fill out so I can be clear on what I want from this session, so I am seeing that as a very good sign.

I feel like I can breathe a sigh of relief about everything now and I feel slightly removed from the sadness. Things are in motion to talk to my regular dr, I have a session scheduled with L that my heart very much wants, even if my head isn't sure, and I have 2 days off in a row to really rest. Maybe that little breakdown today was a good thing after all even though it felt pretty awful at the time.

Thanks couch for listening to all my ranting.

I didn't want both T and L when I started with them. With T, I was still hoping ex-T would take me back. I actually told T that I hated her, and she said she would help me find a new therapist. With L, I didn't want to attach to another person. And after the first time talking to her on the phone, I knew I was screwed.

I know I'm lucky that both times worked out for me. I found a really good therapist in T, and an even better one in L.

And with both of them, we didn't start from the beginning, really. T knew I needed help asap, so we spent half the session on intake and the other half on skills. With L, we weren't supposed to be long-term, so we did the intake in one session.

All that to say, starting over doesn't mean you have to go over your entire history again. After the intake, you should be able to choose where you want to go, what you want to work on.

HUGS Artie

Thanks Kit, hugs to you too!

Artie we all love you

aww thanks willowtigger! I'm feeling cautiously optimistic this morning after sleeping late, knowing I'll be seeing L tomorrow. I do feel a little silly now about that whole breakdown at work yesterday and wonder if maybe I overreacted by reaching out to her. I am not going to sit here and second-guess myself though, because as soon as I got her response that yes of course I can come in for a tune up session, I felt a calm settle over me that I haven't been feeling for the last month or so and it felt good.

Now I need to go to the pet store for kitty litter and maybe some new treats for my little loves, then come back home and do some laundry and then I shall spend the rest of the day resting on the couch reading.

*goes shopping for artie and brings everything back*